Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Spike: And I should do what with my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets? Buffy: Would it keep you out of my way?

Riley: I go back, let the government get whimsical with my innards again... They could do anything that... Best-case scenario, they turn me into Joe Normal, just... Just another guy. Buffy: And that's not enough for you? Riley: It's not enough for you. Buffy: Why would you say that? Riley: Come on. Your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian. Buffy: So that's what this is about? You're going to die, all over some macho pissing contest. Riley: It's not about him. It's about us. You're getting stronger every day, more powerful. I can't touch you. Every day, you're just a little further out of my reach. Buffy: You wanna touch me? I'm right here. I'm not the one running away. Riley: Not yet. Buffy: So you have this all figured out? I'm bailing because you're not in the super club. Riley: It's human nature. Buffy: Don't Psych 101 me. Not now. Not after everything that... Nobody has ever known me the way you do. Nobody. I've opened up to you in ways that I've never opened up to... God, you're just sitting back there thinking that none of this means anything to me. Riley: I never said that. Buffy: Because it obviously doesn't mean anything to you. Do you really think so little of me?

Harmony: I read in a magazine that some women think a man's real sex organ is his brain. Yecch! No contest. I mean, look at it. It's so... pink and wriggly-looking.

Harmony: (to the doctor) Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means that he can't even pick flowers. Spike: What?! Yes, I can.

Tara: How'd you do that with the light? Willow: Oh, you know, you taught me. Tara: I taught you a teeny tinkerbell light. Willow: Okay, so I tinkered with the tinkerbell.

Willow: Tara and I can scope out the burned-out school. Riley hid there once. Maybe he... feels it's homey or something. Buffy: Homey. You know what else he might find homey in a... dank, unpleasant evil sort of way? The Initiative caves. I don't know them too well. Giles: We do have an associate who knows those caves like the back of his melanin-deprived hand. Buffy: I so don't want to deal with Spike right now. That guy is really starting to bug me in that special "I wanna shove something wooden through his heart" kinda way. Willow: He does seem extra twitchy lately. Maybe the whole not killing is gettin' to him. Buffy: Plus hanging out all day in that moldy crypt, you just know he's doing something nasty.

Xander: Like, I had this friend once who really liked this girl, and he got all worried that maybe she didn't like him back, and maybe that made him act like a total jerk. Maybe Riley reminds me of that friend. Willow: What are you talking about? Xander: Then again, maybe not. Maybe he just wants attention. Buffy: Well, here's a hot tip, if you want attention? Be there so people can give it to you. Anya: I care about you, Xander. Xander: Thanks. Anya: Don't be insecure. Xander: Thanks. I won't. Anya: And, I also have this "friend" and, uh, I have it on really good authority that she really likes that guy, your "friend" ... and, by the by, my friend- Buffy: You guys, enough!

Graham: What's going on, man? You gotta get this taken care of immediately. We gotta get you into an operating room. Riley: Very convincing. Makes me completely want to put myself under government control. Please, take me where they can make me unconscious and naked.

Dawn: Did you know that one time the CIA tried to kill Fidel Castro with poisonous aspirin? Buffy: Dawn, please. I know I have to do something, I just don't know what. Dawn: Another time the CIA- Buffy: Dawn! Dawn: It's important… Tried to make Castro go crazy by putting itching powder in his beard. It's about the government!

Joyce: I feel silly lying here like a lump. Willow: You can make a game out of it. A very quiet game about being a lump.

Dawn: Every kid tries to make the substitute cry. It's like a rite of passage. Joyce: I certainly would not. Being a substitute is an extremely difficult job. Besides... Honestly, Dawn, how many bowls of cereal are you planning on eating? Dawn: Oh, these aren't for eating. I'm just trying to get the extra out of the way so I could... get this. Anyway, I want eggs. Joyce: You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal. You are growing up.

Buffy: Mmm. that was relaxing. Riley: You, uh, want to relax some more? Buffy: Again? Right away again? Riley: Maybe you're too tired. Buffy: Hey. I have the endurance of ten men. Riley: Let's make it women, okay? Just for the imagery.

Willow: Should I be watching my occipital lobe? Buffy: Your what? Willow: Occipital, the lobe in the back of your brain? You know, like, should I be watching my back? But, you know, the... back of your brain. Buffy: Apparently not. Don't worry, Will, you still wear the smarty-pants in the family. Willow: I don't know. You've been studying... really a lot. Buffy: I'm trying. But they're really piling on the reading, and Giles fills any free time I have with extra training... I'm starting to think this working hard is hard work. Willow: Isn't it crazy like that? Buffy: I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe. Willow: Aw, poor Buffy's brain.

Buffy: You threw that vampire like he was a teeny-weeny little vampire. Riley: Hey, you want to go again? Come on, I bet this place is just teeming with aerodynamic vampires. Buffy: Nah. Unless you wanna go back and kill Spike for the fun of it?

Spike: Taking up smoking have you? Harmony: I am a villain Spike, hello!

Harmony: (about Buffy) You didn't hear? I'm like her arch nemisis now. Spike: I must have missed the memo. Harmony: There was a mem... Spike! Oh my god! This is an emergency!

Spike: Is it bigger than a breadbox? Harmony: No. Only 3 left. Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox. Harmony: No. Only 2. Spike: Harm, is it a sodding breadbox? Harmony: Yes! Oh my god! Someone's Blondie Bear is a twenty question genius!

Buffy: I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what, I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home. Spike: I'm a vampire! It's what I do!

Spike: Bathe in the Slayer's blood. I've gonna dive in it. Swim in it. I'm gonna do the bloody backstroke.

Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice, and drink deep.

Buffy: It's so unfair. It's like Big Brother can spy on you all the time, and the second I have something to say, no one will listen. Dawn: Sounds more like Big Sister. Willow: There has to be a way. Buffy: Like what? Take a tour of the White House and pretend to get lost and look for some door with a sign on it that says "Secret Government Monster Hunters?"

Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn she's there. That nasty little face. That fancy shampoo commercial hair. That whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude. Harmony: Well, aren't we kinda unholy by def...? Spike: She follows me, you know. Tracks me down. I'm the pet project. Drive Spike around the bend. Makes every day a fresh bout of torture. You don't understand. I can't get rid of her. She's everywhere. She's haunting me, Harmony! This has got to end.

Harmony: Pretty please? I'll do anything. Spike: Anything, will you? Harmony: Yeah, I said I'd do anything! Oh. You mean will I have sex with you? Well, yeah.

Spike: Oh Pacey, you blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?