Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Giles: (Rehearsing a speech to an empty chair) Uh, what I'm proposing is, um, and I, I don't mean to appear indecorous, is, is, um, a, a social engagement, um, a date if you're amenable... You idiot! Buffy: (Coming up behind him) Boy, I guess we never realized how much you like that chair.

Chris: (to Willow) You know what the key is? If Dr. Clark doesn't understand your experiment he gives you higher marks so it looks like he understands your experiment.

Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game. Buffy: You know what this means. Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?

Buffy: She wasn't killed by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse. Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word "corpse" in it?

Giles: What student here is going to be that well versed in physiology? Willow: Well, I can think of five or six guys in the science club. And me. Xander: So, Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll call it a night.

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair? Willow: All the time. Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to... Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. (to Willow) So where were we? Willow: Wondering why we never get dates. Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is?

Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky. Angel: What? Buffy: Crazy stuff. Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a 241-year-old being jealous of a high school junior? Buffy: Are you fessing up? Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little. Buffy: I don't love Xander. Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight. Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light.

Buffy: Then you say "How do you feel about Mexican?" Giles: About Mexicans? Buffy: Mexican. Food. You take her for food for which you then pay. Giles: Oh, right.

Giles: Ms. Calendar? Ms. Calendar: Oh, no, please call me Jenny. Ms. Calendar is my father.

Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this. People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.

Jenny: It's okay. Although a good rule of thumb for a first date is don't do anything so exciting that it'll be hard to top on the second date. Giles: Believe it or not, since I've moved here to live on top of the Hellmouth, the events of this evening actually qualify as a slow night. (pauses and considers) Did you just say "second date"? Jenny: You noticed that, huh?

Willow: Eric's was a bust. Nothing there. Xander: Yeah, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a pornography collection so prodigious it even scared me.

Buffy: God! What if it worked? What if that poor girl is walking around? Xander: Poor girls, technically.

Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, "I feel a thing, you feel a thing..." But personalize it. Giles: Personalize it? Buffy: She's a technopagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop. Have fun.

Buffy: I couldn't believe Angel. He was acting all jealous, and he wouldn't even admit it. Willow: Jealous of what? Buffy: Of Xander. Willow: Because you did that sexy dance with him? Buffy: Am I ever gonna live that down? Willow: No.

Willow: I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place.

Willow: (reads) "The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable"? Cordelia: I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, alright?

Giles: Understand, in my capacity as school official, this search is completely unauthorized and I... I cannot condone it. Buffy: Fine, your butt's covered. Wanna grab a locker? Giles: Oh, yes... yes, of course...

Cordelia: Hello? Can we deal with my pain please? (gets ignored) Giles: (sarcastically) There, there.

Angel: So, uh, you're here alone? Buffy: Yeah. Why? Angel: I just thought he'd have somebody with you. Xander or someone. Buffy: Xander? Angel: Or someone. Buffy: Nope. Why? Are you jealous? Angel: Of Xander? Please... he's just a kid. Buffy: Is it because I danced with him? Angel: Dancing with is a pretty loose term. Mated with might be a little closer. Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was only one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success. Angel: I am not jealous! Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous? Angel: See? Whenever we fight, you always bring up the vampire thing. Buffy: Well, I didn't come here to fight! (gets attacked by the vampire she was waiting for) Oh right, I did!

Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies. Willow: Is it an army if you just have three? Buffy: Mmmm... zombie drill-team, then.

Cordelia: I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to.

Angel: I think they kept some parts. Buffy: Could this get yuckier? Willow: They probably kept the other parts to eat. Buffy: Question answered.

Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled. Xander: All right, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh? (Cordelia leaves) Giles: Xander? Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living. Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?

Giles: Grave robbery? That's new. Interesting. Buffy: I know you meant to say gross and disturbing. Giles: Yes, yes, yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it.

Xander: Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her. Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it up, it all spells "duh!"

Buffy: Come on Stephan, rise and shine. Some of us have a ton of trig homework waiting. Angel: Hey! (sneaks up on Buffy and scares her) Is this a bad time? Buffy: Are you crazy?! You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You... stomp. Or yodel. Angel: I heard you were on the hunt. Buffy: Supposed to be, but lazy bones here doesn't want to come out and play. Angel: When you first wake up it's a little disorienting. He'll show. Buffy: It's weird to think of you going through that. Angel: It's weird to go through.

Giles: I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.

Buffy: You also might wanna avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous'... y'know. Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um... Giles: England? Buffy: Yeah. You just say, "Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing." Giles: Oh, thank you, Cyrano.

Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood. Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on. Buffy: I fear you.

Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me? Xander: (cough) Karma! (cough)

Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.

Buffy: But it's not doable. I mean making someone from scraps, actually making them live. Willow: If it is, my science project's definitely coming in second this year.

Willow: By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body? Xander: Call me an optimist but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons.