Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 5 Episode 3

Lame Xander: (giggling at the flattened coin) It is kinda cool. Washington's all flattened... and it could be Jefferson.

Xander: Wait till you have have an evil twin and see how you handle it!
Willow: I handled it just fine.

Giles: I said, "Oh, dear lord".
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well, it's always important!

Giles: Spike, we're looking for a demon, tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off. Deep voice?
Spike: (points Toth who is behind them) You mean a great tall robe-y thing like that one?

Xander: (about Anya) How is it that she can always make me feel suave Xander's left the building?
Riley: You two have your friction, but... she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
Xander: Still, I do envy you sometimes. I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was!
Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content... just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.

Anya: Ooh, presents?
Xander: Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little.
Anya: Me? Buffy has super strength. Why don't we just load her up like one of those little horses?
Xander: Anya. Please.
Anya: Fine. I'm just your slave.

Buffy: Anya. I see you've joined the non-sling-wearing crowd.
Anya: Yes, I'm feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure.
Buffy: That sounds nice.

Xander: At first it's just a place, and then you start to make memories. And then you're like... that's where Spike slept. And there, that's where Anya and I drowned a Separvo demon. Oh! And right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out... I really hate this place.

Buffy: Riley, do you wish-
Riley: No.
Buffy: No? You don't even know what I was gonna say.
Riley: Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two.
Buffy: Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole Slayer gig. Instead of having Slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy.
Riley: Hey. I have Buffy Buffy. Being the Slayer's part of who you are. You keep thinking I don't get that, but...
Buffy: It's just... I know how un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters...
Riley: Buffy, If you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all! I'm talking toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything.

Anya: I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
Xander: A car?
Anya: And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
Xander: What are you talking about?
Anya: Just... we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
Xander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying. I may have as few as fifty years left.

Dawn: My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died 'cause she choked on her boyfriend's tongue.
Buffy: Go away, Dawn.
Dawn: I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you.
Buffy: Get out of here.
Dawn: Mom, I can stand in the hallway, right?
Buffy: She's watching us like a big freak!
Joyce: This must be my two-teenage-girls-in-the-house headache. I thought it felt familiar.
Buffy: Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.
Dawn: I did not. Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
Buffy: But part of it is Dawn's.
Joyce: It's so nice you've learned to share.

Buffy: The city dump. where smells go to relax and be themselves.

Xander: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "I told you so" symphony? Riley: Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous. Giles: Toth. Riley: What? Buffy: He called you a toff. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.

Buffy: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
Giles: Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.

Willow: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway. And we'll walk down the hall and say, "La, la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.

Buffy: (about a movie) Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba- see, now with the flying kick. From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw enthusiasm?
Riley: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know?
Buffy: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and... invading all willy-nilly.

Xander: Maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place... something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to hell. They had one-bedrooms, right?

Xander: A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do.

Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just just slap 'em together in the morning. Confident Xander: She's joking. Lame Xander: No, she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together, which is... wrong, and and it would be very confusing. Giles: We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk. Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.

Lame Xander: On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real firetrucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me!

Giles: He had a very specific olfactory presence.
Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the ol' factory. I hate that place. (pause) I'm joking. I know what it means. He smelled. Right?

Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it want to make everyone else lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
(Everyone glares at Riley)
Riley: Just me then.

Riley: What are you doing here, Spike?
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tearoom over the next pile of crap.

Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from "A" to "Z" – from "Axe" to... "Zee other axe."

Lame Xander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.

Buffy: We've gotta hurry. If Xander kills himself, he's dead.