Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander: Y'know, with that kind of attitude, you could have had a bright future as an employee of the DMV.

Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation? Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind. Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag. Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.

Giles: Well, maybe Buffy unplugged the phone. Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.

Giles: Buffy. Thank you. I've been, uh, indexing the Watcher diaries covering the last couple of centuries. You would be amazed at how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these Watchers were. Buffy: Color me stunned. Giles: So, uh, I trust last night's patrol was fruitful? Buffy: Semi. Mm, I caught one out of two vamps after they stole something from this jumbo mausoleum. Giles: They were stealing? Buffy: Yeah! They had tools, flashlights, whole nine yards. What does that mean anyway? 'Whole nine yards'? Nine yards of what? Now it's gonna bug me all day.

Xander: When you look at me, do you think 'prison guard'? Buffy: Um, crossing guard, maybe, but prison guard? Xander: They just put up the assignments for the career fair, and according to my test results I can look forward to being gainfully employed in the growing field of corrections. Buffy: Well, at least you'll be on the right side of the bars.

Xander: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Laugh now, missy, they assigned you to the booth for law enforcement professionals. Buffy: As in police? Xander: As in polyester, donuts, and brutality.

Buffy: Uh, we're having this thing at school. Angel: Career week? Buffy: How did you know? Angel: I lurk. Buffy: Right. Well, then you know it's a whole week of "What's My Line?", only... I don't get to play. Sometimes I just want... Angel: You want what? It's okay. Buffy: The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before. Angel: Before me. Buffy: No, Angel, it's not you. You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. I just get messed sometimes. I wish we could be regular kids. Angel: Yeah. I'll never be a kid. Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.

Buffy: Do I like shrubs? Xander: That's between you and your god. Buffy: What'd you put? Willow: I came down on the side of shrubs. Buffy: Go with shrubs! Okay! Uhhh! I shouldn't even be bothering with this. It's all mootville for me. No matter what my aptitude test says, we already know my deal. Xander: Yup, high risk, sub-minimum wage... Buffy: Pointy wooden things...

Buffy: Angel was power-freaked by that ring. Giles: I'm afraid he was not overreacting. This ring is worn only by members of the Order of Taraka. It's a society of deadly assassins dating back to King Solomon. Xander: And didn't they beat the Elks this year in the Sunnydale adult bowling league championships? Giles: Their credo is to sow discord and kill the unwary. Xander: Bowling is a vicious game. Giles: That's enough, Xander!

Buffy: Thanks for the wake-up, but I'll stick with my clock-radio.

Willy: I'm staying away from that whole scene. I'm living right, Angel . Angel: Sure you are, Willie. And I'm taking up sunbathing.

Buffy: Giles, it's one thing to be a Watcher and a librarian. They go together, like a chicken and... another chicken... or two chickens or something.

Buffy: Well, there you go. I don't have to be the Slayer. I could be dead . Giles: That wasn't terribly funny. You notice I didn't laugh . Buffy: That wouldn't be much of a change. Either way, I'm bored, constricted, I never get to shop, and my hair and fingernails still continue to grow.

Snyder: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event. Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.

Drusilla: I was dreaming. Spike: Of what, pet? Drusilla: We were in Paris. You had a branding iron. And there were worms in my baguette.

Cordelia: "I aspire to help my fellow man." Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross. Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty. Cordelia: Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice. Xander: (to Willow and Buffy) Is murder always a crime?

Kendra: Who are you? Buffy: Who am I? You attacked me, who the hell are you? Kendra: I am Kendra, the Vampire Slayer.

Buffy: Well, I'll just jump off that bridge when I come to it.

Giles: It's a reliquary. Used to house items of religious significance. Most commonly a finger or some other body part from a saint. Buffy: Note to self: Religion: Freaky.