Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy: (Reading a ransom note from vampires that kidnapped Cordelia Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal. Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? ... I'll pretend I didn't say that.

Xander: I'm just so restless! I'm actually looking forward to school starting up again. Willow: Yeah, and that wouldn't have anything to do with a certain girl we both know who is a Vampire Slayer? Xander: Please, I'm so over her. Did she, uh, mention when she might be getting back? About which I do not care. Willow: I haven't heard from her. I got a couple postcards when she went to L.A., but then, like, nothing. Xander: Well, she's probably with her dad having a good time. Willow: And you don't care? Xander: Well, okay, there might be some interest. I'm a man. I have certain desires, certain needs... Willow: Uhhh! I don't want to know.

Willow: When did you get back? Buffy: Just now. Dad drove me down. And I figured you two losers would be getting into some kind of trouble.

Cordelia: I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character?

Absalom: We have been put down, kinsmen. We have lost our way. We have lost the night. But despair is for the living. Where they are weak, we will be strong. Where they weep, we rejoice. Where they bleed, we drink! Within three days a new hope will arise. We will put our faith in him. (looks over at Collin) He will show us the way.

Joyce: Is there the slightest chance that if I asked you what was wrong you would tell me? (Buffy looks over at her) Course not. It would take all the fun out of guessing.

Buffy: What happened? Xander: Vampires. The ones you could handle yourself. Buffy: Where are the others? Xander: I don't know. I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you had worked with us for five seconds, you could have stopped this.

Xander: So, we Bronzin' it tonight? Willow: Wednesday, it's kinda beat. Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? Jenny: What? Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean 'til judgement day, you are living with those stains. Jenny: Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat; the stains.

Buffy: (about The Master) We were close. We killed each other. It really promotes togetherness.

Willow: What would somebody want with Master bones? Xander: A trophy, a horrible conversation piece?

Willow: (about Buffy) She's possessed! Giles: Possessed? Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should have seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy. Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? (gets looks from the others and concedes) She's possessed.

Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us? Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no "us". Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.

Xander: Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at The Bronze tonight? Willow: Cibo Matto? They're playing? Xander: No, Willow, they're gonna be clog dancing. Willow: Cibo Matto can clog dance? (off Xander's look) Oh, sarcasm, right.

Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing? Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing. Xander: (to Willow) Yeah. Some stuff's about groping. (to Buffy) It wasn't about groping? Buffy: Okay, hormones on parade here? It was pure shop talk. Remember vampires, pointy teeth, they walk by night... Am I ringing a bell?

Willow: What were you thinking about? Buffy: Nothing. Xander: Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom!

Cordelia: You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much. But... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor. Buffy: And this great favor is? Cordelia: I'm going to give you some advice: Get over it. Buffy: Excuse me? Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. Because pretty soon, you're not even going to have the loser friends you've got now. Buffy: I think it's about time you start minding your own business. Cordelia: It's long past.

Xander: What are you going to do? Buffy: I'm going to kill them all. That ought to distract them.

Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say "Undead American"?

(Talking to Giles about her summer) Ms. Calendar: I did Burning Man in Black Rock, ohhh, such a great festival, you should've been there. They had drum rituals, mobile sculptures, raves, naked mud dances, you would've just... hated it with a fiery passion!

Anointed One: (About Buffy) I hate that girl.

Willow: The other night I dreamt that Xander... Uh, it wasn't Xander. In fact it wasn't me. In fact, it was a friend's dream, and she can't remember it.

Giles: Yes, I must consult my books. Xander: Oh, 8 minutes and 33 seconds. Pay up! I called 10 minutes before you'd consult your books about something.

(about Buffy) Hank: You know, at least when she was burning stuff down, I knew what to say.

Xander: Hey, I got a plan. How 'bout miniature golf? Willow: There's no course here. Xander: Okay, uh, miniature tennis! A very tiny form of tennis that we could invent...

Absalom: Your day is done, girl. I'll grind you into a sticky paste, and hear you beg before I smash in your face. Buffy: So, are you gonna kill me or are we just making small talk?

Buffy: Ya know, being stalked isn't really a big turn-on for girls. Angel: You need help. Someone to watch your back. Buffy: Sure you don't mean my neck?

Snyder: That Summers girl. I smell trouble. I smell expulsion and just the faintest aroma of jail. Giles: Well, before you throw away the key, you might consider giving her the benefit of the doubt. She may surprise you. Snyder: You really have faith in those kids, don't you? Giles: Yes, I do. Snyder: Weird.

Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense. Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five.

Willow: You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you? Cordelia: Are you nuts? Do you think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy? And all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it.

Cordelia: So, did you guys fight any demons this summer? Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons. Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!

Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers. Buffy: (to Xander) Was that an insult? Xander: Kinda lacked punch. Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool. Cordelia: I see your point. Xander: I would've gone with Stooges.

Angel: I'm sorry. I wish I had better news. Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu!

Angel: How are you? Buffy: Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?

Snyder: I mean, it's incredible. One day the campus is completely bare. Empty. The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist. Giles: I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, school's principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation? Snyder: Somebody's got to keep an eye on them. They're just a bunch of hormonal time bombs.

Xander: You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!

Xander: Well, what else do you wanna do? We already played rock, paper, scissors. My hands cramped up. Willow: Well, yes, if you're always scissors of course your tendons are gonna strain...

Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up? Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.

Willow: Why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H.? Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out. Xander: A Bitca?

Cordelia: So your secret's safe with me. Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm The Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good.

Giles: Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admit that. But believe me, that was hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make. Uh, that wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be.

Willow: Well, what about the rest of the note? Buffy: What rest of the note? Willow: The part that says, "P.S., this is a trap."

Xander: (to Buffy) If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you.

Buffy: I don't think I can face them. Giles: Hmm? Of course, you can. Buffy: I can't! What am I supposed to say? "Sorry I almost got your throat slit. What's the homework?" Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless. Buffy: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school. Giles: What are you going to do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life? Buffy: Would it have cable?

Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you? Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?

Buffy: Xander, have I ever thanked you for saving my life? Xander: No. Buffy: (whispers) Don't you wish I would?