Californication

Meredith: You know if you spent less time focusing on other people's flaws, you might actually notice you've got a couple of your own. Charlie: Speaking of flaws - Dodgers game. Friday night? Hank: I didn't say that I didn't. Meredith: Great. You wanna hear some? Hank: It seems like you want to tell me. Meredith: Yeah, I do. You drink too much, write too little and the only exercise you get is in the bedroom. You love women but you hate yourself so that any woman who actually really does like you is ultimately deemed a fool. And seeing as that woman could be pretty much anyone, this one is saying goodbye.

Hank: (To Meredith) Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

Hank: (To Meredith) Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

Hank: "B" to the "I" to the double "L". What's up, my nig nog? Bill: I need to talk to you. Hank: Well, you should have called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a message, which I would have quickly erased. Bill: Uh, yeah, this isn't something I would choose to discuss over the phone. This is about Mia. Hank: Oh.

Henry Rollins: What's your latest obsession? Hank: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People...they don't write anymore - they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English. Henry Rollins: Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them. Hank: Hence my self-loathing.

Hank: I love women. I have all their albums.

(After Marcy shoves her finger in Charlie's rear end) Charlie: Whoa, what the f*** are you doing back there? Marcy: What, you don't like that? Charlie: No! I just...you can't just send probes in an unexplored territory without an advance warning, you know what I'm saying.

(To Bill in a preacher outfit) Hank: Wow...you are checking out my package?! You don't wanna...s**k my c**k, do you?! Bill: Do you want me to s**k your c**k? Hank: Do you want me...to want you...to s**k my c**k?