Cavemen

Nick: He's anti-caveman. Joel: How? Nick: Because he's running against a caveman. Joel: So if he was running against a woman, then he'd be…? Nick: Anti-woman. Joel: And if we were running against a bald guy, then he'd be…? Nick: Anti-bald and pro-hair. Okay, what part of "running against" and "anti" do you not understand? Joel: The part where you use them as synonyms.

Maurice: He looks at us and, and all he sees are lowlifes. Joel: You are a lowlife. Maurice: A lowlife with a walk-in humidor, sucka.

Maurice: I used to play so much Tetris I saw falling bricks when I closed my eyes. Joel: That's weird, man. Maurice: Eh, I used it at intimate times to prolong the act.

Andy: They shouldn't call this place San Diego. They should call it Scumball Town, home of the San Diego Scumballs. Nick: If it was called Scumbag Town, then why would their team be called San Diego anything? Andy: Because they're scumbags, Nick.

Joel: So how do you know Representative Whitman? Leslie: Oh, umm, we used to date. Joel: Oh, before you were married? Leslie: What are you getting at? Joel: Nothing.

Andy: You carry a .45? Thorne: Oh, I wish, but that is way too heavy for a purse gun. I carry a .22.

Andy: Do you have a gun I can borrow? Thorne: Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm down to my last two.

Whitman: Crime is my number one issue, and the first thing you can do is this: you can refuse to be a victim. Nick: Of course! I knew I should have said no when they called and asked me if I wanted to be a victim.

Goldreyer: The first step is purging our bodies of gluten. Only then is peace between nations possible. Andy: Of course! Goldreyer: What did you eat for breakfast? Andy: Oh my god. We ate pancakes. Goldreyer: You need to be irrigated, and quickly!

Andy: You're tearing me apart. Okay. you, you tell me one thing, he tells me another, and then everybody changes again. Nick: That's from Rebel Without a Cause. Andy: Yeah, but I really think it applies right now.