Nick: You guys are such a sucker for these fads. Juice bars, cupcakes, fancy coffees.
Andy: Honey-glazed hams!
Joel and Nick: What?
Andy: Come on, the Great Ham Craze of '96. You guys remember. I was obsessed. I had like, five, six sandwiches a day. Big, like, thick ones.
Joel: Okay. Andy, in order to be a fad more people had to like it then you.
Nick: You guys love this stuff because everybody else, it's basic herd-mentality B.S.
Joel: Then why are you here?
Nick: So I know what to hate.
Nick: I appreciate your flirtations, but I'm just here to hate this crap so what are your worst toppings?
Heather: Oh, you're that guy.
Nick: What guy?
Heather: The guy that hates everything everybody else likes because it makes him feel superior. Tell me, what's it like to hate the Beetles?
Joel: She is jonesin' to ride the Joel train.
Nick: Please, you're not a train. you're like a sad little parking lot tram at Disneyland. My friend, she wants to take a ride on the Nick Hedge Bullet Express.
Andy: Those are really fast. Was that what you're trying to say?
Nick: No, certainly not. I'm more like a slow train… wait.
Nick: No. All right, hold it, forget the train analogy for a minute and let's all agree that I am a superb lover.
Joel: No, I'm not gonna agree to that.
Andy: This yogurt gets betters with every bite.
Nick: It tastes like revolting slop.
Andy: Well, why are you eating it, then.
Nick: 'Cause I paid for it.
Joel: I paid for it.
Nick: My point is it was paid for.
Joel: Hey, look all I wanted a was a medium vanilla yogurt with kiwi and Fruity Pebbles.
Kate: Pebbles? That's very interesting that you would pick a sexy cavewoman, Joel.
Joel: What? No, Pebbles was a baby.
Kate: Not on The Pebbles and Bam-Bam Show!
Joel: Pebbles from The Flintstones. Okay, hot or a baby.
Joel: No. Baby. Not… not hot. She was, like, three years old.
Andy: Not on The Pebbles and Bam-Bam Show!
Heather: Look, don't get your panties in a clump. Most guys are wusses. I mean, last night, I was with this guy, he could not perform. I mean like, at all.
Leslie: You poor baby. I got one of those at home.
Kate: Mom, for god's sake!
Leslie: What? You're my little miracle.
Heather: What's wrong is that you're taken by my friend. If you don't call her, I'm gonna rip your voice box out and call her myself, but in your voice. What's it going to be?
Andy: I'm gay.
Andy: Yeah, I'm a gay man. I enjoy the gay lifestyle.
Heather: Then why'd you ask me if I had a friend.
Andy: Last… ditch effort.
Heather: All right.
Andy: Yeah. Unsuccessful.
Heather: Then make out with that guy?
Andy: What? What if he's not gay?
Gay Guy: I am.
Heather: (at the theater) The baby cries, the mother dies.
Nick: She took the breakup better then I thought. We just got that one dead possum in the mail.
Andy: You know, it actually brought some nice closure to the whole ordeal.