Celebrity Deathmatch

Ryan Seacrest: Seacrest punches! Seacrest kicks! Seacrest roundhouse!

Ryan Seacrest: What are you going to do, Simon? Attack me with more of your rapier-like wit? Simon Cowell: That's exactly what I'm going to do. (attacks Ryan Seacrest with his tongue) Ryan Seacrest: My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! (Simon Cowell punches Ryan Seacrest)

Sheen: What the hell is that? Farrell: Bar tabs. (attacks Sheen with the bar tabs) Sheen: Ok, try some of these arrest warrants on for size. (Sheen tosses the arrest warrants to Farrell)

Ryan Seacrest: (runs through the ring screaming) Seacrest out! Seacrest out! I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

Farrell: Ok, you ask for it. Sheen: What's in there? Farrell: Overdue library books. Mills: Hold up there, Farrell. You never been to a library in your life. Let me see that bag. Alexander DVDs? S.W.A.T. DVDs? Farrell, are you buying copies of your own crappy movies to inflate sale figures? Farrell: Um, no. Of course not. Mills: Alright, then. Now get it back on!

Jack Osbourne: Come here, you little... (tries to punch Mary-Kate Olsen but misses) Get over here! (grabs Mary-Kate Olsen but misses. He manages to grab her hair) Ha! Got ya! (pulls Mary-Kate Olsen's hair)

Simon Cowell: Is that it? Is that all you got? You fight like a theme park wedding singer performing karaoke on a cruise ship. Yes, that just about covers it. (gets a list saying four things: theme park, wedding singer, karaoke, and cruise ship)

Ryan Seacrest: (to the lady) No, stop it! I'm not a contestant! I'm not a contestant! Simon Cowell: Had enough? Because so far, your fighting is about as effective as the French army. (to himself in the mirror) You call that an insult? I heard better insults from Randy Jackson's awesome chili night. It's a good thing you're so gorgeous. You're going to Hollywood. Yes, you are, you splendid thing. (Ryan Seacrest punches and kicks him) How dare you hit me when I'm admiring myself? Ok, Seacrest, the kid gloves are off.

Johnny Gomez: (after Ryan Seacrest's underwear is revealed) Can you imagine a grown man wearing such underwear?

Kelly Osbourne: (while beating an old lady) Die! Die! Die! Die! Mills: Hold on there, missy! You're beating up a back lady. Kelly Osbourne: I am so sorry. (The old lady walks away)

Mills: (to Farrell and Sheen) Alright, you two, this ain't Celebrity Hook-up, it's Deathmatch. Here are couple of weapons you both understand. I wanna see some blood! (breaks liquor bottles)

Ryan Seacrest: You're a double doo-doo head! Simon Cowell: Astonishing. I've met MPCs with more brains than you. (Ryan Seacrest attacks with a punch but Simon Cowell is unharmed)

Farrell: I thought you got over your drinking problem and moved on to a gambling problem. Sheen: That's not true! I'll bet you any amount of money that's not true!

Mills: (To Sheen and Farrel) There's two things I want you to know. One, my daughter is in the audience tonight. And two, I've got a shotgun in back, and I know to use it!

Simon Cowell: Ok, you had your turn. Now it's mine. Ryan Seacrest: Seacrest Doomed! (Holds signs of "HELP" and "ME!")

Johnny Gomez: Ouch, now that's a bad hair day, even for Mary-Kate! Nick Diamond: Actually, Johnny, I doubt that hurt her at all. It's one of the Olsens' natural defense mechanisms. When the paparazzi or other predators get ahold of their hair, it breaks off, allowing for easy escape. Johnny Gomez: You mean like a lizard's tail! Nick Diamond: What the hell do I know about lizards?

Johnny Gomez: That's gotta hurt, eh Nick? Nick Diamond: Well, I'm sure he prefers it to being buried waist-deep in the Mexican desert, helpless to defend yourself as every insect, bird and rodent within ten miles feasts on your body, stripping you of your flesh, bit by bit, until your death from thirst three days later comes as a welcome release!

Simon Cowell: Simon says: BLEED!

Simon Cowell: Seacrest, I'm going to drop you faster than a syndicated talkshow. Ryan Seacrest: Joke's on YOU, Cowell! I WAS dropped really fast by a syndicated talkshow! Simon Cowell: How ironic - that you don't know the meaning of the word 'ironic'. (notices Seacrest getting furious) Oh, here it comes, another shining example of a Seacrest comeback... Ryan Seacrest: You're a doo-doo head!