Celebrity Poker Showdown Season 3 Episode 1

Dave F.: Well, players, we're going to play some poker tonight. Isn't that exciting? At the very least, it's mandatory.

Dave F.: Of course, Jennie Garth, thank you for being here.
Jennie: Thank you.
Dave F.: Thank you for elevating things.

Dave N.: (on Willie Garson) He took down Affleck.
Dave F.: He took down Affleck.. That was the take-down heard all the way to the head offices in New York in Bravo.

Dave F.: We're gonna play 'til one of you is left. 'Til the five become one. And I'm not talking about some Zen merger. Some sort of meeting of the minds but when four of you have lost, become losers, and joined us in the Losers' Lounge.

Robert: Willie folds.
Willie: And enjoys a cocktail.

(on taped interview)
Jerry: I'm a city kid. A lot of cards in my house. A lot of playing cards when I was growing up.

(on taped interview)
Jerry: I'm not afraid of Dave Navarro's cards. I'm just afraid of him, man. He's got tattoos all over his body.

(after winning a small pot)
Richard: (stands up to the applause of audiences) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

(on taped interview)
Richard: I found out that my dad was a very good poker player. And genetically, it obviously rubbed off because I love playing cards.

(on taped interview)
Richard: Phil Gordon will have many opportunities to say, "Well, this man is an idiot.".

(on taped interview)
Richard: If you must know, I despise this show.

Dave F.: Let's take an early look at the chip count.
Phil: An early look but it's late at night.
Dave F.: Well, it's as early as it's gonna get.

Jerry: Guys, I wanna call my mommy.
Richard: Really?
Willie: She'll say go all in.

Phil: We will note that Jennie's husband, Peter Facinelli hired a poker coach.
Dave F.: Yes, they've taken this very seriously.
Phil: I find that extremely impressive.
Dave F.: But sadly, they actually hired a polka coach.

Phil: Four spades on the turn. That gives Dave a pair of fours. Willie still has the best hand.
Dave F.: Yeah, but Dave has the best arms.
Phil: He does, for sure.

Richard: (looking straight at the poker table camera) I have seven-two. (showing his cards) I will not play this hand.

Richard: I am now the Boogeyman for children under 12. They see pictures of that, they will be scared.
Willie: And kids love this show.

(on taped interview)
Dave N.: Stud is like heroine. Texas Hold 'Em is like crack. You just throw money in there and it's a rush. And I enjoy the rush.

Female Audience Member: Jennie, you look best on camera.
Richard: That is not true.
Willie: That's such a ridiculous lie.
Jennie: That's all that really matters. Who cares about poker?

(on taped interview)
Jennie: I am a fierce competitor at heart. Who doesn't like to win? I think everybody likes to win.

(on taped interview)
Jennie: I got a manicure. 'Cause that's the most important thing before you come into a tournament. Your nails have to look good.

(on taped interview)
Jennie: I'm the only girl on at the table tonight. I've got some nice-looking boys to play with. I like playing with cute boys. Is my husband still here?

(on taped interview)
Jennie: That's the thing about women. You never know what they're thinking. That's why I have the edge.

Jerry: He's the man! He's the man! He's all man, Navarro.
Willie: (to Navarro) Oh, you little punk. If you act... we are never gonna get the band back together. I can't put up with your nonsense anymore.

Phil: Here is the chip count. I am the human abacus.

Willie: That's a beautiful ring that you have on, Jennie. Your husband has impeccable taste.
Jerry: That ain't a ring. That's bling-bling!

Phil: Now, it's up to Richard. He's gets to see the flop for free. This is very bad for this hand.
Dave F.: 'Cause again ladies, when you let someone see your flop for free, it cheapens you.

Richard: You know, I don't know how to read people so just keep looking at me. 'Cause I don't know what the hell I do or I don't do. But, it's good TV.

(on taped interview)
Willie: I think that Evil Willie should be retired and I'm looking just to be Kind Gentle Willie. Loving Willie who is taking all my chips. That's what I want everyone to say like, "Willie, that was the most loving way to lose ever."

(after avoiding elimination)
Jerry: That's what I'm talking about! That's what I'm talking about! Who's your daddy? Who is your daddy? Quién es el padre? Quién es el padre?

Jerry: (pointing at Dave Navarro's stack of chips) You got a Lego set there, Dave. Look at you man! If I was a kid, I'd come over to your house to play.

(on taped interview)
Jerry: When the game's over, I wanna be simply referred to as "Champ". Just "Champ". "Hey, Champ. What's up, Champ?". That's all I want.

(on taped interview)
Willie: Since we broke up the band, it's hard to be in a room together. Luckily, that's what Celebrity Poker Showdown does. It brings people together. And Dave and I, we're gonna get the band back together.

Dave N.: (after getting pocket queens) I'll raise.
Richard: What?! Hey, Dave! That is such chip power. You're a bully. And I don't say this on TV usually. Bull[bleep]!

Willie: Jennie has this thing like whoever bets, she just stares at them. Like she's looking into your soul.
Richard: In a 50's sex siren way. (as Jennie stares at him, to Jennie) I'm out of the hand. Don't look at me!

(as the pot goes up to $19,000)
Jerry: Can someone bring me my heart medication, please?

Willie: (to Dave Navarro) You have some hideous pair of something great.
Dave F.: (off-stage) He's talking about his cards, right?
Willie: That's all you have. Some awful stupid pair of some crap.

Willie: The weird thing is I'm urinating right now. Almost done. I'm almost done. Now, I'm done.

Jerry: I got my ass whooped is what I did.
Dave F.: And you dug a fantastic pit for yourself.
Jerry: A huge pit. I was coming back though.

(after losing first)
Jerry: It's a big big low point in my life, Dave. And I'd like to have some alone time actually.

Phil: That means Jennie Garth is first to act.
Dave F.: And Dave is in the power position.
Phil: Yes, he is. Wow, you really learned a lot here.
Dave F.: I haven't been sitting with my head up my ass, Phil. I've been paying attention to everything you tell me.

Richard: I am now going to present good TV. I mean it.
Willie: Do it. Do it!
Richard: I call.

(on taped interview)
Jennie: Richard Kind? Not so kind. Don't let him fool ya'.

Phil: Flushes beat straight, as we know.
Dave F.: What!?

(on taped interview)
Richard: Texas Hold 'Em is a great game. You must be a student of the game. You have to be knowledgeable. You have to be cunning and filled with guile. You have to be a rat and be able to read people. I don't possess these qualities.

Phil: Is our rock star getting tired?
Dave F.: Tired of hanging out with people that he's not gonna have sex with.

Jennie: (asking the dealer) So what are my options?
Dave F.: (off-stage, while the dealer explains to Jennie what her options are) You know when you're a pretty woman in Hollywood, you have so many options.

Dave N.: How much more to me?
Robert: 4700, sir.
Robert: You wipe your ass with that.
Dave N.: I'll tell ya', it wouldn't be the first time.

(after Dave's stack grew even more)
Willie: Look at Dave. Dave is Mt.Rushmore right now.