Celebrity Poker Showdown

Season 3 Episode 3

Tournament 3 Game 3

Aired Tuesday 8:00 PM Jul 22, 2004 on Bravo
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Episode Summary

Tournament 3 Game 3
Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, David Cross, Peter Facinelli, and Judy Greer play in tonight's tournament.

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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (10)

  • QUOTES (41)

    • Dave: Good evening and welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown, one of the only ways to make money for charity while drinking and gambling.

    • Dave: This is Celebrity Poker Showdown. It means if things don't go well, there is a chance you could lose your celebrity. Case in point, Ben Affleck. Perhaps you've seen the ads. Maybe it's in the ads for Jersey Girl starring Liv Tyler and that guy that got beat by Willie Garson.
      David: Wait a second! It thought he made those B-movies before he played in this game.

    • Will: I wish you guys had a mic inside my head.
      Jason: You would hear snoring.

    • David: I'd like to say that I know it looks like I'm drinking hot tea 'cause I have a cold, but there is liquor in it.

    • Dave: Judy said her strategy is she likened herself to a turtle, which shows a remarkable lack of understanding of how turtles actually work. Turtles are not known for its stalking abilities. It's mostly known for withdrawing into its shell and hoping it doesn't get eaten.

    • David: (mocking Judy) "I don't know what to do. I'm just a little girl." Seen it. I've seen it.

    • (after David lost to Peter only because of the river card)
      Dave: It took him to the river, and there he drowned, my friend.

    • (on taped interview)
      Peter: I used to play when I was a kid with my uncles and my dad. I used to break my little piggy bank and lose all my money then too.

    • (on taped interview)
      Peter: Everybody in this thing is on Arrested Development but me? Okay, I gotta tell ya' there's some kind of ploy going on here.

    • (on taped interview)
      Peter: I think they're trying to play me out. Because they've had so much time on the set to talk about how they're gonna get rid of me first. It's like this big Survivor thing. OK, now I know.

    • Dave: Here on Celebrity Poker Showdown, we're all about innovation. So for this next hand, one, we're gonna wear anti-gravity belts. And we're only gonna show you one player's whole cards and you're gonna have to decide how would you play it.

    • Phil: Now let's think about David Cross. We know that David is somewhat steaming from his previous losses the last couple of hands.
      Dave: By steaming you mean?
      Phil: Playing a hand very aggressively out of frustration or anger.

    • Dave: If you notice David is also growing a beard. Now this is a strategy a lot of bald men does, to try to trick people into thinking that his head is on upside down.

    • (going into commercial break)
      Dave: So far the gang from Arrested Development hasn't been able to arrest Peter's development. Can he hold on to his lead or will one of this co-workers take it away. We'll find out right after these arresting developments.

    • Jason: David, Liz Taylor just called. She's gonna want the bracelet back so...
      David: Like that's a burn. Like I'm not aware that I'm wearing a woman's bracelet. (Jason mumbles something) Hey wait you take that back! This is a family heir loom.

    • (on him wearing a woman's bracelet)
      David: Seriously, it makes my cock look huge.

    • (on taped interview)
      Judy: I am not an aggressive person. I am not an aggressive poker player. I'm like the turtle. Slow and steady wins the race.

    • (on taped interview)
      Jason: I'm very competitive about certain things. I don't like David Cross. I don't want to sit next to him. And I don't wanna be next to one of his wacky little outfits.

    • Dave: Let's do the chip count. 'Cause that kinda turns me on.
      Phil: And that's kinda what I do.

    • (on taped interview)
      David: (on losing to Nicole Sullivan in the Season One finals) I kinda gave the girl the game. I mean it's all about making the chick feel good.

    • (on taped interview)
      David: Last time, I said that Jesus wanted me to win. It's how it works. If Jesus wants you to win, you win. If Jesus wants you to lose, you lose.

    • (after Will only raised to 2000)
      Phil: I think he should have moved all in there, Dave.
      Dave: That's what I'd do but then I wouldn't have known why I'd do it.

    • (on taped interview)
      Will: I need to make a call. I'm just realizing that I am a compulsive gambler.

    • (on taped interview)
      Will: Listen, it's no secret. David Cross is a stone-cold drunk 24/7. So who knows what he's gonna do? The guy's a wild card.

    • Robert: Judy raises to 2600.
      Jason: I'll call the lovely lady.
      Robert: Jason calls. Two players.
      David: I'm not in.
      Jason: Oh.

    • (after Jason eliminated Judy Greer)
      Dave: Well, I hope Jason is proud of himself.

    • Dave: And if it's any comfort, a lot of times, the best players go out earliest.
      Judy: Really?
      Dave: Yeah. Because it's an inherently unjust God-less universe.
      Judy: Are you saying that just to make me feel better?
      Dave: No, I'm saying this so that you'll know exactly how bleak the universe is. How horrible the state of reality is.

    • Dave: (looking at his cue card) It says here that your dad is diabolic.
      Judy: He is diabolical!
      Dave: Diabetic. Sorry. You're dad is diabetic.
      Judy: 'Cause it's not the American diabolic Association.
      Dave: No, 'cause that would be a bad charity to play for.

    • Dave: And we're back here at the Palms Casino Resort where we have our first casualty, our first guest in the Losers' Lounge, Ms. Judy Greer. The vicious stalking turtle, as she likes to be known. Who said earlier the only card game she really plays is solitaire. Which for a little while, she'll be able to play here.
      Phil: She'll be able to play it here, for sure.

    • (after Judy Greer got eliminated)
      Dave: Why don't we look at the chip count to check who might be coming next.
      Phil: With the best player out, no one really even cares about the chip count anymore.

    • (after David flopped two-pair after eating his lucky banana)
      Phil: Note to self. Bring a banana to the next Poker Tour event.

    • Phil: Peter's got the best hand now with the Ace-high.
      Dave: And he's married to Jennie Garth.
      Phil: He's got that going for him too.

    • Phil: (on Jason's Ace-Queen) Another fantastic hand. He doesn't know that he's completely dominated by David though.
      Dave: I had that same problem with my first marriage.

    • (after David doubled up twice after eating a banana)
      Peter: Give me a damn banana!
      Jason: Can I have a banana?

    • (on taped interview)
      Peter: I'm shaking in my boots with Jason Bateman. Jason makes me nervous.

    • Will: Once Judy left, it became like a guy's pissing contest out there. Everybody got real tight. Everybody got real, you know...
      Dave: Which is one of the greatest indoor sports.
      Will: Yeah, guys pissing contest?
      Dave: And it's a demonstration sport this summer in Greece.

    • (after folding)
      Peter: Sometimes you gotta live to fight another day.

    • Peter: You would have 3,000 and I would have 46,000.
      Phil: Well, no. Peter would have 44,000 and David would have 6,000.

    • Dave: You know what, over-confidence was the mistake that Tom Cruise made in The Color of Money.

    • Will: It's a smart move. Lay it down. He's a couple of wins away from taking the whole thing.
      Phil: And there's no reason to risk going out there if you have a crap hand. Wait for him to move all-in when you got a good hand.
      Will: And then boom!

    • Peter: I feel like Phil Hellmuth of Celebrity Poker Showdown. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

  • NOTES (2)

    • Cross and Facinelli both played in the first season of CPS. Facinelli came in second in his first game. Cross won his game, and advanced to the final table, where he finished second. Both men came in second to Nicole Sullivan: Facinelli in the first game, Cross at the final table.

    • Four of the five players in this episode appear in the critically acclaimed Fox series, Arrested Development : Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, David Cross, and Judy Greer.