Celebrity Poker Showdown

Season 3 Episode 5

Tournament 3 Game 5

Aired Tuesday 8:00 PM Aug 05, 2004 on Bravo
out of 10
User Rating
10 votes

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Episode Summary

Tournament 3 Game 5
Seth Meyers, Hank Azaria, Amy Poehier, Jeffery Ross, and Gail O'Grady play in tonight's tournament.

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (9)

    • QUOTES (63)

      • Amy: You had a two-headed King on your card?
        Seth: Yeah, I guess like...
        Amy: They're very rare, two-headed Kings.
        Seth: A King slept with a Queen that was his cousin.

      • Dave: Good evening and welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown. Now this is not your average kitchen table poker game unless of course your kitchen is filled with celebrities playing for a quarter-million prize pool.

      • Dave: Hank, you're back. You were here last year. You played for Alzheimer's. You were trying to raise money to help cure Alzheimer's. You did not make it past the 1st round. As a result, Alzheimer's is still with us, Hank.

      • Dave: Now this year, obviously, you've just ditched Alzheimer's.
        Hank: Well, it wasn't very lucky for me, was it?

      • Dave: (on Jeffrey's shirt) You can never get a man to have sex with you with that shirt.
        Hank: I disagree.

      • (before the game started)
        Phil: Let's get it on!
        Dave: Oh, what? Yes!

      • (when the waitress walks out to bring them drinks)
        Jeffrey: Honey, I told you to wait in the car. What the hell are you doing?

      • Robert: Jeffrey folds.
        Jeffrey: Alright! They see that.

      • Seth: I only came here for one thing which is to make friends with Phil Gordon. Hopefully, it's working.

      • Amy: All I think about is Phil. All I think about is Phil telling me what to do.
        Phil: Too bad she's married.
        Amy: She's married but it's a showbiz marriage. They're very unstable.

      • Jeffrey: He has the bluest eyes, Phil. Did you notice that?
        Amy: Like two oceans.
        Hank: I'm uncomfortable.

      • Phil: Now, when the board is paired like that, it often pays to come out and bet right away.
        (Gail bets and makes Amy fold)
        Dave: Oh, you know your stuff.

      • Dave: Let's check the chip count to see if anyone is jumping out to an early lead or if we're just all wasting our time.
        Phil: Let's do it.

      • Robert: You're the big blind, Hank.
        Hank: You don't have to be a nag about it, Robert.

      • (on taped interview)
        Amy: Gambling and competition comes very easy to me.

      • (on taped interview)
        Amy: I've been preparing for this like I went to college. I've been doing a lot of cramming. I can't lie and say that I'm very good. Or am I very good? Maybe I'm bluffing right now.

      • (on taped interview)
        Amy: Gail is the other lady at the table. I'm sorry to say but I feel I wanna crush Gail.

      • Jeffrey: I'm loosening my belt.
        Hank: Literally.
        (Robert looking over at Jeffrey)
        Jeffrey: (to Robert) Mind your own business.

      • (after Hank bets 2,000 after the flop)
        Seth: Wow! You never see that much money.
        Hank: That's a lot of dough.
        Seth: It's a lot of dough.
        Jeffrey: Guy's on The Simpsons. He's got more money than God.

      • Amy: I'd like to think that we're gonna make a few new friends during this game.
        Gail: (staring at Amy) Really?
        Amy: I'm gonna make three new friends.

      • Jeffrey: If Dennis Quaid had a less good-looking cousin, you'd be him.
        Robert: I need some help, Hank.

      • Robert: Everybody folded. Gail folded. Jeff finally wins a pot. (Jeff and Robert hug) All is forgiven.
        Hank: Not a bad time to find more about Jeff. I'm just saying.
        (taped interview on Jeff and his charity is shown)

      • (on taped interview)
        Jeffrey: You see I was confused by the phrase Texas Hold 'Em 'cause I thought that was a sexual position.

      • Hank: You know Robert and Cathy are brother and sister.
        Seth: Everybody who works in this casino is related.
        Jeffrey: I'm a Maloof!
        Dave: Jeff Ross is referring to the Maloof Brothers who own the Palms Casino.

      • (as Seth was playing with his chips preparing to bet)
        Jeffrey: You sure you wanna do that?
        Gail: I smell fear.
        Seth: That's my new cologne. Fear by Seth Meyers. 1200.

      • Jeffrey: It's nice that they gave us, as a gift, they gave us chips. Like our own set of home chips. So all I need is a house, some chairs, and some friends.

      • Seth: Is that our first turn?
        Robert: I think so.
        Hank: Might be.
        Seth: Come on guys, it's our first turn!
        (audience cheering)
        Seth: It's really happening now.
        Hank: That's also a euphemism for masturbation

      • Jeffrey: No napkins. No fork. Where's Gavin and Joe? I wanna talk to the Maloofs right now.

      • Hank: I get all in love with Gail when she stares at me.
        Amy: I know Gail... She lures you in with her smile.
        Gail: Thank you, Amy. What are you doing later?

      • (on taped interview)
        Hank: I learned a lot playing the last time. I didn't bet hard enough when I had decent enough cards. I gave the lovely Nicole Sullivan an opportunity to suck out on me.

      • (on taped interview)
        Hank: I'm not gonna make the mistake of trash-talking all my little opponents. Although there are extensively funny people in this game, I don't find any of them funny. They're just not my comedic cup of tea.

      • (on taped interview)
        Gail: I'm a very competitive person. My brother and I could never get through any kind of game without a out-and-out fist fight.

      • Jeffrey: I wanna be called Paris Hilton. 'Cause I'm goin' down faster than her.

      • Hank: This is the dirtiest game I've ever played.
        Jeffrey: That's the dirtiest T-shirt I've ever seen.
        Hank: (pointing out Jeff's shirt) Look at what he's wearing.
        Jeffrey: (stands up) What is wrong with my shirt?
        Seth: What I like about your shirt, Jeff, is they did those things on the arm. And when they're done, then they go, "You know what, we need it down the middle as well. We need more of it."

      • Jeffrey: Sorry, pregnant lady. You're losing for two today, baby.
        Gail: (comparing their stacks) I don't think so.
        Jeffrey: You're doing great.

      • Dave: At this point I'm a little upset that Amy has adopted the nickname "Lady Fantastic".
        Phil: She is playing great poker.
        Dave: I know but that is my nickname, Phil. I have been "Lady Fantastic" since the mid-70's.

      • (on taped interview)
        Seth: I'm an incredibly experienced poker player. Incredibly inexperienced at winning.

      • (on taped interview)
        Seth: I have a strategy, which I'm pretty excited about. Which is I've worked out with Bravo that instead of two cards before the flop, I'm getting three.

      • (after Jeff throws down his cards)
        Robert: Jeff folds.
        Hank: Folds unhappily.

      • Jeffrey: I brought my nephew 'cause they told me my vacation in Vegas was a family vacation spot. I had to hire a hooker to baby-sit. I come upstairs and say, "How was everything?". She goes, "well, he was a little cranky so I gave him a hand job. He went right back to sleep."

      • Dave: Now, here is where my expertise comes in.
        Phil: Hand jobs?
        Dave: No, I know he's going to the act. That's prepared material.

      • Gail: I worked in a library.
        Hank: You did? You're a librarian? That's kinda hot.
        Gail: I got fired.
        Hank: I'm not surprised.
        Seth: If you dress like that as a librarian, I would read every book.

      • Gail: My section was always a mess.
        Hank: Your section was a mess?
        Gail: That's what they said.
        Hank: And another euphemism right there!

      • Jeffrey: I talked to Phil. He really doesn't know what he's talking about.

      • Amy: Somebody's gotta play like a jerk. I guess it would be me. Or maybe I'm bluffing.

      • Dave: (on Hank who has very few chips left) At this point, is he chewing his gum or is his gum chewing him?

      • Dave: One thing about being first out is you do get to sit here and drink longer than anyone else.
        Hank: No, it's great to sit here in the Lounge for two or three hours while they play. It's tremendous. Where you wanna be.

      • Dave: What happens in real life doesn't matter. What happens on TV is all that counts.

      • (on taped interview)
        Jeffrey: You know I'm a pretty friendly guy. I don't have it out for anybody but that Gail O'Grady. If I had to really go for somebody, it's the pregnant chick. She's going down.

      • (on taped interview)
        Jeffrey: I think Amy's probably gonna go out first. Yeah, because she's the best-dressed. She's really thinking about the wrong things.

      • Dave: We have our first casualty. We're joined in the Losers' Lounge by Hank Azaria, the incredibly talented but unbelievably unfortunate and he's just a... (Hank walking around the set, looking dazed) I'm gonna be honest with you, folks. He's not coping with this well. He's become one of the saddest things that I've seen in show business.

      • (on taped interview)
        Amy: I don't have a poker nickname per se. I would like to be called something like "Captain Fantasy", "Doctor Tomorrow", "Stone-Cold Winner", "Madame Destruction", "Lady Fantastic". Any of those, I'll take.

      • Audience Member: All-in!
        Amy: I'll be all-in with your money, bitch! Not mine.

      • Dave: You still get five thousand for the Elephant Sanctuary.
        Gail: Thank you.
        Dave: Which... I don't know if that's ah... That could save at least one elephant.
        Gail: It could probably feed them breakfast.

      • Dave: Welcome back to the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas, Nevada where prostitution is legal but gay marriage is not.

      • Jeffrey: Did you fart?
        Robert: That was you. And don't be blaming it on me. (moves away from Jeff)

      • Amy: And I think that this should just be called The Lounge. You don't have to call it The Losers' Lounge.
        Dave: If it wasn't so full of losers, we might take that... Come on, where's your argument?

      • Jeffrey: I'm gonna ruin this pretty boy.
        Seth: Look, you know, I've made some stupid mistakes in my life. I'm never gonna forgive myself if I [bleep] this up.

      • Jeffrey: By the way, I'm playing for charity and that's a stripper named Charity.

      • Jeffrey: Isn't it sad sort of or at least ironic that this is Celebrity Poker and the most famous person in the game is Robert?

      • Jeffrey: (to Robert) Is he talking to me? (to Seth) You talk to Robert and Robert will tell me.
        Seth: Robert, could you tell Jeff that I am curious as to what they are saying in the Losers' Lounge and also tell him he is being incredibly unreasonable.
        Robert: OK, basically, he said you're being an [bleep]hole. That's that.

      • Jeffrey: (Jeff and Seth are the only two left in the game) May the funniest guy win.

      • Seth: Now everyone's like, we can see this. I could tell my kids about this.
        Jeffrey: You won't be able to have kids when I get done with you.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (1)

      • (going into commercial break)
        Dave: You like pocket aces? Sure you do. And even if you don't, I know five celebrity poker players who love 'em! We're gonna see that Holy Grail of poker hands not just once, but twice right after these messages...

        The search for the Holy Grail was popularized by the 1989 action-adventure film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade starring Harrison Ford.