Celebrity Poker Showdown

Season 5 Episode 2

Tournament 5 Game 2

Aired Tuesday 8:00 PM Feb 01, 2005 on Bravo



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Dave: Good evening. Welcome to Celebrity Poker Showdown. Now, if this is your first time watching the show, let me tell you, it's a lot like Iron Chef except everyone speaks English and you're unlikely to see a squid.

    • (Mary was wearing a low-cut blouse)
      Chris: (pointing at Mary) Look, Mary brought her breasts.
      Dave: I know. I'm not an obstetrician, but I guess you're still nursing.
      Mary: I am.
      Nicholas: So am I.

    • Phil: Alright Dave, all the players are gonna start with 10,000 in chips.
      Dave: Even Robert?
      Phil: Even... well, not Robert. He's the tournament director.
      Dave: Oh, he's always out there.

    • (on taped interview)
      Jason: Texas Hold 'Em is a fairly new game to me, but I have been coached by some of the best. And I'm ready to talk about it.

    • (on taped interview)
      Jason: I'm a professional bluffer. This is what I do for a living. I'm full of crap. I'm actually a tall black man and I just look like a bald short Jewish guy.

    • Dave: Now, Phil, if it isn't imposing, could we take a look at the early chip count?
      Phil: Not at all, sweetheart.
      Dave: Thank you, Darling.

    • (on taped interview)
      Chris: When I win, I'll get my car washed. I'll start a new diet like I'll eat more fruit, berries.

    • (only Allison Janney wasn't in on the pot)
      Phil: We've got four-way action here.
      Dave: I once had two-way action.

    • (Chris kept on talking)
      Jason: You notice Chris when the game stops, it's usually you. Your turn.

    • (after Chris calls Nicholas' bet after the flop)
      Phil: Why is he calling? He has no pair and no draw. That's very strange.
      Dave: Oh sure. If you know that you got no pair and no draw.

    • (after Chris was having a hard time figuring out what to do)
      Jason: Look at me. (making a "check" sign)
      Chris: What?
      Jason: What am I making?
      Chris: A "V"? Check! Check!

    • (on taped interview)
      Nicholas: What I like about Texas Hold 'Em is it's really kinda like chess. It takes a lot of intellect. It takes a lot of balls.

    • (on taped interview)
      Nicholas: My strategy for today is sit tight, wait for the nuts, and then stick it to them.

    • (all night, his opponents were laughing at him 'cause he doesn't know what he's doing)
      Chris: I'm coming across as a bad player.

    • (after the flop)
      Allison: (having the best hand) I fold.
      Phil: Oh no.
      Robert: You can check.
      Allison: Oh, check. I hate this game. I hate it. No matter how much I practice. I hate this game.
      Robert: Allison checks.
      Chris: Don't hate it. Love it.
      Allison: Alright, I check.
      Robert: Allison checks.
      Allison: I don't understand though.
      Chris: What? Don't ask me!

    • Dave: They don't know what they're doing. And they're fun. This is my kind of poker.

    • (after Allison went all-in)
      Chris: Why are doing that?
      Allison: Because I wanted to. I really wanted to.
      Chris: Are you bluffing?
      Allison: I don't know. I don't know.
      Nicholas: I believe she doesn't know.

    • Jason: Let me ask you a question. Do you like being on TV?
      Chris: I like your movies.

    • (on taped interview)
      Allison: I'm here to redeem myself. I was very humiliated publicly last game.

    • Chris: At the Palms. What stays here happens here? What is it?
      Nicholas: What happens at the Palms, stays at the Palms.
      Dave: By the way, that rule... the what happens stays here does not apply to STD's.
      Phil: Yeah, you take those with you.

    • Mary: (on Chris) He's like reckless.
      Chris: What does that mean?
      Jason: She fears you.

    • (on taped interview)
      Mary: I have a new baby. I don't sleep. That's my excuse. I blame my daughter.

    • (on taped interview)
      Mary: Chris Kattan. He's clueless. He doesn't even know what a pair is.

    • (on taped interview)
      Mary: The Losers' Lounge looks kinda fun to me. I don't think it should be named that. I think Most-Improved Lounge. That's what I'm calling it.

    • (after Chris kept on betting while having nothing)
      Phil: (off-stage) Mary, you didn't have to have anything. He has less than anything.
      Jason: What the hell is going on?!
      Nicholas: You didn't have anything! You won this one?
      Mary: I couldn't let it go 'cause I thought he has nothing. 'Cause who could figure him out?
      Jason: I wanna make love to you on this table right now.
      (Chris is still clueless)

    • Dave: I'm Dave Foley. I know two or three things about poker. And this is Phil Gordon who knows literally everything. And those are actually two of the three things I know about poker.

    • Chris: I don't like this game. Isn't there like a Celebrity Pac-Man?

    • (Phil Gordon approaches Chris and gives him the poker tips handbook)
      Chris: What are you doing?
      (Dave Foley approaches Chris and gives him a hard-bound book on poker)
      Jason: I'm just guessing, but it may be tied to your [bleep] Phil comment.

    • (as Chris was walking into the Losers' Lounge)
      Dave: Chris Kattan, you're my kind of poker player.
      Chris: Why? I don't know what I'm doing?
      Dave: Yeah.

    • Dave: There's a lack of enthusiasm out there now that you're not there.
      Chris: 'Cause I'm like a little ball of magic. As much as I'm not doing hot on that game. People miss that ball of fun.

    • Phil: When you get caught bluffing, you really now have to be aware of your table image in the next big hand you're in. People now know that you're capable of pulling off the big bluff. So the next time or the next couple of times that you're in the pot, I really suggest trying to have a good hand.
      Dave: When you get caught with a hooker, you have to worry about your image in show business. You have to go on Leno and apologize.

    • Mary: We need to finish this game up soon. Because... (signaling her hands over her breasts) Milk. Swelling.
      Nicholas: You know what, my feet are soaked in it, actually. This is really ridiculous. We need to take a break.

    • Jason: (on Mary) What I love is she's winning while reading the instructions to the game.

    • (Jason whimpering like a baby)
      Mary: Don't. He's trying to make my breasts leak.

    • (after Jason won with a flush against Mary's huge bluff)
      Jason: You scared the crap out of me. You scared the living crap out of me.

    • (on taped interview)
      Jason: Mary to me is a wild card. 'Cause Mary comes off as very innocent, girly, and everything. And then she rapes you. She just turns you around, faces you face down on the table, and just has at you.

    • (Nicholas' pair of threes versus Jason's King-ten off-suit)
      Phil: This is a classic coin-toss situation, Dave.
      Dave: But that's not how we're gonna settle this, Phil.
      Phil: No, it's not.

    • Dave: Jason, there you are. (giving Jason the silver chip) Which means you're going on to the Championship table. Chris will be going on to a strip club.

    • Mary McCormack: (realizing she's going to lose) I'm going to be like Shannon Elizabeth and cry!

  • Notes

  • Allusions

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