Celebrity Poker Showdown Season 5 Episode 3

Dave: I'd like to thank most of you for bothering to dress.
J.K.: (wearing only a shirt and shorts) Yeah, I didn't get the memo.

(J.K. was only wearing shorts and a shirt)
Dave: J.K. is penalized for not wearing the school uniform.
Phil: Or having no hair.

Bonnie: (to scantily-dressed waitress) I'm gonna need that outfit back, by the way.

(while Lacey was deciding on whether to raise or call)
Audience: All-in!
Bonnie: Do what's in your heart, honey.
J.K.: Thanks, mom.

(after Lacey check-raised Robert twice and won a huge pot)
Phil: She check-raised him once. She check-raised him twice. Then she stuck the dagger in him on the river.

(on taped interview)
Lacey: I play cards like Go Fish and War.

Dave: You know you can't be the chip leader without knowing what beats what. Well actually, you can but you're not gonna know how it happened. And if you're one of them knowledge queens then here's a refresher course from lowest to highest hand.

(on taped interview)
Robert: I've lost a lot in my life. But I've also won a great deal. And I could tell you I prefer being a winner.

Bonnie: (to Scott) Quit undressing me with your eyes and play poker...

Bonnie: (to Scott) You're looking at me very honestly. Whenever a man does that, I assume he'll never call again.

(on taped interview)
Bonnie: I'm looking forward to playing against Robert Wagner. That's why I did the whole Stefanie Powers thing with my hair. I wanna distract him with my beauty. And he really seems to really have a good sense of humor. And he's a great kisser, I might add. 'Cause we had a lot of downtime when we first got here today.

(on taped interview)
Bonnie: Well, Lacey doesn't really need the skills. She's got the looks. I need the skills.

Scott: As your big brother, I order you to fold your cards.
Lacey: I don't think I want to. I'm gonna play.

Bonnie: I don't know if it's appropriate to be winking at me, Robert.
Robert: Especially when my wife is in the audience.
Bonnie: Oh, she is?
Robert: Probably not a good idea.

Audience Member: He's bluffing. He's leaning forward.
J.K.: I've been leaning forward since I sat down.
Bonnie: That's true. He's been consistent.
J.K.: I'm just lazy.
Scott: Hiding the fact that you're not wearing pants.

(after the board showed two Queens)
J.K.: Scott, i got a pair of Queens. Run away.
Bonnie: He means his two uncles.

Phil: J.K. missed a big opportunity here. When your opponent displays weakness in No Limit Hold 'Em, push some chips in the pot and make him pay.
Dave: But in life when someone displays weakness, how about helping them out?

Bonnie: Oh, I'm sorry. I think it's interesting for young actors at home to hear about your "Dancing Penguin" beginnings.
J.K.: Yes, Andrew Hill Newman and I were "Dancing Penguins" together off-Broadway.
Lacey: Well, that's nice.
Scott: Is that true?
J.K.: Why? Am I gonna make that up?

Bonnie: (to the dealer) So what movies have you done, Bobby?
Bobby: Are we allowed to say those?
Bonnie: Oh dear, I thought I recognized you.

Bonnie: What're you doing later, Scott?
Scott: What's your offer?
Bonnie: Oh my!

(on taped interview)
J.K.: I never ever bluff. I cheat. So I always have really good cards. And I never need to bluff.

(after going all-in)
Scott: (imagining a large stack of chips in front of him) I was kinda hoping it would take a big push.

Scott: Bonnie, what would it take for you to give me like one stack of purple ones?
Bonnie: French-kiss me?

(after Bonnie's proposal of a French kiss with Scott)
Dave: If I was in Scott's seat, Bonnie would be sitting there with a mouthful of tongue right now.

J.K.: (to Lacey) I will put you all-in.
Lacey: That's not very nice.
J.K.: Well, you weren't very nice to Robert.

(after Bonnie beat him in a pot and left him with just a $100-chip)
Scott: Can I donate it to someone's charity?

Phil: (describing Scott's situation) The expression is you have a chip, you have a chair, you have a chance to win.

(Scott left with only $200)
Scott: I'm all-in. I dare you. I challenge thee.
J.K.: You're a ballsy guy.

(after Scott was down to a $100-chip and came back)
J.K.: What the hell are you still doing here?
Scott: I don't know!

(on taped interview)
Bonnie: Personally, I'm just playing against J.K. Simmons. He's got the look of the guy in the old neighborhood that's carrying bean bag ashtray, has a cigar in his mouth, and says, "Let's play a little poker", and just wipes you out.