Diane: You have sunk so low you would need a ladder to kiss a snake's hinney.
Sam: This isn't an IOU. It's a bunch of writing I don't understand. That's what this is.
Diane: Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam?
Sam: No, it's English.
Diane: In your case that qualifies.
Sam: You know this might be none of my business but have you thought about getting a second opinion? Doctors do make mistakes.
Malcolm: Every doctor I've been to has given me the same diagnosis and I've been to 12 leading specialists.
Sam: Maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack.
Guy: You must have a high threshold for pain.
Coach: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Guy: Pretty tough guy there, huh.
Norm: No, no he doesn't know what threshold means.
Diane: How do you cheer someone up who's got six months to live?
Sam: I'll tell him I've got five.
Lady: How do you do that without burning your hand?
Sam: I don't.
Diane: [to Sam] You are a SAND FLEA!