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Chuck: You can't shoot us because the whole family will hear it.
Bernie: Right. I can't. (He picks up a baseball bat) But I can beat you to death.
Chuck: I was really hoping for a third option that did not include death.
-
Casey: Chuck's dad. Where is he?
Jill: I don't know...exactly. But I do know someone who might know where they're holding him.
Sarah: Who?
Jill: My Uncle Bernie.
Casey: That better not be a joke because I don't have a sense of humor.
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Lester: I mean, people, do you have any idea what working with fried food would do to my complexion?
Jeff: I can't leave the Buy More. I won't survive in the real world. I'm institutionalized.
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Chuck: Most girls only get four Cs with the ring, but my Jill she got five: Cut, Color, Clarity, Carat and Chuck!
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Sarah: You're 100% sure you want to go through with this?
Chuck: More like 45, maybe...maybe 30.
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Casey: What do you call your move, anyway?
Chuck: What move?
Casey: The girlie pose I saw you in. What do you call that?
Chuck: The Morgan.
Sarah: The Morgan?
Chuck: He invented it in high school when girls were beating him up. You kind of duck a little bit, protect the important...you know, your face and... (Gestures at groin)
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Big Mike: Sweet Onion Chicken teriyaki.
Morgan: Yep.
Big Mike: A taste of the Orient in Burbank. The flavors melt together in perfect harmony. Just like me and your mama.
-
Jill: What happened?
Chuck: Burghee attacked me, I did The Morgan, and he flew out the window.
Jill: That's two kills in two days, Chuck. That Morgan move really is killer.
-
Beckman: Chuck's going into lockdown. He'll be taken to Washington and put into a secure facility once and for all.
Casey: Operation Moron is over?
-
(Chuck tries to pull Agent Burghee back onto the window washer's scaffolding)
Burghee: Pull me up!
Chuck: I'm trying, I'm trying! Please...please tell me where my father is.
Burghee: Or what, you'll drop me?!?
Chuck: I'd never drop you; that's a horrible thing to do to somebody!
Burghee: Really?
Chuck: Yeah, it's a 15 story fall; it's an awful way to die!
-
Burghee: Are you wearing a wire?
Chuck: That's preposterous!
(Two agents draw their guns at Chuck's head)
Burghee: Are you wearing a wire?
Chuck: Yes, yes, I am.
-
Jeff: I can't...tell you how many times I defiled myself at work. Emmett cured me of that. Now I only violate myself at home or in the car. But never in the Nerd Herder.
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Sarah: I'm, uh, Chuck's cousin Sarah, and this is my boyfriend, John. (She indicates Casey)
Wally: Talk about beauty and the beast, hunh, you must be loaded!
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Casey: Permission to drop the twerp into a deep, dark hole, General?
Beckman: Granted.
Casey: Hunh?