Clerks

Season 1 Episode 3

Episode #1

1
Aired Wednesday 9:30 PM May 31, 2000 on ABC

Episode Recap

A man enters Quick Stop and looks around. No one is anywhere to been seen in the store. Randal says over the intercom "Is it safe?" The man is confused and starts to get angry. "It puts the lotion in the basket." He gets freaked out and runs out to his car and crashes into a telephone pole. His car goes up in flames and he runs down the street, also in flames. Dante and Randal get up from behind the counter. Randal tells Dante he owes him five bucks and tells him to take it from the register.Dante's phone is ringing. He wakes up inside a giant heap of clothes and reaches for the phone. "No way. It's my day off. Fine I'll be there." He opens the Quick Stop and gets ready for the day. A huge rush of people comes into the Quick Stop. There is a montage of annoying customers. Dante looks bored. "Nothing exciting ever happens in this place." Fireworks fly by Dante's face. He asks the kids in the store where they got the fireworks. Jay and Silent Bob are seen on the street corner selling M-80's to a bunch of little children. Dante confronts them. Jay lights a firework and hits it with a stick it flies through the air and lands in front of the man who crashed his car just as he is leaving the hospital and blows up in his face.6 hours later…Randal enters the Quick Stop. "Oh my God, call the cops. I just freed myself from a madman's subterranean prison. He's been holding me captive…which is why I'm a little late opening the video store. I can describe the den cage for police sketch artists. There were walls, there were doors. (Slams fists on counter and cries) I can't relive it. Don't make me. I'm begging you. What are you doing here?" Dante tells him how the boss called because someone told him he needed to work more for college credits. Randal says it wasn't him. Dante says he wasn't accusing him. Ok, it was Randal. Dante tells Randal the guy in the store has been waiting all morning for Randal to open the store so he can return videos. Randal turns to him and says move it. The man responds by telling him that he is 3 hours late. "So are these" Randal says as he takes the videos from the man's arms. "That's gonna be a late charge." Randal leaves Quick Stop to open the video store and gets run over by a crowd of people. A nerd tells Randal "Don't you know? He has returned!" Randal says "Uh oh, Jesus?"…. "No, better. Leonardo Leonardo has returned." Leonardo Leonardo's grandfather bought their town in the 1800s from Indians. However it was Leonardo Leonardo who conquered Canada. He made his fortune by acquiring Canadian mineral rights from the Indians in exchange for the Polio virus. He has returned and suddenly there is a huge tented structure across the street. He lands in a helicopter and announces that he has returned after seeing all there is to see…in New Jersey. He is home for good and has built Leonardo Tower. Jay says "Hey that tower looks like a huge bong!" Leonardo then announces that he is opening a new convenience store "The Quicker Stop". He is doing this because the Quick Stop has become a hangout for criminals and poorly trained clerks, with names like Dante and Handal. "It's Randal! HEY! It's Raaaaan-dal". The Quicker Stop has everything including movies, music, kids' books, a coffee bar and an adult magazine store. Leonardo watches from a balcony near the top of the store. "Phase one is complete." A tumbleweed rolls down the street past the Quick Stop. There is no one around. Dante and Randal don't care and are playing games inside the Quick Stop. Their boss calls and says he is closing down both stores. Dante asks why? A tumbleweed rolls through the store. Randal has no idea why. Randal then says he has a plan. He puts up a huge sign on the outside of the store that reads "Pay as you exit." Jay and Silent Bob show up and tell Dante and Randal that they quit. "You don't work here." Jay says "Not anymore, we'll be hanging out on the corner of the Quicker Stop". Leonardo Leonardo is trying to build a desk in his office and can't figure out what to do. He gets a report that the Quick Stop sales have spiked over 1000%. They just made a 19 cent sale. "Bring this store to me". Dante and Randal are brought into Leonardo Leonardo's office. Leonardo's desk is horribly slanted and there are leftover pieces lying on the floor. Dante tells him it's a great desk. Randal tells him it sucks and looks like it's been built by a retard. Leonardo then offers the two of them a job at Quicker Stop. Randal tells him to shove it and the college education he is offering. They are happy at the Quick Stop. Leonardo tells them that he is going to take over all of the stores and then downtown Leonardo will be replaced with a "North of the Border" theme store. "Canadian goods…available in the States for the first time." He kicks Dante and Randal out of his building. Randal decides that Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed. After Leonardo leaves his office, Dante and Randal climb a rope up the side of the building and onto the roof. There are two doors. One is blank and the other says "Maze of Death". Randal says the blank door could be anything and that the better option is to take the Maze of Death. They run screaming all the way to Leonardo's office. Jay and Silent Bob are hanging out in Leonardo's office. Dante finds a book that details Leonardo's plan step by step. They take the book and run to the town meeting. Leonardo has already told the people that he plans on turning the town into a "Domed pleasure resort town where the people of Leonardo will work underground as mindless slave drones who live off the crumbs of the rich." He leaves the meeting as the townspeople chant for "Crumbs! Crumbs! Crumbs!"
Randal gets up at the meeting and tells the people that stage 3 consists of "Flooding the underground and drowning all the workers." Townsperson: "But then who will operate the machinery and keep the pleasure dome running?" Dante: "Phase 4: an army of robot workers to replace the slaves." Walt and Steve-Dave: "What if the robots united and rebelled against Leonardo?" Randal: "Phase 5: an army of highly intelligent apes move in and quell the robot insurrection." Townsperson: "What if the apes are pacifists?" Time passes…. Dante: "Phase 24: the virus, while not affecting anyone inside the dome, destroys all the chickens." Townsperson: "That may well be but then where will he get all the eggs?" Randal: "Phase 39: Robot chickens." Dante: "Phase 63: The dome launches into space and nukes the Earth from orbit." Randal: "It's the only way to be sure." The only remaining person at the meeting: "Oh my god. Leonardo is a monster. We must stop him!" This guy doesn't even live in Leonardo; he lives in New York City and was on his way to the beach when he stopped to use the bathroom. Dante and Randal are hanging out during their last night at the Quick Stop. They watch a UPN show "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeifer". Randal says "Hey this is the one where Jefferson Jefferson tries to destroy Washington by opening a White House of the future. A classic!" Dante says "Wait a second, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Randal responds "Urinating in the frozen foods section and watching it steam up? Oh yea!" Dante says all they need to do to stop Leonardo Leonardo is what Pfeiffer did to stop Jefferson Jefferson. "First Desmond wears a dress and pretends to be a rich widow…." We see that Randal is dressed up like a woman and is Leonardo's fiancé. They have him in handcuffs. He says that as long as Quicker Stop stands then they cannot stop him. Randal: "Oh yea, Desmond blew up the White House of the future." The Quicker Stop, which is behind the 3 of them, blows up with some help from Jay and Silent Bob and their fireworks. Jay makes fun of Randal for wearing a dress. Leonardo vows to return and take his revenge.
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