Comedy Central Presents

Demetri Martin: I noticed that there are no b-batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?!?' 'B-batteries!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

Demetri Martin: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin: I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana ... keep going. Bananana ... damn.'

Demetri Martin: When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.

Demetri Martin: 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'

Demetri Martin: I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool' is all about leather sleeves. (flips sketch pad to cue card that says "I own leather sleeves")

Demetri Martin: I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Demetri Martin: I see cards that say 'Get Well Soon.' **** that. Get well now.

Demetri: You always hear about the guy raised by wolves, what about the next generation?

Demetri: A lollipop is hard candy plus garbage.

Demetri: I am less nuturing than a desert. Paper on Easel: Ladies, that's not true.