Comedy Central Presents

Greg Proops: I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

Greg Proops: My feeling is, the Pilgrims were asked to leave England. England was never funner than when the Pilgrims split, right? The people of England got a little tired of these dour, right-winged conservative psycho-Christians wearing all black, bumming people out, confusing everyone by wearing buckles on... their heads. "Is that tight enough for you, Cotton?" "Yea, verily."

Greg Proops: I would never advocate the use of dope because I'm not a professional athlete, and I don't have access to the good stuff.

Greg Proops: And the English, who are warm and cuddly by nature -- Thank you, look for the sarcasm, I think you'll find it contained in every joke.

Greg Proops: I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

Greg Proops: In L.A., you've always got to look for intelligent thought, because it's never going to just come at ya.

Greg Proops: Animals have two vital functions in today's society: To be delicious, and to fit well.