Comedy Central Presents

Stephen Lynch (singing "Taxi Driver"): I flagged him down at the corner And he picked me up at the light I told him where I was going And we drove off into the night "How's it going my friend?" I asked him Slowly he turned his head The taxi driver looked at me And this is what he said He said... [foreign-sounding gibberish]

Stephen Lynch (singing "Lullaby"): Hush, little girl Sweet baby don't cry, tonight Daddy is here and he'll sing you a soft lullaby, tonight Why can't it all be like it was before How can I explain why mommy's not here anymore 'Cause daddy likes porno and $10 whores Daddy gets wasted and robs liquor stores Daddy likes rubbing against little boys on the bus I think that's why your mommy left us, Mommy left us Hush, little girl There is no reason to fret, tonight Don't mind the smoke, Daddy just wants to forget, tonight Soon it will all be like it was before Any minute, she will walk through that front door But daddy plays poker and drinks lots of beer Then he wants sex that involves mommy's rear Daddy has sores on his naughty parts oozing with pus I think that's why your mommy left us Please don't cry I swear I'll try To be here by your side Right after daddy gets home from the bar, visits his bookie, And steals a new car He'll drive to the strip club And if daddy plays his cards right He'll bring home your new mommy tonight

Stephen Lynch (singing Hermaphrodite): She's part girl, she's part boy She's got parts everyone can enjoy She's got more, she's got less She's got her man hood tucked in her dress Is she a mister or is she a miss? Does she stand up when shes taking a piss? She's my little girl, yeah, she's my little guy When I try to please her I get poked in the eye She wears lace and she wears flannel She watched football and the Lifetime Channel What's that buldge under her nightie? It must be hermaphrodite, yeah, hermaphrodite Some things are white Some things black Some girls wear makeup Mine shaves her back She is still beautiful, she is still fine It's too bad her package is bigger than mine She can't help her imperfections She gets jock itch from her yeast infections Who stole all my tighty whities? It must be hermaphrodite, yeah

Stephen Lynch (singing "Superhero"): If I could be a superhero I would be awesome man I'd fly around the world fighting crime According to my awesome plan And if I saw criminals trying to lie Hurting other people and making them cry I'd haul them off to jail in my awesome van 'Cause I would be awesome man Now, Some criminals want you to be a criminal And they offer you things like drugs, alcohol But we know what to do, kids We just say 'No' If I could be a superhero I would be Drug-Free boy Telling the world of the evils of drugs And all of the lives they destroy Well I would take all the junk He's getting so high With their needles and bongs And their sticks of tye As I burn them alive I would squeal with joy Because I would be drug-free boy If I could be a superhero I'd be Immigration dude I'd send all the foreigners back to their homes For eating up all of our food And taking our welfare and best jobs to boot Like landscaping, dishwashing, picking our fruit I'd pass a lot of laws to get rid of their food 'Cause I'd be Immigration Dude Kids, You can make up your very own superhero If you could, Who would it be? If I a superhero Would you be justice guy Making sure people get what they deserve Especially women who lie Like if a wife left her husband With three kids and no job To run off to Hawaii With some doctor named bob You can skin them and drain them of blood so they die Especially bob Then you would be justice guy Or you could be more sutle No, I didn't mean to be vague Give her the mad cow disease Let him die of the plague As long as they suffer for their terrible lies Especially Bob Then You would be Justice Guy Yes then you would be a super hero like me