Pierce: Jeffrey, when I was born, I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, both arms, and one of my ankles. Mom said there came a point when the doctor stopped delivering me and just started laughing. I mean, if I ever let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't be here. That thing some men call 'failure,' I call 'living.' 'Breakfast.' And I'm not leaving until I've cleaned out the buffet. Now, how about a shove? (Climbs into boat)
Jeff: (Pushes Pierce and boat out of door) Good luck, Pierce.
Pierce: (Rolling away) Don't need it. Never had it.
Troy: Oh. My. God. Pierce is going to be the only person ever to drown in a parking lot. (Laughing) Twice!
(After letting Pierce "drown" in the parking lot)
Troy: What in God's name have we done?!
Shirley: Britta weighs five pounds, Troy can't swim and I've never even seen the ocean!
Troy: Uh, I can swim, racist.
Pierce: Now I know what the 'c' in captain stands for!
Troy: I hope I get multiple personalities. I get lonely in long showers.
Britta: Who even cares if he is pretending to be a beginner?
Jeff: Pottery cares! Integrity cares! I don't care. I just care that he cares. It's lame that he cares!
Jeff: Nobody gets out of Santa Fe without learning how to make a pot! 45% Hispanic, 5th highest Native American population. They eat and breathe clay there.
Jeff: Guess where Rich is from.
Britta: Couldn't have been Crazytown. You would have gone to high school together.
Jeff: Have you taken many pottery classes?
Rich: No, this is my first.
Jeff: Of the year?
Jeff: No pottery in doctor school?
Rich: Medical School.
Jeff: Pottery School.
Rich: Pottery School?
Jeff: Oh! Pottery School! How long?
(Jeff just found out Rich is a doctor)
Rich: (About Jeff's finger) Well the good news is, this is neither sprained nor broken.
Jeff: Oh. Thank God. But I'll have to get a second opinion from a guy in my basket-weaving class.
Annie: Rich just showed me how to make a flared lip on my pot, and check for breast lumps!
(Pierce's hat falls off)
Admiral Slaughter: That hat's gone. Lost at sea.
Troy: I might be able to reach it! It landed on that Hyundai! I mean mermaid's...car.
Admiral Slaughter: I don't see students here, I see sea-men. I didn't create them. From the moment you climbed aboard, I saw sea-men inside of you. More importantly, you've stopped giggling at word "sea-men". That's the mark of a real sea man.
Senor Chang: (Walks in shirt-less) Yes, I was robbed at the YMCA. Again.
Jeff: I mean if I were to ever make an effort in that class, you'd think I was the cat's pajamas too.
Pierce: Cat's pajamas? (chuckles) Okay, Pierce.
Shirley: I've never been a captain before!
Pierce: I have! Commanded a jet-ski through an electrical storm. Only had one casualty.
Troy: Jet-skis only hold two people.
Pierce: Exactly. Saved half of my crew.
Jeff: Hey guys, look at what I made: (holds up slab of clay) participation badge!
Abed: Jeff's competitive side had come out before. He had even displayed envy. And on that first pottery class he discovered tha-
Jeff: What did we discuss?
Abed: No voice-overs, I'm sorry.
Pottery Teacher: If you so much as hum three notes from that Righteous Brother's song, with God as my witness I will come at you...with everything I've got.
Pottery Teacher: Now there is only one rule in this class. I will tolerate no reenacting, whether it is ironic or sincere, of the Patrick Swayze - Demi Moore pottery scene from Ghost. Ever since that movie was released in 1990, I've seen every conceivable variation of what I call: "Ghost-ing". Guy on girl.. girl on guy.. the hilarious guy on guy..
Pierce: How about you, Abed? Wanna sail with us? There's black people!
Troy: A black person on a sail boat? I gotta see this. I'm in.
Shirley: I was going to take a class on how to put together an online dating profile, but I think sailing in the parking lot is less pathetic.
Abed: But the nearest body of water is two and a half hours away.
Pierce: Leagues, Abed. We don't measure water by hours.
Jeff: This class is like a red head that drinks scotch and loves Die Hard. I suggest you all get her number.
Tony Hale ("Professor Holly") also worked with:
-Joel McHale ("Jeff") in the 2009 movie The Informant!.
-Ken Jeong ("Señor Chang") also worked together in the 2009 movie The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard.
-Chevy Chase ("Pierce") in a few season 2 episodes of Chuck .
Original International Air Dates:
Canada: March 18, 2010 on Citytv,
Latin America: June 10, 2010 on Sony Entertainment Television (a.k.a. Canal Sony),
Sweden: November 1, 2010 on TV6,
Czech Republic: January 10, 2013 on SMICHOV,