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Senor Chang: Greetings, you little snots! (maniacally laughs) Girl: You're not drugs. Senor Chang: Oh, but I am! Disappointed? Did you expect me to stay the same forever? 'Cause that's not what drugs does, baby. I'm gonna deep-fry your dog and eat your momma's face. And I'm gonna wear your little brother's skin like pajamas! I control your lives and there is nothing you can do!

Dean Pelton: Here's the situation. We've got 50 at-risk preteens armed with baseballs, chanting for drugs, who just spent intermission eating nothing but Charleston Chews, thank God. Hope you can top act one is all I'm saying!!

Abed: Bzzz! Getting rid of drugs was a great i-bee-a. Troy: I'm flying higher than I ever have thanks to not drugs

(During the play's funeral scene) Dean Pelton: Well that answers my question. Jeff Winger is sexy even in a coffin. Mmm!

Jeff: Abed, we screwed up. You know that text we sent? It was to Britta's nephew. He sent her an emoti-penis. What are we going to do? (Abed just stares at Jeff) Jeff: Fine. Screw you, Abed. I can fix this. (Writing the text) Marcus, I made a mistake. I texted the wrong person last night. (reading the response) 'You called me by name. It wasn't a mistake. Don't be afraid.' (Jeff looks at Abed and Abed just stares at him again) Jeff: Screw you, Abed.

Pierce: There's a rapist in the hallway. Annie: That's my landlord. And if he wanted to rape you, you'd be raped.

Abed: Annie, question. Is Pierce Marijuana? And does Marijuana help people work faster? I thought it made them just custom-paint their vans and solve mysteries.