Community Season 1 Episode 9

Jeff: My competitor likened people to pure fallen snow, I would respond "There is none righteous. No, not one." Now I realize Mr. Simmon's quote was from the great Franz Vickmeyer. Mine was just from a simple desert handy man...named Jesus.
Shirley: (From the audience) Ohh that's nice!!

(Watching one of Abed's films)
Shirley: I'm sorry.. is that me being chased down by a werewolf?
Abed: Yeah. And that's how you'd behave in that situation though.
Shirley: The situation being...me...being chased down.. by a werewolf?

Troy: I liked you better when you were smoking!
Britta: I am so sorry!
Troy: No! You're right. My feet are long and stupid. (Crying) You can't un-ring that bell.

Annie: Maybe Simmons is right! You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried.
Jeff: What do you mean I can't beat him? You and I are going to study harder than we've ever studied before and beat City College tomorrow!
Annie: Really?!
Jeff: No! Who am I?! iCarly?

Shirley: (To Abed) You tell me my future now, you evil wizard!!

(Watching one of Abed's films)
Troy: Why am I crying? Would I accidentally listen to "Come Sail Away" by Styx again?!

Abed: I know what you're going to say. You watched my movies online.
Shirley: He's a witch!
Troy: Get him!!

Dean Pelton: So, what's it going to take? A plum parking space, free meals, a.. uh, night of companionship...if you know what I mean.
Jeff: I'll do it for the parking space. And if you promise not to tell me what you mean.

Dean Pelton: Oh Mr. Winger, did you happen to hear my announcement?
Jeff: I hang on every word.
Dean Pelton: I'm going to assume that's sarcasm.
Jeff: Correct.
Dean Pelton: So you didn't hear my announcement?
Jeff: I'm barely listening now.

Pierce: Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? I know a dynamite hypnotherapist.
Jeff: Ten to one says it's him.
Pierce: His name is Pierce Hawthorne, and I am very affective.

Jeff: Britta's trying to give up cigarettes.
Britta: Don't tell them my business! I will slap that smug look right off your pointy face!
Jeff: Britta, I'm saying this because I care about you and you are my friend..You need to start smoking again.

Professor Whitman: Jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you an opportunity to spend the night drinking from the cup of life rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the E! channel.

Dean Pelton: Greendale needs a win. The best compliment our sports program gets is that our basketball team is really gay.

Professor Whitman: (to Jeff) A little trick for achieving the proper competitive mindset -- I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex with my mother.

(Shirley grabs newspaper from Abed)
Abed: That's my newspaper.
Shirley: What do you need the paper for? You knew what was going to happen yesterday, you Middle Eastern magic 8-ball!

Annie: What's wrong?
Jeff: There's this weird pain right above my eyebrow.
Annie: It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Pierce: (during Britta's hypnosis) While you're under so deep, you'll find yourself attracted to... slightly older men. Perhaps some barrel-chested stud with just enough tummy to love. You want to buy him dinner then go back to his hot tub. Perhaps you'll invite one of your friends to join us for a three-way. Maybe someone with low self-esteem and slightly larger breasts.