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Shirley: Isn't Abed's dad a hardcore Muslim? They're not as understanding as Christians, you could get your head cut off with a salami sword. Annie: Shirley! That's the most racist thing I've ever heard. Shirley: Was I racist? Jeff: Pierce will beat that in one minute.

Professor Whitman: Death, so-called, is a thing that makes men weep. And yet, a third of life is spent in sleep.

Abed: I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs. Troy: You should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!

Professor Whitman: Only when we stop stopping our lives can we begin to start starting them.

Professor Whitman: (to Jeff) If you don't genuinely seize the day before the end of the week, then you will be seizing an F for the semester.

Britta: Hey, how's it going? How's your film class, buddy? Abed: (pointing the camera at Britta) It's cool. Our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies but with ugly people.

Abed's Dad: (to Britta) I love women, but I'm getting a major B-word vibe from you.

Britta: Raising [Abed] means letting him follow his dreams. Abed's Dad: Dreams are for sleeping. Britta: You don't know that! Abed's Dad: It's clinically-proven! Britta: So is polio! Abed's Dad: You lost me!

Abed: I have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father. Jeff: I don't want to be your father. Abed: Perfect. You already know your lines.

Professor Whitman: What do you mean, Jeff? What does your life mean? How long does it take you in the morning to-- to make it look like you have bed head? How many sweat-pants-sport-jacket combos did you try before you found the one that said 'I don't care'? Seize the day, Jeff, for real. Go running naked in a hailstorm, kiss a girl in the middle of the day, fly a kite, but do it for yourself. Or you won't just fail my class. You'll fail life.

(Troy sneezes in a high-pitched tone) Jeff: Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl! Troy: And how about I pound you like a boy? Oh, that didn't come out right.