Community Season 1 Episode 2

Britta: Hey Abed, real stories -- they don't have spoilers. You understand that TV and life are different, right?

Britta: Look, Jeff, you're harmless enough to me because a life full of ups and downs has given me douche-ray vision.

Britta: You're cute, but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near-delusion. (walks away)
Jeff: She said I was cute.

Annie: You're like Jodie Foster or Susan Sarandon. You'd rather keep it real than be likable.

Pierce: I'm not sterile. In fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently, my sperm shoots through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't, but you can, so that's fine.

Pierce: (raises a glass) To the empowerage of words.
Jeff: (raises his glass) To the irony of that sentence.

Annie: You can hang the Checata Panecos' piñata.
Britta: You guys realize he was beaten to death, right?
Shirley: That's where we got the idea from.
Annie: Poignant.

Jeff: This is a fine enough way to spend an evening devoid of hope, but the woman I kind of like is out there in the moonlight caring about something stupid. And this is my chance to show her that I care enough to act like I care about it too.

Britta: I think I was a little too harsh on you. I'm not perfect.
Jeff: I am. I'd be happy to show you the ropes.