Corner Gas

(Hank offers to sell Oscar his laptop) Oscar: I could use a solitaire machine. How much do you want for it? Hank: Oh, 50 bucks? Oscar: Maybe I will buy it. It would save me on having to buy new decks of cards. Emma: Well, that should pay for itself in about 110 years. And here I thought you wanted it for a stupid reason.

Oscar: What the hell is this? Brent: It's a self-serve option I'm offering. Oscar: You're a jackass! Brent: What's wrong with self-service? Oscar: I don't have to talk to you, and I pay less? (laughs) It's perfect. Brent: So then why am I a jackass? Oscar: I don't know. You get it from your mother. Now stop talking to me, I'm doing self-serve, Jackass!

Hank: Karen said you were arrested for arson. Emma: That's not true. Oscar: It explains a lot!

Emma: Oh, hey, Hank, have you heard any rumours about me or Karen? Hank: Yeah, I heard Karen rescued a puppy. Wanda: There you go! Emma: Just Karen? Hank: She rescued it from you; you were going to set it on fire. Karen: And I rescued it, so all good! Hank: Then they gave the puppy an IQ test, it scored higher than Karen.

Lacey: Wanda! You snuck up on me there! Wanda: Is that what Karen and Emma are saying? They're saying I'm sneaky, is that it? Lacey: No, they didn't say anything... except for they really like the buffet. Wanda: Is that all they said? Or did they say anything about me getting caught cheating in college, or that Hank and I have a love-child, or anything like that? Lacey: No, that never came up. (pause) Hank's not the father of your son, right? Wanda: (disgusted) Ew!