Corner Gas

Emma: Terry wants my help digging a well. Brent: Oh, I didn't know you could run an auger. Emma: I can't. Well, I know it sounds strange, but I can find water. Brent: That doesn't sound so strange. So can I... (points at the cooler full of bottled water) See?

(pointing out a sign that says "Bernie's House is for Sale") Lacey: You know you live in a small town when people don't even write their phone numbers on the board. Davis: Well, you don't want to overwhelm the buyers with details.

Oscar: What makes you think you can make any money? Hank: Well, there's this old saying: 'Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to feed a fish, and 'round 'round we go.'

Karen: So... what's new? Brent: Nothing much. Oh, my mom's a witch. Karen: Oh, I know; the other day she just about bit my head off. Brent: No, I said 'witch'. A water witch. She can find water using sticks.

Wanda: (to Lacey) It's a great house, but I should tell you, there's another offer on it. Now, personally, I would rather see you in it than them. Davis: You said the same thing to me fifteen minutes ago! Wanda: I told you to wait in the car!

Oscar: What are you doing? Hank: Hanging out at Corner Gum. Oscar: We're not going to make money standing around, reading comics! Hank: Works for Brent.

Oscar: (to Karen) How would you like to show the kids how to blow bubbles at Corner Gum? Hank: Yeah, but nothing fancy, just a good, old-fashioned bubble. Don't be making poodles, or giraffes or anything.

Brent: How about you, Miss? Do you need any water found today? Jennifer: Oh, no thanks Emma: That's you on the make? No wonder I have no grandchildren.

Emma: (about Brent) I think it's kind of spooky, isn't it? He's like a man-witch. Hank: Is that like a Sloppy Joe? Brent: Oh, I could go for one of those! Emma: Maybe not a man-witch, more like a warlock. Hank: Warlock? You mean like Harry Potter? That's awesome! Emma: Brent's the son of a witch! Hank: That means you're a witch. Brent: She's a witch! (everyone looks)

Wanda: Congratulations, you two! Here are the keys to your new house. Oh, and, here's my card; I hope you'll consider me when you re-sell it. Lacey: This is a reminder for a dental appointment. Wanda: Well, it's got my number on it.

Lacey: You've just got the post-purchase jitters. Davis: Yeah, I guess all couples go through this. Lacey: We're not a couple. But yes, and this house is great! Good roof, new plumbing, great kitchen... okay? Davis: Yeah, you're right, this is kind of a charming little place. Lacey: Oh, yeah, we're going to flip this piece of crap so fast.

Karen: So that's all I am? A pretty face? Hank: No. You're a pretty face behind a big bubble.

Hank: We're making a killing! At this rate, you can retire tomorrow! Oscar: I am retired, you idiot! Hank: Yeah, well, how would you like to retire again?

(making fun of Brent) Wanda: Ooooh! Jennifer! Brent has a crush on Jennifer! (seriously) Is she in the market for a new house? Brent: Jeez, you gotta let that go. You're not even a real estate agent. Not a real real estate agent. You're like a fake estate agent.

Davis: Imagining our kids... playing in the yard... Lacey: Our kids? Davis: Oh, I'm not saying our kids. I'm saying the kids that you're going to have, and the kids that I'm going to have... separately. Lacey: Okay, Davis, we need to talk. Davis: Oh, don't tell me you're not having kids! Who are my kids going to play with? Lacey: We are not having kids, okay? I mean, maybe someday I might, if I meet Mr. Right, or even just a nice, stable guy... My point is, we are not doing anything in this house, we are flipping this house, you got it?

Woman: You should be ashamed of your gum. Karen: But my gum is fine! Hank: Yeah, sure... if you like hurting puppies. Karen: That's not true! I like puppies! Hank: You hear that? She likes eating puppies! (the children gasp) Karen: This is slander. Oscar: Whatever... bunny-kicker.

House Buying Husband: Is the basement finished? Wanda: With a little work, make a great rec room. Davis: Yeah, you could barely tell that anything horrific happened down there. (buyers look startled) Oh, don't worry, it was a long time ago. And as far as violent crimes go, you can hardly see the stains. Wanda: (laughing nervously) He's a real kidder... and a pathological liar. Anyways, you know what is a crime? The size of the bedroom closets!

Lacey: She wouldn't know Spanish gold if a Spaniard walked up to her, handed her some saying 'Here, have some gold.' Wanda: All right, listen up, you psychos! Get it together, or get yourself another real estate agent. Lacey: You mean a ~real~ real estate agent? Wanda: Hey, I'm as real as it gets without actually having any credentials.

(about Oscar's new gum machines at the Foo Mart) Karen: Well, you can't beat the prices. Some of this stuff's only ten cents. Hank: (putting a gum ball in his mouth) Yeah, but the gum tastes lousy. Oscar: That was a rubber ball, Jackass. Hank: Score!