Wayne: I know you fancy yourself the queen of mean around these parts, but Wayne Gibbons is not around of some unemployed, suburban housebrow who dresses like Diane Keaton's much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much older sister.
Ellie: Is it my turn?
Andy: Yeah it is! (To Wayne) She texted me. She knows it turns me on when she crushes people.
Ellie: That's a nice tough guy act, but I see through you, Wayne. I see all the way through to that little boy with glasses who sat in the corner and wondered why he couldn't find one friend to build model airplanes with him. (Whispers) I know you're in there, nerd. So if you ever say mean things about Jules again, I will come across that bar take your (Outside is shown) and I will stomp all over your grapes. Do you understand, Wayne?
Wayne: Yes, ma'am.
Ellie: Good. Andy, you wanna take me home now?
Andy: You kidding? (To Wayne) Thank you!
Grayson: So you're mad at her for not being mad at you for saying mean things about her? That right there is girl friendships.
Jules: And that right there is a stupid face!
Travis: Only two hours until my romantic weekend and we've still got nothing.
Bobby: You reconsider my two-person tattoo idea?
Andy: Here's what it would look like if you get it. (Shows he has "PA" written on his forearm and Bobby has "LS" written on his) If we get drunk later, we're making this permanent.
Travis: Yeah, I think I'll save that one for when I'm dating a dude. In prison.
Bobby: He [Travis] is leaning on you for this stuff like you're his dad all of a sudden.
Grayson: He came to me. What the hell was I supposed to do?
Bobby: See that's why I'm a better friend than you. I always put myself in my buddies' shoes. If I was dating the ex-wife of a good friend of mine and their son came to me I would damn well realize that you and by you, I mean me were stepping on your, my toes. Not your your my, toes, but I mean the foot version of us.
Grayson: (Bewildered) Right, that makes sense.
Wayne: See that woman? With that overbite, she could eat an apple through a chain-link fence.
Ellie: Apple? They probably put up that fence to keep her out of the cupcake store.
Ellie: Soul mates!
Wayne: Soul mates! (They clink)
Laurie: (Waking Jules up) And, dead! I walk out of here the way I came in, the police pit it on Grayson, he sells his pub to me to make bail and we finally get some good nachos in this town. What!
Jules: Good morning Laurie.
Laurie: Come downstairs, you can catch up to me over coffee. I'm two pots ahead! Tag! You're it! (Runs downstairs)
Jules: Oh, God. (To Grayson) Are you awake? Will you come with me?
Grayson: (Sleepily) I love you.
Jules: Okay, stay asleep. (Goes downstairs; Grayson pops up in bed)
Grayson: My nachos are great! I use three kinds of cheese! What, what!
Jules: We agree never to go back to that jerk's wine bar again?
Ellie: Our two-person boycott will bring him to his knees.
Jules: I always fixate on the future. I'm "Future Gal."
Grayson: I'm "Now Guy."
Jules: Oh, no. We're mortal enemies.
Grayson: I'm feeling good about Jason. (Jules looks confused) That's half Jules and half Grayson. I combined our names the way they do with the celebrity couples.
Jules: Jason sucks. It's a real name. What about "Grules?"
Grayson: That sounds like something orphans eat. "Please sir, may I have some more grules?"
Jules: No, you get back in your spaceship!
Jules: I don't know what we're doing.
Grayson: Guys are more loyal to their friends.
Jules: Guys only have beer, pizza and sports to hold them together. "Hey, let's pee on this thing and then wrestle!"
Grayson: At least we don't drop our friends at the drop of a hat.
Laurie: I actually did drop a friend for dropping my favorite hat in a puddle. Have a nice life, Nezzie!
Andy: Okay, I put together a photo album of people we're no longer friends with and I wanna know why.
Ellie: Okay. (Looking at the pictures) Missed my birthday party, talked behind my back, oh too happy all the time, said our house was quaint, named her daughter Chesapeake, too old for hair that long, always tried to hug me, calls her husband Hurricane Frank. Vegan, vegan, vegan - they're all friends. Doesn't like Howard Stern, thought it would be funny to squirt me with a hose, husband is a tool, ran a marathon, doesn't drink, oh and the last one is easy because it's your mom.
International Episode Titles:
Czech Republic: Něco o tobě (Something about You)
After the opening scenes, the title says Starting to Own It: Cougar Town.
Original International Air Dates:
Canada: January 12, 2011 on Citytv
Sweden: March 15, 2011 on Kanal 5
United Kingdom: April 19, 2011 on Sky LIVING/Sky LIVING HD
Norway: November 8, 2011 on TVNorge
Czech Republic: December 2, 2011 on ČT1
Finland: July 17, 2012 on MTV3
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