Cougar Town

Jules: Look, I know you and I had a bit of an awkward moment last night- (Travis snorts) Yes, awkward moment! That's what I'm calling it! Still, there is never an excuse for violence!
Travis: Junior high kids are stealing your signs? Do you know why? Because they're using them to pleasure themselves!
Jules: (Happily) Really? (More serious) I mean, really?
Travis: Why can't you just be a normal mom and stop torturing me?! (Goes inside)
Jules: I'm allowed to have a life, Travis!
Grayson: Hey! Don't worry about it. He'll be fine. I mean don't get me wrong, thanks to you that kid is gonna have some issues. Big ones. (Starts laughing until Jules pushes him to the ground) Who pushes people?!
Travis: (Yelling from the upstairs window) Never an excuse for violence, Mom!
Jules: Get back in the damn house!

Jules: Hey Grayson, you know what drive me nuts? Grayson: Is it people who start conversations without saying hello? Jules: No. Grayson. Is it annoying neighbors? Jules: No.

Jules: (to Laurie) You have a giant hickey on your chest and I can tell it's Dale's, because whoever did it has a tooth missing!

Jules: I'm guessing the boy I flashed goes to your school. Travis: Yes he does. Jules: Is he single? ... Kidding! Why don't you ever laugh at my jokes? Travis: Because they make me sad.

Jules: You can't wear fake nails on just one hand, it makes you look like a crazy whore. Laurie: I only had four left and this is the hand I smoke with.

Jules: Can I get you a snack? That's what I do for my son's friends; I get them snacks. Do you like crackers with peanut butter?

Josh: What's that scar from? Jules: I got knifed as a kid. Josh: Really? Jules: No, that's from my c-section!

Jules: You see that young gentleman there, I'd love to lick his body Woman: That's my son Jules: Ooh, he looks smart.

Jules: When a 40-something guy gets divorced, it's always, Way to go, Tiger! Grayson: We don't call each other Tiger. It's always Champ, or Samurai.

Jules: Man, you are hot as balls!

Grayson: What really drives you nuts is that you couldn't bag a stud if you tried. Jules: Hey kid, Pow!!! (Jules flashes her underwear to a boy passing in a bicycle and he crashes into a parked car infront of him)

Jules: All the single guys our age are either broken, gay or chasing younger girls.