Season 1 Episode 2

Size Matters

Aired Unknown May 19, 2000 on BBC Three
out of 10
User Rating
106 votes

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Episode Summary

Susan and Steve prepare to go on their first date (or at least, their first date without their friends gatecrashing.) Susan suggests that she'll cook, sparking debate as to whether that means she's inviting Steve to have sex too. Susan tells Sally - and Steve - that Patrick is particularly well-endowed. This leaves Sally with a tricky dilemma: she's always sworn never to have sex with a Tory, but Patrick is a very big boy... Meanwhile, Steve is increasingly intimidated by Patrick's huge reputation, until Susan finally puts him at ease.moreless

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  • Steve and Susan's first date. Alone.

    Steve and Susan arrange to go on another date, this time without the others. This is done predominantly via Steve making a phone call to Susan, during which he can't think of anything to say. Susan suggests that she will cook for Steve, which Jeff and Patrick both claim is a sign that sex will follow. This prompts Jeff to explain the mysteries of the "Sock Gap" to Steve. Meanwhile, Sally has to reconcile her desire to have sex with Patrick (who Susan assures her is very big indeed) with the fact that he's a Tory. Patrick's reputation also plays on Steve's mind.moreless
  • "I have forgotten in one moment of embarrassment, the ENTIRE english language..." Puppies in a car, package size and the sock gap.

    Jeff-isms are coming thick and fast now! The Sock Gap is when you're undressing for sex, and are you all ready for the act, or are you a naked person wearing socks?

    Susan's invited Steve over for dinner, and the guys and the girls are asking the question: Is it dinner, or is it dinner and sex?

    Steve's a little nervous, either way. First he keeps 'pausing' when on the phone to Susan, then the boys tell him to 'check out Susan's remote controls'. Performance anxiety, package size, the 'fish course' and whom you have sexual fantasies about. Sally takes a sudden interest in Patrick. Terrific stuff.moreless
  • Steve and Susan's first at-home date- with cooking!

    The subject of socks and nakedness, when does cooking for your date mean more than just cooking, what remotes reveal about a gal, how intermixed are politics and a good shag, and are your friends nearly as wierd as Jane?

    A hilarious discussion of phone pauses, which are likened to The Blob- and for which Patrick comes up with a brilliant metaphor!- accompanies a discussion of The Sock Gap.

    At dinner, Steve explains how women are one up on guys during a date.

    Jane goes unorthodox with her definition of homosexuality. ("Person-sexual!")

    Sally tries to throw over her political convictions for some time with Big Boy Patrick.

    A very fun episode that's highly recommended!moreless

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (3)

    • JEFFISM: The Sock Gap - The point where a man decides to remove his socks before becoming intimate. Jeff's recommendation is between shoe removal and pant removal.

    • The number of drinks consumed by the gang at the bar gradually increases from scene to scene.

    • This is the first mention of Steve's facination with Mariella Frostrup. It is also the first mention of Susan's crush on Angus Deayton.

  • QUOTES (18)

    • Howard: Jane! I am gay. And I've always, always been gay. I was the sperm at the back shouting "No! Don't send me into that big scary cave!" I was the only sperm that had to be chased by the egg. Don't you get it? I'm gay!

    • Susan: I don't want you to get unduly excited, but I'm off to cook.
      Steve: Great.
      Susan: You can come and watch. In that order.

    • Jane (about Howard): Isn't he just perfect?
      Susan: He's gorgeous!
      Jane: And tonight, he's mine...
      Steve: Jane, isn't he gay?
      Jane: Fascist!
      Steve: No! I'm just saying he goes out with men, not women, men!
      Jane: Ta-dah! I'm bisexual!

    • Susan: What happened to personality, verve and humor?
      Sally: Sod them! After all the men I've been out with, I deserve a full size one.

    • Jeff: That looked like a dumping conversation...
      Patrick: It was.
      Jeff: How did it go?
      Patrick: She took it OK...

    • Sally: Would this be a date?
      Patrick: I'm sorry?
      Sally: I'd love to go, Patrick, but strictly as your friend.
      Patrick: What do you mean, friend, exactly?
      Sally: I wouldn't be your date, I'd be your friend.
      Patrick: No... sorry, still not with you.

    • Susan: Can I just clarify? When I say dinner, I mean dinner.
      Steve: I know that. Absolutely.
      Susan: Plain ordinary cooking.
      Steve: Well, I wasn't expecting a fish course...

    • Jeff (to Steve): Whoever you normally fantasize about during sex, start calling them Susan. With you... With you is always Mariella Frostrup, right? Well, call her Susan Frostrup. That way, when you're in bed with Susan, you won't shout out the wrong name when your eyes are shut.
      Susan (who is standing behind Jeff): Or you could call her God.

    • (Susan and Sally walk into the bar and see Jeff and Steve)
      Jeff (to Steve): OK, have you thought through your foreplay yet?
      Sally (to Susan): They know about that?

    • Sally: You said what?
      Susan: I'll cook. It just came out of my mouth.
      Sally: You know what "I'll cook" says? It says "Let's have sex".
      Susan: No, that would be "Come and spend the night with me".
      Sally: "Come and spend the night with me" says "Let's have sex". "I'll cook" says "Let's have sex and I'll cater".

    • Steve: Look, I was just wondering, would you like to meet up some time? Or alternatively I could never phone you again and emigrate.
      Susan: How about tomorrow night?
      Steve: Great.
      Susan: I suggest New Zealand.

    • (on the phone)
      Steve: You couldn't hear me talking, could you?
      Susan: I could hear you breathing.
      Steve: That wasn't me.
      Susan: It wasn't you?
      Steve: No, no. Maybe there's someone behind you.

    • Sally: Susan, you are offering this man food and sex in the same place. If there's something to read in the loo he may never leave.

    • Sally (talking about Patrick): At least now I know why you called him donkey brain.
      Susan: Actually, I called him donkey!
      Sally: Yeah, but I got the point.
      Susan: No. You didn't.
      Sally: What?! You mean.... You mean...
      Susan: Some men are born lucky. Some men are born very lucky.
      Sally: What was Patrick born?
      Susan: A tripod!

    • Jane: Howard, do you want gay men to be labeled?
      Howard: Yes, that would be fantastic.

    • Jane: Friendship is more lasting than love and more legal than stalking.

    • Sally: What do you call people you go out with but you don't try to sleep with?
      Patrick: Men.

    • Jeff: I mean, where exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to get them off right after your shoes, and before your trousers. That's the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman will ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.

  • NOTES (2)

    • The first appearance of Mariella Frostrup who will appear one more time in season 3 premiere.

    • Basis of the AmeriCoupling episode of the same title, with all the political dialog changed using American political figures as opposed to Thatcher and Blair.


    • Jeff: Yeah, like in The Blob.

      The Blob is an independently made American horror/science-fiction film from 1958 depicting a giant amoeba-like alien that terrorizes the small community of Downingtown, Pennsylvania.

    • Jeff tells Steve to check all of Susan's remotes for batteries, implying that the batteries are used for other kinds of entertainment and enjoyment. Steve's nightmarish daydream also illustrates what the lads think the batteries might be used for.

    • Patrick: (acts scared) You're oppressing me.

      Patrick's delivery of the line is like in the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail in which a peasant says the same thing.

    • Sally: You like Portillo?
      Patrick: I nearly cried when he lost his seat.

      This is a reference to the British conservative politician Michael Portillo whose loss of his seat in the 1997 general election came as a surprise to many politicians and commentators.

    • Jeff: Many men have fallen through the sock gap, Patrick. (Jeff makes like he is using "The Force" by closing his hand in a choking fashion like Darth Vader did. Patrick begins to swallow hard). Under the sexual arena of Earthly delight, there is a deadly pit of socks. (Jeff relaxes his hand, Patrick relaxes).

    • Patrick and Howard mock Sally's political party by calling it The Evil Empire, humming a Star Wars theme, and Patrick mimics Darth Vader to tease Sally some more.