Criminal Minds

Father Marks: God is inside of all of us.
Floyd Feylinn Ferell: (grinning demonically) So is Tracey Lambert.

Father Marks: So how long has it been, Agent Morgan?
Morgan: I'm sorry?
Father Marks: Since you've been in God's house. Priests and dentists can spot an overdue customer a mile away, so how long has it been?
Morgan: I didn't come here to talk about myself.
Father Marks: Occupational hazard. My apologies.

JJ: Everything below the waist had been eaten.
Rossi: Ah, the circle of life.
Prentiss: Suddenly I don't feel so guilty about my alligator wallet.

Rossi: ...I was just giving you a chance for personal growth.
Morgan: I get you, Dave. You're not a mystery to me, man. They said you couldn't interview serial killers. You did. They said you couldn't put together a profiling team. You did. They said there was no way in hell you would ever come back here. You did. It's in your nature, Rossi. It's who you are.
Rossi: Well, if you knew all that, why would you tell me you didn't want to talk to the priest?
Morgan: I was giving you an opportunity for personal growth.

Morgan: What?
Prentiss: When a woman tells a man about her feelings, she doesn't want him to fix her. She wants him to shut up and listen.

Morgan: Good morning, Princess.
Garcia: Good morning.
Morgan: Pump… your brakes. Every day I say "good morning." Every day you say, "I'll show you a good morning, Hot Stuff." Every day. Not today?
Garcia: I hate profilers. Do you know that?

Colby: Uh, um… James… James Baylor. My friends call me Colby.
Garcia: Penelope. Garcia. My friends call me wonderful. Or Garcia.

JJ: So killer satanic cults don't exist, but satanic serial killers do?
Rossi: "Lasciate ogni speranza, ch'intrate."
JJ: Well, thanks for clearing that up.
Reid: It's from Dante's Inferno. "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here."

Garcia: Ah, that guy from the coffee shop asked me out, and I took your advice and I blew him off.
Morgan: Oh, um, well good, smart move! Something was definitely wrong with him.
Garcia: (sarcastically) Wow, you are some profiler. You could tell how wrong he was from what little I told you.
Morgan: Garcia, I didn't mean…
Garcia: I wonder, was it that he was too handsome or too interested in me that tipped you off on how wrong he was?
Morgan: Garcia…
Garcia: Just because you wouldn't cross a crowded room to hit on me does not mean that a more perceptive, less superficial guy wouldn't. Hey, Derek, you want snappy? You suck!