will be making changes to the Private Message system the week of Jan 26, 2015. For more information click here

A Crossbones Community
NBC (ended 2014)

Crossbones S01E03: "The Man Who Killed Blackbeard"

One thing’s for sure: Edward Teach certainly does NOT want Santa Compana to be discovered. As "The Man Who Killed Blackbeard" taught us, Teach would rather murder every last one of the island inhabitants than risk having the land he calls home subjected to so-called modern governance. Sometimes even I, shrewd-minded as a fox, have found myself drawn in by Teach’s promises of freedom and fun in the sun and prostitutes as far as the eye can see. However in my weaker moments, all this sounds like the kind of lofty vow a middle school kid would make during a campaign for class presidency: "...and the water fountains shall dispense naught but soda, and ye olde homework shall be ABOLISHED!" Ladies and gentlemen: This. Is. Crossbones.

So here’s what you need to know: Fletch has not been ejected from this watery gravy train. IMDB was wrong... dead wrong. I am boycotting that site now and I invite you all to join me. Fletch was actually alive and well in this episode, joining in the chaotic evacuation that befell Santa Compana once Kate got kidnapped. Yes my people, Kate the quarter master/Lowe-kisser went off to a place called Adderlay Cay to sell precious gems to a sleazebag man of the cloth named Father Daniel (Hamilton Clancy—or CO Kowalski for you OITNB fans). Father Daniel was a father in two senses: actual religious priesthood, and because he fathered thousands of children. So a very trustworthy individual. If he were alive today he’d have his own show on TLC.

Actually he was a total sandy prick because he sold Kate out to William Jagger. That’s right: HIS MAJESTY’S GOVERNOR. Jagger had planted several pieces of jewelry on the HMS Petrel in a sort of breadcrumb maneuver, and now he wanted Kate to give up her secrets. I think this is sort of related to why I never pick up Band-Aids off the city bus, but I forget why. Anyway, Jagger punched her to the floor which was totally befitting of an evil Englishman. Then after we the viewers thought this was the worst he could do, Jagger leaned in all creepy and was like, "Before we proceed, you need to understand that I know a lie as readily as I know the kiss of my own mother." Dang man. I guess he kissed his own mother a bunch? I guess he cherished his mother’s kisses? I guess he memorized his mother’s kisses and invokes this fact every once in a while to scare prisoners?

Back on the fantasy paradise that is Santa Compana, trouble was brewing like coffee (P.S. what is coffee?). A prostitute was having stomach troubles and another prostitute thought it might've been shellfish. Actually it was an upside-down baby that Lowe helped deliver. Look, sometimes you don't know you're pregnant okay? TLC had a whole show about it. Anyway, it was all to the good though, because Teach took that youngling into his linen'd arms and gazed a thousand gazes. The dread pirate king was like, "In your eyes, the light, the heat, in your eyes, I am complete." Then the baby was all...

Good one, Island Bastard Baby, you're right Teach is always being positioned as some ex-monster saint. A male bitch goddess even. On the one hand, Edward "Blackbeard" Teach has a history of shameless brutality such as flaying, but on the other, he’s a city father who only wants the best for his people and schools for the children and a dog park. Sometimes he gets terrified by ghosts with bleeding eyes just outside his balcony, while other times he gouges out priest-eyes and uses the corpse to help detonate hellburners. What I mean is, the Commodore is complicated. 

Like, we learned this episode that the happy hookers only came to Santa Compana to escape a far worse fate as king’s strumpets in India. That’s... good? Yes. But at the same time, Teach gave orders to kill Selima, for worry she’d give up his location. Same went for Kate. It took the intervention of Charles (and his muscles) and Lowe (and his puffy sea curls) to prevent both women from turning into beach ghosts.   

To Kate’s credit, she did not spill any beans whatsoever even while being buried alive. I have been buried alive more times than I can count, and contrary to popular opinion it is scary. The darkness, the dirt, the "fear-smells." Thankfully, her stint beneath the earth gave Lowe and Teach the time they needed to rig a boat to explode as a diversionary tactic. Sure! The two rescuers then partook in some first-class swashbuckling with a dab of derring-do, while back home Fletch saw a beastly manimal stalking around the shores of Santa Compana. For the record, I am pro-beastly manimals stalking around shores, but knowing my luck this abomination is probably just some regular human who has dirt on Teach or Jaggers or something. Something not cool, is what I'm saying. 

And so, as another sun set on the sleepy island nation of Santa Compana, the people and their rights were safe again. But for how long? James certainly won’t be happy to find out that his wife-by-law is cheating on him. That's the kind of news drives a man straight back to the pipe. The opium pipe. And what of the socially anxious Selima? Now she and Charles have shared carnal knowledge, have knocked the sand off each other's boots. But she visibly shuddered when Teach tickled her shoulders with his imposing touch. Then again, that could’ve just been the actress reacting to John Malkovich’s ice cold tips. Thank you and good night.   

What did you think of "The Man Who Killed Blackbeard"?

Previously Aired Episode

AIRED ON 8/2/2014

Season 1 : Episode 9