CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Hodges: Grissom! Grissom: What's our rule, Dave? Hodges: That it better be good, and this is.

Fat Guy: I mean it, man. You had me laughing my ass off. Greg: Thanks, man. If someone finds a size 54 ass, I'll have 'em put it on ice for 'ya.

Wendy: Okay. This one has a tag. Now... (hands hair follicular tag to Hodges) ... tag, you're it. Hodges: Is that what passes for DNA humor around here? Never thought I would miss Sanders.

Greg Fitzsimmons: Seriously, I love kids. Did you hug your kid today? Can I hug your kid? Can I hug your kid, sir? Angry Audience Member: You touch my kids, I'll kill you. Greg Fitzsimmons: Dude, it's a comedy show! I'm kidding. This is a joke. (the angry guy makes a gun motion with his hand at Greg) What? What was that? Oh... I see why you're so angry, that's your wife.

Greg Fitzsimmons: I would never hit my kids cause, you know, my father used to beat me. He didn't beat me too much. He beat me just right. You know, I remember the last time he really slapped me around, just getting up off the ground, thinking, "perfect." He really nailed it. Any more would have been barbaric. Any less I wouldn't be seeking the approval of you drunks. Parenting is hard and expensive. If you were to have a baby today and raise it all the way through college, it would cost you one million dollars. And that's why I feel like no woman should ever walk out of an abortion clinic with her head hung down in shame. You walk out of there like you just hit the lotto. I'm a winner.

Hodges: It's hard to believe that anybody could do something like this to such a beautiful little girl. Catherine: So, if she had been plain or homely, it'd be easy for you to accept? Hodges: No, but, maybe it's just me, when something like this happens to a kid with a face like that, it just seems a little more tragic. Catherine: Maybe that will work in our favor. (Catherine walks out) Hodges: Did I just piss her off? Grissom: Yeah, but she was heading that way when she came in.

Catherine: What are you doing here? Leo Finley: I was waiting for you. Catherine: How did you get in here? Leo Finley: Can't we talk about something interesting? Me for instance. I'm interesting. Catherine: Yeah, let's do that. Let's talk about you. Leo Finley: For starters, Norah left me. Actually, she threw my stuff out onto the street, got a restraining order on me, notified the neighbors and called my boss. 'Hey, Scumbag. Don't bother coming in, we'll mail you your last check.' So in one fell swoop, as it were, I lost my girlfriend, my livelihood and my place to live. I thought it was going to be different this time. Frankly, I blame you. Catherine: I didn't create the circumstances of your life, Leo. Leo Finley: You grind up the innocent with the guilty. Catherine: Just take it easy. I was just doing my job. Leo Finley (mockingly): I was just doing my job. Catherine: Yeah, I was just doing my job. Leo Finley: I was just doing my job. I was just following orders. Blonde Nazi bitch! You get in there with your big boots and you kick it all apart and you don't care who you hurt. Whose life you destroy in the process. Catherine: Calm down. Leo Finley: No! It's not fair. Catherine: Calm down! Leo Finley: Don't tell me to calm down! Catherine (draws her gun): Just stay back and calm down! Leo Finley: You going to shoot me? Would that help you figure out how completely you screwed my life up? Would you sleep better at night? Maybe, I should just save you the trouble and blow my own brains out. What do you think? Catherine: I think you need to talk to somebody. Leo Finley: I am talking to somebody. I'm talking to you. So how about this, if I do decide to kill myself, I'm going to come over to your house, and blow my brains out right on your front lawn. As a gift to you and everything you stand for. How does that work for you? (turns and walks away)