CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Catherine (to Ray): Well, this is what's been buggin' me, with Joey Bigelow, Jekyll took the man's bowtie, and then left him another bowtie, so to speak, inside his body. And with Bernie, Jekyll gave him another appendix. I'm just wonderin' what did he take? (walks off, Ray ponders this)

Shirley: You think I don't know what you see when you look at us? (takes a sip of her martini) Bunch of ignorant drunk crackers. Shiftless peckerwoods. Lemme tell you somethin', we built this outta nothin' with our hands, or sweat and or determination. Mayor of Vegas used to eat here. Greg: (whispers to Hodges) Alright, if I can't find a phone, I'm gonna make one. Keep an eye on her. (walks off) Shirley: We had politicians, celebrities, rubbin' up elbows with the common man. Some nights, we had eight, ten limos stacked out up front. Then Harry took off, it all went to hell. He didn't care who he hurt. (making another martini) Are you sure, that I can't fix you boys one of these? Hodges: Uh... I could use the little boy's room. Shirley: Ah, toilet is all stuffed up. There's one in the basement. But, you don't wanna use that one, believe me. There's like, a million black widow spiders down there. It's like a black widow convention is what it is. You just like puff and die. Use the bushes. (Hodges goes to leave) Henry: (grabs his arm and whispers) Whoa, whoa, what am I supposed to do? Hodges: You heard Greg, keep an eye on her. Shirley: (pours Henry some whiskey) You are gonna drink a man drink, just like that. (Henry chuckles nervously)

Henry: Maybe the racoon lept through that window ninja style, and before this guy could shoot it, it landed on him and chewed his face off. Well, I guess we should call it in, huh? Oh, that's right we have no reception!

Nick: I think we got a dead body here, boys. Henry (unenthused): Best birthday, ever.

Nick (reading the Closed Notice at Harry's): "Notice: closed by the board of health. Suspected point origin of hepatitis B outbreak. Date of closure 7/3/09." Oops. Hodges: That was five months ago. Henry: Nice, you were gonna give me hepatitis for my birthday.

Shirley: This place was a gold mine. That man, he walked away with 250,000 dollars. All I got... (hands Henry a postcard that reads 'Florida' on the front) was a postcard. Just to rub my face in it. Henry (reading the postcard): "Shirley, by the time you read this, I'll be sippin' pina coladas, on an island somewheres far away with the new love of my life who is much younger than you. Don't come lookin' for me 'cause I'm all gone. Good-bye, Harry. Shirley: Have you ever heard somethin' so mean in all your life? (sniffles) Henry: No, ma'am. Shirley: You're real cute, you know that? ... Now, What'd you say y'all come out here for again? Henry: It's my birthday! (Shirley squees happily and climbs on Henry's lap) Shirley: Why don't you come over here and give your Auntie Shirley some sugar? Henry: (laughs uncomfortably and starts to lean away) Uh, no, I can't, I'm engaged. I'm married, actually. I have syphilis! Shirley: Perfect. Me too. Henry: (muffled) Help!