CSI: NY

Hawkes: Phosphoric acid, sulfuric acid, hydrochloric acid... he couldn't have kept the keys in the English room? Danny: Which one of those do you think melted this guy's face off?

Hank Bedford: Smart enough to maintain a 3.45 GPA in the city's best prep school. Hell, I hadn't given a crap when I was actually in high school. I could have gotten on to be the successful lawyer type. Lindsay: Instead you went on to become the successful scumbag rapist type. Hank Bedford: To-MAY-To, To-MA-To... still, you have to admire the ingenuity.

Lindsay: Nice office for a guidance counsellor. What exactly are we looking for? Mac: Reasons for Mr. Gregs to start drinking. Lindsay: Harvard, Princeton, Yale, Dartmouth... this place is a machine for churning out Ivy-League students.

Adam: (imitating the thief with the gun in the pic he's analyzing) I want some Skittles, gimme a pack of menthols and them Ho-Ho's over there. Owww, I'd love me some Ho-Ho's. And I want all your money! Stella: Adam, Adam! Adam: Oh hi, I was just...

Lindsay: I think I'm gonna be sick. Mac: Is that Natalie's dress? Lindsay: Yep, she kept it in a plastic bag in the back of her closet. We collected semen samples. There were two donors, just like she said. Mac: Call the DA, get a warrant for Jessie Carver's DNA. Lindsay: We don't need to. He's already in the system. One of the donors is a guy named Frank Moore aka Wallace Carver. Mac: He's not Jessie's father. Lindsay: He's a convicted sex offender. He was released 4 years ago, never registered, he fell off the map. Mac: And the other donor is Jessie Carver. Lindsay: Except, he's not Jessie Carver. Mac: Hank Bedford. 1999: sexual assault, 2001: sexual assault... Lindsay: Check out the date of birth. Mac: March 18, 1976. Lindsay: He's 32 years old, Mac. Mac: He was posing as a 17-year-old student to prey on highschool girls.

Cptn. Gerrard: (getting worked up) What do you mean don't get worked up?! My daughter is in the box! You're telling me you have evidence that might link her to a murder! I think I have a right to be worked up! Mac: There's nothing conclusive right now inspector, we just need to ask her some questions and then we'll know where we stand.

Hawkes: Are you serious? This is peyote! Danny: Marijuana seeds, shrooms... Hawkes: Looks like someone was growing their own magic garden. Danny: Right under the faculty's nose, man. Hawkes: Sometimes too much education may be a dangerous thing...

(Hawkes is interrogating Jason and Danny is interrogating Laura, the camera shifts between the interrogatories, Jason and Laura aren't in the same room and can't hear what the other is saying.) Jason: It wasn't me, you got the wrong guy man, I'm tellin' you. Laura: It was Jason's idea. Jason: I don't even know what peyote is. Laura: He said peyote was used by Native Americans to pray and induces a dream-like drifting sensation. Jason: You think I'd be that stupid to do that in one of the classrooms? Laura: (imitating Jason) Come on, they'll never know, it'll be hysterical. Jason: Laura is way too sweet to be caught up in something like that. Laura: What a jackass!

Stella & Mac: (In chorus) Who discovered the body? Flack: You two have been working together way too long. A student came here looking for his keys and boom. Mac: Boom? You and Danny have been working together way too long.

Hawkes: (writing on the board) Silicon Dioxide plus four molecules of hydrofluoric acid produces... Danny: Oh me, me, me, pick me! (Danny takes the pen and writes the 'answer' on the board). Hawkes: That's cold, man. (camera shifts and we see Danny has written N(e)R(d)! on the board)

Stella: There's a special place in hell for guys like you, Frank. Frank: I've always wanted to travel someplace warm.

(perusing photos on a monitor) Adam: What are we looking for? Mac: Not what, who. Adam: Okay. Who are we looking for? Mac: Someone who might not be there. Adam: Is this some sort of Abbott & Costello routine, because if it is, I got dibs on Costello.

Mac: Where are we on the prep school homicide? Stella: Pulled DNA off the flask we found in Robert Greggs' jacket, turns out it was his. Mac: No other prints or profiles? Stella: Nope. He was knocking a few back at the dance. Mac: Seems like our guidance counselor was a bit misguided.

Sid: Do you have any idea how often I've wondered what would happen if you swallowed this stuff (referring to hydrofluoric acid). And there it is sitting on the shelf, perhaps the most corrosive acid known to man. You just get that urge to take a swig, you know what I'm talking about? Mac: Absolutely. Like when ever I pick up a scalpel, I wonder if I could perform a live autopsy on myself. Sid: You do that too, 'cuz I thought I was... (realizes Mac is joking) Don't play with me like that.

Flack: It's Microsoft's world kid. I'm just living in it.