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Pascoe: (Dalziel illegally kicks door in) Andy! Dalziel: You should know me by now Pete.
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Wield: (To the twin actors after Bird's death) The show's been axed.
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Dalziel: (As he and Pascoe look in two baskets) Dear oh dear! Pascoe: Bloody hell! Like his play two of everything. Dalziel: Doppled - man of many parts.
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Pascoe: Bird was one of the judges? Wield: Yes sir and he could be a harsh judge of other people's work. Dalziel: How would you know? You won a prize, you can't complain!
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Dalziel: Two of everything. What's your play about Noah's ark?
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Dalziel: (To Bowler) Hey no drinking on duty lad. (Dalziel and Pascoe both pick up a glass each) Cheers!
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Pascoe: (About fitness) I'm a copper, you spend all day on your arse. Sam: Wrong, chasing students aren't I.
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Doctor James Ashurst: (About Dr Sam's body to Dalziel) Post mortem report will give us a better idea, but all we've got at the moment is a man with a heart condition looking like he died peacefully by his own fireside. God send us all such a nice exit. (Dalziel glares at him and motions to the mourning Pascoe) Right, we'll erm...we'll talk later.
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Dalziel: System?
Pascoe: Well the first was A, the AA man. Sam: The second B, Jax Ripley worked for the BBC didn't she.
Pascoe: C for Cyril.
Dalziel: I hope your wrong Peter, 'cause if you're not, the next victim's name begins with a D. (All of them look at Dalziel.)
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Dalziel: (About Cllr. Steel) Tried giving the kiss of life did ya?
Bowler: Yes Sir.
Dalziel: Braver man than I am.
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Dalziel: (About the male statue) I can see now why you called it Pan. Its got a very nice pipe.
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Dalziel: (About sculpture of male body) So what would the title of this one be then, Elm disease? (Looks at Bowler) What? (Both laugh).
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Dalziel: Who was it who said when he heard the word 'culture' he'd reach for his revolver? Someone with his head screwed on. Pascoe: Goering, Hitler's best friend.
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Dalziel: If we (cops) murdered everyone who complained about us we'd be had up for genocide.
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Dalziel: Get me a shark butty and make it snappy! (shark sandwich)
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Dalziel: (About Cyril Steel) You don't want to get too close to him love, moths on his teeth and breath like a vegan's fart.