Daria

Daria: To say nothing of the prescription amphetamine donuts.

Helen: Rita, the Supreme Court doesn't handle divorces, they're swamped with shoplifting cases.

Jake: I can't take anymore, Daria! The fighting, the yelling. And then, always, the crying! Daria: Yours, you mean.

Jake: It's from a Civil War cookbook! Daria: So you are serving us a Civil War amputed leg?

Helen: We finally settled the ATC Motors case after eight grueling months, and at last I'm going to get some time off to spend with my family. Daria: Dad, who's that woman in that business suit?

Quinn: (on the phone) No, you're right, marriage isn't the same as dating. Nobody ever gives you really nice appliances just for going out with a guy. (pause) Erin, why are you crying?

(Helen and Rita are baking cookies using store-bought dough) Helen: Chocolate chip or peanut butter? Rita: The chips are already in it, right? Helen: Of course! I think...

(watching Helen and Rita fight) Quinn: Why can't they just get along?! Amy: Environmental factors. They were exposed to each other as children.

Jake: I've got to get out of here until the dust settles. Daria: Or the bodies stop twitching.

Quinn: Should I give Erin an "after you dumped him" makeover or a "newly single and sizzling" makeover? Daria: That depends. Which one involves boiling oil?

(Helen is on the phone with her sister, discussing her coming to visit) Jake: Oh, God, Helen, no! The way you and your sister fight...a man can only take so much! Helen: (to her sister, on the phone) No, that was Jake. He says "hi".

Tom: (to Daria) You know, I can't get through on the phone at all any more. Isn't your sister afraid her ear will grow over the receiver?

(upon hearing their cousin is getting divorced) Quinn: You mean I spent the whole day in that disgusting bridesmaid's dress for nothing?! Daria: No, you had to pay for it, remember?

Sandi: Well, if I can't say "Sandi Griffin's Dracula", why does Brad Stoker get to say "Brad Stoker's Dracula"? Quinn: Um, I think that's Bram Stoker. Sandi: I don't. Quinn: Perhaps not. But anyway, he gets to say it because he made the story up. Sandi: Quinn, Dracula is an internationally-known celebrity vampire. "Made the story up"...

Tom: Anyway, what about a movie tonight? Daria: I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch Gone With the Wind with her. (Tom starts laughing, then trails off when he realizes Daria is serious) Tom: Okay, that freaks me out and scares me. Daria: Pray for me.

Stacy: Well, I think I should have the dress because Tiffany looks good in anything, whereas I don't due to a slight asymmetry in my shoulders that is very painful for me even to mention, but which this particular dress minimizes while setting off my eyes. Sandi: Very good, Stacy. And now, Tiffany? Tiffany: Well, I think I should have the dress. (pause) Sandi: Um, Tiffany, is there anything you want to add? Tiffany: Yes. Thank you and God bless. Sandi: (to Quinn) Perhaps a debate is not the way to go here.

Jake: Hey Daria, I need some help in the kitchen with the...uhhh.... Daria: Johnny cakes? Jake: Yeah, the, uh, Johnny cakes. Daria: Smooth, Mr. Bond.

Quinn: Daria, when we grow up, do you think we'll fight like Mom and Aunt Rita? Daria: No. We'll use weapons.

Daria: Frankly, Quinn, I don't give a crap.

Daria: I better go, Mom may need an eyewitness...or someone to hand her the murder weapon.

Helen: $4,000 for a lighted dance floor?! Rita: Helen, disco was king!

Jake: Now we're gonna need a signal. Okay, when I call, if Rita is still here say, um, "the eagle has landed," and if they're fighting say "the crow flys at midnight," but if she's gone then "the pigeons are at rest." Got that? Daria: Is there any way to work in "hark, I hear the cannons roar?"