Daria

Helen: Jane, do you need an attorney? I don't do criminal work but I'll get you someone. Don't say anything to anyone until we get over there.

Daria: Now you're making me smile. Figuratively speaking.

Kevin: Wow! That's your third sale. I thought you brains only knew about school stuff, but, like, you know how to sell nuts, too. Amazing. Daria: Yes, Kevin. You'd be surprised how handy a command of basic literacy skills can be.

Jane: Misery loves company. Daria: You don't have to tell me that. It's the basis of our whole friendship.

Daria: You're going to counsel me? Of course. It's some kind of cosmic payback for being too ironic. Tiffany: (reading) You...too...can learn to...make... Daria: ...Yes? Tiffany: ...friends. Making friends is... Daria: Fun? Interesting? Impossible? Tiffany: ...important. Friends can be very... Daria: Useful? Supportive? Purple?! What?! Tiffany: You made me lose my place!

Helen: (looking at Daria's career aptitude test) A MORTICIAN? Daria: Hey, it's not my fault. Neck model was already taken. Helen: (reading) "Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead"? Daria, have you given any thought to your career plans? Daria: I guess I'll just wait around for people to kick the bucket. Helen: I can't believe you're not more ambitious! Daria: You want me to kill people to drum up business?

Quinn: A-hem, does anyone notice anything special about me? Daria: Yes, from just the right angle, I really can see through your head. Quinn: My neck! I got my career aptitude test results at school today, and they said I have a future as a neck model for jewelry catalogues. Daria: So your head would serve as sort of an accent piece?

Helen: Daria, did you take a career aptitude test? Daria: I don't remember. Helen: So, I have to call the school to get your results. Daria: If you so choose. Helen: (with an evil grin) Or maybe I'll just drop by in person to give you a surprise snack for your lunch box, pop into class and give it to you myself. Daria: All right, all right! (handing over the crumpled test) That's check and mate.

Boss: Congratulations, Daria. You're our salesperson of the day. Daria: I always dreamed of the day my picture would hang in a nut house.

Jane: I can't believe it. Finally, someone I know is attacked by animals, and I and my video camera are nowhere to be found. Daria: I'm not sure if cute little furballs milling around your feet really constitutes an attack. Jane: Hey, you don't know what they were thinking.

Mr. DeMartino: My congratulations, Miss Lane. You've done it again. Jane: Perfect record. I've gotten the same thing three years in a row. Daria: (reading) "Accountant"? Jane: That's what happens when you fill in the letter "C" for every answer. Gets the whole test over within five minutes.

(Jesse and Trent are trying to write a song) Jesse: My soul's waves of grain? Trent: I heard that somewhere before...

Jane: Monster trucks and naked models! Naked, naked, naked!

Daria & Kevin: Welcome to "It's a Nutty Nutty Nutty World." We're just nuts about nuts.

Boy: I want this puppy! Quinn: Oh, no! Thats Fifi. She's my favorite. Boy: (loudly) But I want that one! Woman: What is going on over here? Quinn: OH NO!! Where's Joanne? Woman: Who's Joanne? Quinn: Mr. Matthews said not to let the puppies' little paws touch the rough floor, so I put them on the lid from Joanne's cage. Woman: (urgently) Who's Joanne? Quinn: How did she get over the side of the cage?! Don't boa constrictors have gravity? (woman screams and runs out with kid)

Kevin: Uh, where are the almonds? Daria: Right here. Where the sign that says "almonds". That is the same barrel with the picture of the almond on it. Kevin: Oh, thanks! (turns around) Where'd you point again?