Daria

Jamie: (reading aloud) "Never was there a story of more woe than that of Juliet and her, uh, Romeo"? Daria: Thank you Joey, Jeffy, or Jamie. Laurence Olivier, in his present state, couldn't do much better.

Mrs. Stoller: And what's your name, dear? Daria: Daria. Mrs. Stoller: That sounds like a hippie name. I think I'll call you Darlene. So much prettier.

Ms. Li: (over the PA system) Will Miss Daria Morgendorffer please report to the principal's office NOW!! (Daria gets up to leave) Mrs. Stoller: Darlene, where are you going? Daria: To get Daria.

Ms. Li: In an unprecedented show of spine...I mean, "spite"...your teachers have announced a strike!

(Mr. O'Neill comes into the office to see how the negotiations are going. Ms. Li and Mr. DeMartino are passed out on the desk) Mr. O'Neill: Anthony, Angela, any progress? Oh no, they've killed each other!

Ms. Li: (hallucinating) Oh, Puffy, you don't need a weapon to make me do your bidding...

Mr. Edwards: (hitting on Tiffany) See, love can be so simple when the hand of experience nurtures the budding flower to full blossom. Tiffany: You're writing about gardening?

Mr. Edwards: The only books worth reading are those written in the deep, passionate waters of life. Stacy: So, like, "Jaws"?

Mr. O'Neill: Wait...I know you! Trent: (confused)You're on Spiral's mailing list?

Trent: (singing) Your salary offends me. Your health plan... Mr. O'Neill: Doesn't mend me? Trent: You know, if you're not going to take this seriously we can just stop right now.

(Daria has handed out the test to the class) Daria: I'd suggest you cheat off your neighbors, but considering who most of you are sitting next to...

Mrs. Stoller: ...And so the people asked George Washington, "Will you be our new king?" And Washington said (Jane walks in) young lady, you're tardy. Brittany: Gee, he wasn't very focused!

Daria: (passing out test) What is Romeo and Juliet about? Just write what you think and back it up. 200 words, minimum. Sandi: An essay test! Stacy: 200 words! Tiffany: Think?

Jane: Well, what do you know. Trent's actually on time to pick us up. And all I had to do was set his clock ahead four hours.

Quinn: Home is my sanitarium from school.

Jeffy: Miss Darlene, what does "woe" mean? Daria: It's like the feeling you'd get if the Superbowl were pre-empted by Antiques Roadshow." Joey: Whoa!!

(commenting on the grades Daria gave in her test) Sandi: Gee, Quinn, what a surprise you got a B+! I guess having a certain relationship with a certain teacher really paid off! Quinn: Um, Sandi, I think she was fairly easy on the grading, as long as you tried to think for yourself. Sandi: Oh really? I guess everything is relative! Quinn: Sandi! Ever since they asked her to take over this class from that creepy guy who wanted to fertilize Tiffany, seems to me all she's tried to do was make the best of a bad situation! Maybe we should cut her some slack! Sandi: See? There she goes taking sides again! You two are so nice to each other, you're almost like sisters! Quinn: I'm not taking anyone's side, Sandi, I'm just saying that sometimes people get put in awkward positions, like a girl who had to wear huge braces in fifth grade, and years later her brothers find pictures of her with them and give those pictures to a friend who hasn't shown them to anyone out of the goodness of her heart...yet. Sandi: Oh... Quinn: Besides, why shouldn't I act sisterly towards her? After all, she's my sister.

Ms. Li: If someone asked me to teach a class I'd be honored. Besides, we wouldn't be in this fix if it weren't for your mother! Daria: Yeah, hire one pedophile and she gets all bent out of shape. Besides, I'm not thinking of me, I'm thinking of the children. (Daria's evil conscience appears) Evil: Not so fast! You'll get out of gym class. (Daria's good conscience appears) Good: You? A scab? Evil: Oh, great, touched by an angel. Good: (Scolding)You'd be betraying your teachers. Evil: (Tempting) Hey, yeah! You'd be betraying your teachers! Good: You'd just be falling into the same trap that managements always use to keep wages low and workers weak. Evil: (to Good) Oh go dance on the head of a pin! (to Daria) You could make Quinn's life really miserable... Good: Huh, that's a good point! Evil: (to Good) Hey, you hungry? Good: (to Evil) Yeah, we can pick this up later. (both disappear)

(Quinn is talking while Helen is going over briefs) Quinn: (to Helen) ...and my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel he's writing.. Helen: Mm-hmm... Quinn: ...about some professor who dates a budding child-woman because he wants to blossom her... Helen: Mm-hmm... Quinn: And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair and telling her about his anguished soul... Helen: Mm-hmm...what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?! Quinn: I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket. Helen: Daria! Get me the... (Turns to see Daria already has the phone in her hand after hearing Quinn say Mr. Edward's began stroking Tiffany's hair) Helen: Thank you!

(Daria teaching Quinn's Class) Daria: Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else? Jeffy: Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights. Daria: Hm, since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare. Jeffy: Wait, I remember now! He's a stalker! He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows! Daria: Romeo and Juliet.

Ms. Li: (screaming drunk-like over intercom) People of Mars!!...I mean students of Laundale High! What was I saying...Oh! The teachers...The strike is over! Your teachers will be back tomorrow. Good night...day.

(Upchuck is looking through the keyhole of Ms. Li's office) Upchuck: Ooh, I like what I'm seeing... Jane: Ms. Li changing her support hose again? Daria: That's another habit that will lead to blindness, Upchuck. Jane: But in this case, you'll wish for it.

Ms. Li: (over P.A.) Students of Lawndale High, your attention, please. Jane: Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again? Daria: No. Satan's voice is lower and he has an English accent.

Mr. O'Neill and Trent: (singing) Have you ever been to the children's zoo? When when the birdies say "cheep" they're talking bout you! (look at each other) Nah...

(Mr. DeMartino and Ms. Li are in her office; both are tired and disheveled, obviously from heavy bargaining and lack of sleep) Ms. Li: Don't think you can intimiate...interminate...Don't think you can scare me with your threat to picket naked! Mr. DeMartino: You think I'm bluffing?! This is Goodwill polyester I've been sweating in all night. I want to picket naked! Ms. Li: All right, all right! A two-percent raise and a space heater for the teacher's lounge. Mr. DeMartino: (pulling on his collar) Boy! It's getting hot in here!