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Josephine "Joey" Potter
Jennifer "Jen" Lindley
Pacey J. Witter
Jack McPhee (recurring Season 2)
Evelyn "Grams" Ryan
Eddie is 25 years old.
Goof: When hosting the Love Lines event, Jen tells C.J. that he is supposed to field the calls without asking questions. However Michelle Williams seems to fumble her dialogue because she actually says: "You field, they ask, field, ask...", but she gets it backwards, because the question would come first and then C.J. would field it to the rest of the show.
Audrey: So, you guys must have a boat load of groupies, huh?
Dr. Drew: We have a few.
Audrey: Yeah. Don't you just hate girls like that?
Audrey: (To Dr. Drew) Every night after a long day's whining, I would lie in bed and I would bug my roommate by listening to you guys give advice to all those other losers out there in radio land, and... I don't know. It just, it... made me feel less alone. So... well, I guess I just want to say thank you.
Dr. Drew: So you're an actress?
Audrey: Well... I am. But, you know, more so in life, I guess, than in art. I have a bit of a flair for the dramatic.
Jen: My Grams is sick. And she has been keeping it from me, and it's the reason that she broke up with your uncle Bill, and... and I don't know what else she's been keeping from me. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know anything about anything, and so I had a freak-out, one freak-out. Is that ok?
C.J.: Yes. Yeah. Take as many as you need. (He hugs her)
Jen: (About herself) This girl realizes that she made a mistake, but she doesn't really know what to do about it.
C.J.: Well, maybe she needs to start by realizing that whatever the problem is, her boyfriend's not the enemy.
Jen: Right. Well, see, now, that's the thing about this girl, is that she has a tendency to subscribe to self-destructive behaviors in her life, and that when one part of her life isn't going well, she has this desire to destroy everything else going on.
David: I'm gonna make this really simple for you. Either apologize to me or break up with me.
Jack: Oh, fine, ok, whatever. Sorry.
David: No. No, no, no. I deserve better than that. Take a day. Hell, take a week. Think about it, and let me know what you decide.
David: (To Jack about breaking up) You're worse than Jen. Or maybe you two have been hanging out so long you've just become the same person.
Jack: Tonight doesn't have to be a complete disaster. If we hurry, we can still make it to the bars. Maybe you can find some nice guy for me to openly flirt with.
David: Am I supposed to be amused by that?
Joey: We're living this fantasy. And... and we've... been doing it ever since you got back. And as nice as the fantasy is... it's gonna have to end sooner or later.
Eddie: Well, since you put it that way, Joey, I choose later. Look, I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry that I gave you a hard time. But there's nothing I can say to earn your trust. So, you're just gonna have to take a leap of faith. Ok, and know that I love you more than anything in this world. Ok?
Eddie: You don't trust me?
Joey: Well, can you blame me?
Adam Carolla: (To Eddie) I'm tired of you college kids complaining and bellyaching all the time. When I was in college, we didn't have chicks that dressed like this. With their belly tees, and their hip huggers, and their thongs hanging out the back.
Adam Carolla: (To Eddie) Why don't you give the girl a break? Have you taken a look at her lately? You're lucky a chick that hot let's you get naked in the same building she's in. You gotta move on.
Audrey: (To Dr. Drew) So, what would you say to you, me, a couple of non-alcoholic beers, and a shiny new thermometer?
Audrey: (To the audience) Remember something: if you find yourself alone and depressed in a room sitting under a bare bulb if a pile of your own sick, please don't call me, call the help line.
Adam Carolla: Official midget height is if I'm wearing a pair of stilettos and I can rest my...
Joey: Maybe we could bring Jack up here for some humiliation.
Eddie: No, no, no. Don't Change the subject again I still intend to get some answers from Sally Albright...
C.J.: Hey, get in line, pal. At least you still have a girlfriend.
Audrey: Jen, I really need to know what kind of undergarments...
Adam Carolla: When we get back to L.A., I'm putting this knee in my agent's groin.
Jen: (About C.J.) If I were to start a boy from scratch, this is what he would end up as.
Dr. Drew: All right then. So, why would you sabotage this? Why would you take someone good, someone you described as wonderful, perfect, and just drive him away?
Jen: Can we turn this back to Joey? She's more screwed up than me.
Jen: (About C.J.) I like him. What's... what's not to like? He's perfect. He's the perfect living embodiment of everything that I've ever wanted in a boyfriend, but never thought that I would actually find. You're kind, you're caring, you're sensitive, you're not wigged out by gay people.
Jen: We have with us here the experts onstage who are here to answer people's questions...
Adam Carolla: Oh, experts, huh? A minute ago, I was hack, now I'm back to expert? That's nice.
Audrey: Dr. Drew... how would you like to go back to my dorm room and play a little game I like to call dirty doctor and naughty nurse?
Audrey: My question is specifically for Dr. Drew. Um, I'm about 5'7". I've got blond hair, blue eyes, great rack.
Jen: Audrey, question. Find it.
Jen: (About Jack) He's just one of those people who's really super-nice to everybody so it seems like he's flirting, but actually, he's not, 'cause nobody's that stupid. So, my advice on this would just be forgive and forget.
Jen: (To Joey) You're very normal in your abnormality.
Adam Carolla: (To Eddie about Joey) You have sex with her, then you dump her. Then you try to get her trust back, except for you abandon her again. So you've abandoned her twice, and now you're perplexed as to why she won't trust you when you've dumped her 2 times? Are you high, son? I mean, no wonder she's cut you off.
Joey: I had to come looking for you, didn't I? At a significant loss to my personal dignity, thank you very much. And then, to celebrate... he left again.
Dr. Drew: And throughout all this, you kept having sex?
Eddie: Oh, yeah.
Adam Carolla: No wonder she's screwed up.
Joey: I'm emotionally unstable?
Eddie: Yes, look in the mirror, Joey.
Joey: Who packed up and left with no forwarding address at the first sign that this thing was getting serious?
Eddie: Today, I realized that the girl that I have been opening my life and baring my... my naked soul to for the past 6 months is a phony.
Dr. Drew: Should a couple that's not even mature enough to talk about sex be having sex?
Adam Carolla: Yeah.
Eddie: Give me this. That's what I'm saying, dr. Drew. It's exactly what I'm saying. Well, not exactly what I'm saying. I mean, she is a little, like, uptight about the whole thing.
Joey: I am not.
Adam Carolla: (About Jen) I say run. I mean, this chick's a head case. She's going to take you down, I promise.
Jen: Thank you, Adam, for that astute insight, but if you don't mind me saying so, I think that C.J.'s problems here are really subordinate to those of the many members of this audience who have actually paid good money to listen to your vastly under qualified advice.
Adam Carolla: You're so lucky I don't know what subordinate means, honey.
C.J.: (About Jen) She was a girlfriend, actually, and we were together for several months up until this morning, when she dumped me like a sack of rotten trash. No explanation, no warning, no nothing.
Adam Carolla: Come on. You people are in college. Your crabs have gonorrhea. Where's the questions?
C.J.: I'd actually... I'd actually like to pose a question, if I may?
Jen: Actually, C.J., I think it's your job to field the questions, not ask them. You field, they ask. Field. Ask. Field. Ask.
Eddie: I thought the whole point of this evening was for people to get together and talk about their problems.
Joey: We're freaks, but we're not those kinds of freaks.
Eddie: You allowed me to think that I was good at it.
Joey: Good at what?
Eddie: The sweet, tender lovemaking that couples tend to engage in upon day's end.
Joey: Look, you are good at it, ok? Now could we please stop talking about this?
Audrey: (About Dr. Drew) Do you know where he is?
Adam Carolla: That geezer's probably out casket shopping. He's old. He's an old man. He's old enough to be your grandfather. Whereas I, I'm just old enough to be your daddy. And plus, the guy's a bore. He's an amazing bore. He never stops talking about gonorrhea and hepatitis G. Believe me, I know. I have to share a hotel room with the guy. Cheap bastards.
Audrey: Oh, my god. You've shared a room with him? Tell me something. (Whispering) Have you seen him naked?
Audrey: Oh, Jen, Jen. Sweet, sweet, Jen. Such an amusing facade, but it's of no use. You can't keep us apart. It's destiny, I tell you. Destiny. Jen, he was on my plane.
Adam Carolla: Ladies, put the claws back. No need to fight. Plenty of room on the Carolla coaster for everyone.
Jen: I'm afraid I won't meet the minimum-height requirement. It's nice to meet you. I got to go.
Jen: I need a ringer.
David: A what?
Jen: A ringer... somebody to ask pre-planned questions during uncomfortable moments of silence.
David: Well, don't look at me. I suffer from glossophobia.
(Jen looks at him confused)
David: It's a fear of public speaking.
David: I thought I'd introduce you to this guy who just had the good taste to hit on me. Uh, Jack, this is...
Fred: Uh, Fred.
Fred: Sorry about that.
Jack: Not a problem. It's cool. I mean, you know, it's not cool, of course. Although I do like to pimp him out from time to time.
Audrey: Do you want to make out?
Audrey: Good. That was your test, buddy. You break her heart again, and I'm going to kill you. You got it?
Joey: You don't get anywhere talking about sex. You just make me uncomfortable.
Audrey: (Emerging from underneath her bed covers) Oh, my sweet lord! Will the two of you just do it already and be quiet?
Joey: I have to go. I have a quiz.
Eddie: Well, fine. Maybe we can not talk about this later.
Eddie: We never got a chance to finish our conversation.
Joey: And what conversation was that?
Eddie: About how you're repulsed by me.
Joey: I am not repulsed by you.
Jen: C.J., I'm breaking up with you. I'll see you tonight.
Joey: (About Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla) They're putting on some fund raiser for the counseling center, and Jen gets to play host.
Audrey: Oh, my god. This is perfect. She can totally intro me to the doc. I knew it was destiny. I gotta pee. (Runs into the bathroom)
Joey: She's baaaack.
Joey: (About Dr. Drew) I would have thought he was a little too, uh... clinical for your tastes.
Audrey: It's kind of a rehab thing. You start to crave men based on who'd look cutest in a white lab coat.
Eddie: How come you don't want to get with me?
Joey: What are you going on about?
Eddie: Since I've been back, nothing. Nada. A drought of epic proportions. Is there a hygiene issue I'm not aware of?
Music featured in the episode included:
Jerk It Out by Caesars
Oh No by Grey Eye Glances
Would You...? by Touch and Go
Sex With Strangers by Marianne Faithfull
Joshua Jackson makes his directoral debut.
This marks the fifth episode this season not to feature the title role played by James Van Der Beek.
Eddie: Joey's dad did some time in the big house.
Allusion to episode 2x22 Parental Discretion Advised.
Jen: She's sick. My Grams is sick. And she has been keeping it from me, and it's the reason that she broke up with your uncle Bill.
Allusion to episode 6x13 Rock Bottom.
Dr. Drew: To engage in high risk behavior, if you have, you should see a doctor immediately, and then ask...
Wink to episode 2x10 High Risk Behaviour.
Audrey: So after spending several weeks in a rehab facility in southern California...
Allusion to episode 6x14 Clean and Sober.
Jen: Uh, anybody. Anybody. Bueller? Bueller?
Allusion to the sitcom Ferris Bueller, based on the 1986 John Hughes' film Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Audrey: I was practicing for a play. You know: Stella, Stella!, all that.
Audrey is quoting a line from the 1951 movie A Streetcar Named Desire.
Guy in the audience: During sex, she likes to listen to Pop goes the weasel.
Pop goes the weasel is an English nursery rhyme.
Audrey: I'll be your Ricki Lake for the rest of the evening.
Ricki Lake (1968-) is an American actress and talk show host.
Jen: Audrey, how would you like to see him Up close and personal?
Up close and personal is a 1996 American movie.
Adam Carolla: I still intend to get some answers from Sally Albright.
Sally Albright is a fictional character from the 1989 romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally.
Adam: He is kind of cute. He's got a bit of the Spader working for him.
James Spader (1960-) is an American actor.
C.J.: She treats me like I'm father Damien.
Father Damien (1840-1889) was a Roman Catholic priest canonized in 2009 by authority of Pope Benedict XVI. Father Damien is known for his dedication to people with leprosy.
Audrey: I wasn't talking about you, doofus.
Doofus Drake is a Walt Disney character from the show DuckTales.
C.J.: You, me, some cheap champagne, a little Fleetwood Mac.
Fleetwood Mac is a rock band from the 1960's.
C.J.: (To Jen) You could become the next Ryan Seacrest.
Ryan Seacrest (1974-) is an Emmy Award-nominated television and radio host.
Eddie: What's MTV? Kidding.
MTV (Music Television) is a cable television network which plays music videos.
Joey: You know. Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla? Of Loveline fame? Popular radio call-in show where they espouse advice to pathetic losers with massive sexual hang-ups.
Loveline is a radio program offering advice on relationships.
Eddie: Oh, Ian Ziering?
Ian Ziering (1964-) is an American actor who acquired recognition after starring in Beverly Hills, 90210.
Joey: Brad Pitt?
William Bradley Pitt (1963-) is an American actor.
Audrey: Rumor has it that Courtney Love was checking in, and they needed the extra room.
Courtney Love (1964-) is an American singer and actress.
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