Dean Martin: Our guest of honor was born in the city of Philadelphia. Now it's not easy growing up in Philadelphia, crime there is so bad that if your not home by nine o'clock your wife can have you declared legally dead. He's still a degenerate gambler, the other day at the racetrack we were both eating a hotdog, he said to me, "I bet I'll beat you by half a length". He picked seven horses for me that day and they all lost. I finally picked a winner in the eighth, but my horse was disqualified for having a battery under the saddle. Personally I believe the jockey's story, he said the horse was hard of hearing.
Red Buttons: Ladies and gentlemen the question tonight is Why are we giving this slob a dinner? A man who has it in his will he wants to be cremated and the ashes thrown into Tony Randall's face. Why then I repeat to reiterate are we giving this card carrying slob a dinner. When some of the biggest people in the history of the world, never got a dinner. Adam who said to Eve in the Garden of Eden, "Of all the people I know, I like you best", Dracula who said when they drove a stake thru his heart, "I spell relief R-O-L-A-I-D-S", never got a dinner. The referee who said to Leon Spinks in the ALi fight "No gumming in the clinches", never got a dinner. Ex-congressman Hayes who said, "If I am elected again, I will hire a typist", William of Orange who said on his wedding night "Now that's what I call a navel!" Medusa who said when she saw the snakes growing out of her head, "Look Ma, Phyllis Diller!" Never got a dinner. Alex Haley the author of "Roots", who traced his family all the way back to the rear of the bus, never got a dinner. Maury Xerox the inventor of the Xerox machine who said to his wife Zelda "Zelda Xerox, it's easy if you want another baby make a copy of Irving." Never had a dinner. Anwar Sadat who said to Menachem Begin in Cairo, "No that's not a camel, that's Dolly Parton lying on her back." Never got a dinner.