Phyllis Diller: Well I couldn't wait to get her because Lucy is my kind of girl. We're both cut from the same mold, thing is I'm moldier. Lucy had some career. When Lucy was making pictures at MGM, everytime a big part came up they'd say, Louis B. Mayer would say this, "Let's get that good-looking redhead." And they did, Van Johnson. When I first came to Hollywood I could have had big parts too, but I was allergic to silicon. My bra was so small it had to be put on by a jeweler. Of course now I wear a padded bra, it's got so much rubber in it, last night I threw it on the dresser and it bounced out the window. But Lucy's got her problems too, now I happen to know that she wants to dye her hair back to its original color, but she can't remember it. All my life I have tried to look like Lucy. I even use the same beauty cream Lucy uses but nothing works. You know that ugly skin on your elbows? My whole body looks like that.
Dean Martin: It's always a pleasure to have Jack Benny with us, he almost didn't make it, the police broke into his dressing room and caught him sniffing prunes. Now ladies and gentlemen, Jack Benny.
Jack Benny: I'm glad that it isn't always a black tie event you know but I'm glad this is a black tie affair because it lends dignity to the evening. And for your information to get a tuxedo pressed it's no longer two dollars. Of course, I get a refund when I return the wire hanger. Anyway I enjoyed my trip to Las Vegas, fortunately I ran into Fred MacMurray and he got me a good seat on the bus. Sitting alongside me was a beautiful 25-year-old girl with a six month old baby. And everytime she fed that baby, I just couldn't take my eyes off of her. I'd like to borrow that kid to syphon gasoline. He drank that bottle in ten seconds flat. (looks over at Dean) Anyway I must say with all respect to Lucy, I can see where all her exposure on TV might have upset some comedians and make them jealous, but personally I don't give a damn. I couldn't care if she's on fifty times a day. If she wants the public to get sick of her, that's her problem. (throws Lucy a kiss)
Lucy: (about Henry Fonda) I'm overwhelmed that Henry Fonda came here overnight. We're great friends, I'm happy to say we done two pictures together and whenever Hank was around, the set always came to life. I wish I could say that same to Hank.
Film clips of Lucy from her various television shows are shown while Dean sings "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face".