Dean Martin: He's a master of karate, but why does he have to wear his black belt on his head? (He's not getting up is he?) He was born and raised in Chicago, his mother had eleven children, he was four of them. You think Mr. T is tough, his brother ran off once and married a tractor. He's a great believer in clean living, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink and he doesn't party. No wonder he's so mean!
Red Buttons: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm with the B-Team, I'm here tonight to ask one question and one question alone. Why, why are we giving this man a dinner? When some of the biggest people in the history of the world, never got a dinner. Adam, Adam who said to Eve in the Garden of Eden, what do you mean you got nothing to wear? Never got a dinner. Noah who said to his travel agent, "How come it never rains on Love Boat?" and he never got a dinner. Saint Christopher who said, "Where can I buy a Frank Sinatra medal?" Sitting Bull who said to General Custer, "That's not my real name, but who's going to listen to an Indian chief named Irving?" Elizabeth Taylor who said to Joan Rivers, "First we'll eat then we'll talk". The doctor who deliver Mr. T, "He slapped me!" Never, never, never got a dinner! Michaelangelo's girlfriend who said to Angelo, "Forget the paint, let's put a mirror on the ceiling." And Dick Clark's wife who said on their honeymoon, "This is your third blooper tonight!" Never got a dinner.
Bob Hope: Thank you Dean, I'm so glad to be here, it's such a thrill to get such a glowing introduction from a host with a glow on. I'm so happy to be here, when Mr. T invited me to be a guest at his roast, I couldn't turn him down, that's because he's one of NBC's hottest new stars, he's great guy and I prefer to have knees that bend in one direction. No he's hot, all the talk shows want him, Merv wants him to talk to him, Letterman wants him to talk to him, and Johnny Carson wants him to talk to Joanna. Mr. T did our show in Hawaii, and I found that we have quite a few things in common, we agree in almost everything, except barbers. And what a welcome we got when we landed in Honolulu, they put a lei around Mr. T's neck and he ate it. He got alot of money from us for doing that show too that's because his fist is as big as my agent.
Slappy White: I know Mr. T from Chicago and in his neighborhood the Avon lady would ring and run. But it's safe to go thru his neighborhood at night, if your a bullet.