Decision House Forums

MyNetwork TV (ended 2008)

Anyone watching "Decision House"?

  • Avatar of LovingAnyway

    LovingAnyway

    [1]Oct 24, 2007
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    I just got my first episode while the World Series was on commercial (marital compromise). I was aghast at what I saw between Josh and his wife...not to mention the Judge.

    I'm going to look for the previous episodes because I think this is inappropriately named...a Divorce Judge wrecking marriages isn't my idea of a cool reality show. Maybe it's in the vein of Maximum Exposure...watching car wrecks? My husband and I had strong reactions...enough for me to search out a board to post on, an email contact for the show...something to express what we think would have been a fantastic reality show which wrecked into adding more destructive for marriages.

    We heard the Judge call The Marriage a "relationship" three times. We saw the Judge focus in on Josh as "the problem" instead of the marriage having problems (half and half)...and no instruction or exercises for communication skills, which both partners gravely needed: the wife constant parental shame attacks and the husband's desire for victimhood. They had a very workable connection/attraction, each filling a vital role for the other. They seemed smart people--didn't hear anyone pointing out how each needed to change to have any shot at a healthy relationship, really, with anyone.

    Why would someone make a show without ready and able authority there who excelled on understanding marriage? Like putting two spiders in a sink and watch them duke it out, pulling out one for a few moments and throwing it back in. These are hurting human beings who really want to hear what's real from what's fantasy in their lives. All we saw was enabling going on by the authority, with a few tidbits of clarity for Josh thrown in. No responsibility by the wife, even caught blatantly in her own fantasy assumptions; no accountability.

    Only takes one to change a marriage...either the wife stops her verbal abuse and shame attacks or the husband stops his victim quest. Better if both were shown their limits and power, I believe. What a great vehicle this could be for couples to watch and talk about, change themselves, transform their marriages. I'm going to see the full five episodes to check myself. I'm rather incredulous right now that this kind of destruction by the show wasn't obvious to the creators and producers.

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    kpskorner

    [2]Oct 26, 2007
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    I couldn't agree with you more! Finally - someone with some sense speaking up about this "show". I am Kathie (of Phil and Kathie) from the first episode (Sept 12, 2007). I went to Dr Phil, and ended up, quite confused, at Decision House. My husband and I are truly hurting, and even more so since going to the house.

    We have struggled with his anger and over-spending, and my resentment (among other issues) for over 25 years. Who ever decided to focus on OUR credit card debt (they portrayed it as MY debt) and our cluttered home (those pictures they showed are NOT representative of my home) as the cause of our marital problems doesn't have a clue about troubled marriages.

    It was made perfectly clear to "Dr Tara" that Phil is very aggressive in the home. But I made the mistake of trusting the Dr Phil producers when they told me to fight with him on video tape at home so they could see how we argue (so they could "help us"). He wasn't showing his anger with the cameras rolling, so they told me to try again and "do whatever it takes to make him mad." Honestly, I almost NEVER say "shut up" to my husband or anyone else. But I did say it on camera (more than once), and now all of America has a very different opinion of me than who my family and friends (including my husband) know me to be.

    I have been in agony since the day we first encountered their people. They showed up at my home unannounced and filmed here for 12 hours. They separated Phil and me most of the time we were there, and I really felt that "Dr Tara" had it in for me. She made it real obvious from the get-go that she supported Phil and had a very low opinion of me. I confronted her on the last day (after I had such a horrible panic attack I thought I would die), and she apologized to me saying she hadn't had all the information she should have had. NO KIDDING!!! My husband's name-calling (pathetic, worthless, lazy, loser, etc) was not even addressed once! UNBELIEVABLE!!! I on the other hand was chided for being "addicted to things" (which I am not and never have been). What a farce! And their editing made us say things we NEVER said or even thought. I'm so angry I could just scream. But who's listening? You are, and I am grateful! Please reply!

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  • Avatar of LovingAnyway

    LovingAnyway

    [3]Oct 27, 2007
    • member since: 10/25/07
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    Oh, thank you for replying!

    I very much want to give you the website which saved my marriage. And it didn't do it for money (free) or ratings. I've been posting on the Discussion Forum there for three years and thoroughly believe couples helping couples is the way to go.

    www.marriagebuilders.com

    I didn't get to see your episode, Kathi. I wish all participants will be able, though, to come to MB and really learn to thrive.

    I searched the internet for the previous episodes...I can't find them. If you know where yours may be offered, let me know, 'k?

    I applaud and delight your dedication, the lengths you chose to go to, to save your marriage. I understand heading in one direction and ending up in another. I see you put your most cherished possession in someone's hands and felt it abused.

    I get that.

    As for what viewers think...don't think for them, 'k? Someone may have felt incredible relief from seeing you guys and realizing they weren't alone, crazy or bad. They were human, like you. Only they weren't in extreme circumstances, having others add to the crap instead of helping you guys clearly see each half of your marriage...your own!

    Equal power and partnership.

    Your issues are all addressed on MB, I promise. Neither of you are the bad guy, 'k? And you didn't make an awful mistake in being on that show, either...sure can understand you feeling like you did...because you were brave, searching and dedicated. I hope you still are. There's a thriving, marvelous marriage ahead of you, beyond what you may have imagined or experienced. And maybe the only way to get there is from here.

    It's like believing if we could only get counseling, we'd be fine. When many have had many detrimental counselors in their lives, contributing to the crud. Not mistakes...ways to highlight we have choice, we aren't incapable...we just aren't making new choices.

    LA
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  • Avatar of kpskorner

    kpskorner

    [4]Nov 4, 2007
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    Thank you, LA, for the MarriageBuilders website! It is amazing! I have probably read well over 100 books on marriage (mostly Christian because we are Christians) but have never heard the wonderful advice that Dr Harley (God bless him!) gives.

    I had literally isolated myself in my home for several weeks, only venturing to the grocery store at night because of the shame that I felt from Decision House. My kids were very supportive and encouraging, but my husband was getting irritated and began turning on me saying there was something wrong with me. THAT really helped!

    I was so relieved that you replied to my first post. Thank you for caring. You'll never know how much that meant to me. Phil agreed to check out the website with me, and we have spent hours reading the information together this past week. He is much more understanding of my hurt than he was before. He and I both love the information about how to fall in love again! Depositing Love Units is not something we've done a lot of lately. And refraining from Withdrawing Love Units is such a new concept for us.

    We have lived in Conflict and Withdrawal for so many years that it often seemed hopeless that we could ever save our marriage. All I was hoping for was to end it in a way that wouldn't destroy either of us or our 5 kids (13-22). And, frankly, I didn't see that happening.

    I printed all the Questionnaires and Phil and I will begin filling them out this week. I'm excited for the future of my marriage for the first time in a long time! I even ventured out 4 times this week! (all with my girlfriends from church who are NOT judging me, but holding me up in prayer and loving me through!).

    Thank you LA! You've truly made a difference in my life! God bless you always!

    Kathie

    Edited on 11/12/2007 4:02pm
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  • Avatar of kpskorner

    kpskorner

    [5]Nov 4, 2007
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    Oh, I forgot ... I don't know of anywhere to view Decision House except Wednesdays on MyNetworkTV (channel 13 in LA). Our episode has already aired twice (Peterson). I really hope they don't ever air it again. But if they do and I'm aware of it, I'll send you a post to let you know ahead of time.

    Cheers,

    Kathie

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    sstarr56

    [6]Nov 13, 2007
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    My name is Sally Welch and I am scheduled to be on the show November 21, 2007, I have to say I have been very concerned about the editing of the show. I will post my thoughts after the show airs
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  • Avatar of kpskorner

    kpskorner

    [7]Nov 17, 2007
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    Dear Sally,

    I'm Kathie Peterson from the Sept 12th DH. I hope they don't do to you what they did to my husband Phil and me. I went there with real, serious, painful questions that deserved answers, and I got the shaft. It was as if they WANTED to break up our 26 year marriage.

    They made our whole three days there about the issues my husband had with me (clutter and credit cards), and gave very little time to the true issue I had with him: his angry outbursts and name-calling. He sent them pictures of our garage (before a yard sale), our kitchen (immediately after dinner), and our grown daughter's bedroom, and told them this was "my" clutter. (Their camera crew arrived at my home UNANNOUNCED the day before we went to DH and filmed here for 12 HOURS. They did NOT find the "clutter" they were looking for, or they would have shown it on TV.) They also implied that our $45,000 in credit card debt was because of me, when I clearly spelled out for them all the "toys" my husband has bought (on credit), the trips we've taken (London, Paris, Edinburgh, Calgary, Vancouver, etc), our solar panels and other home improvements, etc, etc. (I shop at JCPenney for sales - not at high dollar department stores, AND I have raised 5 kids on one income! I think I do pretty darn well with the money!)

    I do all the cooking, pay all the bills, keep house (with all the kids doing their chores), homeschool, (3 graduated, twins in 8th grade), and LOVE what I'm doing. They knew all these things, but didn't give any of this information to the viewers. My angry husband told them I spend all "his" money (I have been a full-time homemaker since our oldest daughter was born 22 years ago), and generally do nothing all day. THEN he announced on national TV that I had "a boob job and lipo". I was mortified to say the least! (I'm a very quiet, shy person.)

    They had a heyday with me. I have never been so distraught as I was for those three days. It was truly an extremely TRAUMATIC experience.

    By the grace of God we came away from there still married, but the hurt and betrayal are so stinging. I didn't embellish or exaggerate what I told them about my marriage, but my husband did, and they chose to believe him. I guess a "housewife" yelling "Shut-up" at her husband (they didn't show you what I was responding to when I said that, did they?), and a mess of a home, and huge credit card debt gets better ratings than a woman whose heart is crushed by a verbally abusive husband who tells her she's lazy, lame, pathetic and worthless.

    The next day, Phil said, "Wow, you really took a hit for me, didn't you?" That's the closest I've gotten to an apology. I'm not holding my breath. I went there looking for someone to finally tell my husband that he's not treating the kids and me right, and I came away shredded and ashamed. This was probably the biggest risk I've ever taken in my life, and it didn't go well.

    My kids are furious at Dr Phil. (We thought we were going to the Dr Phil house, did you?) I've emailed him, his wife, and Amy Joe (his producer who took all our information for several days before we went), but haven't heard back from any of them. SURPRISE!

    LovingAnyway from this forum told me about a website, www.MarriageBuilders.com , that has been the saving grace of my marriage for the past couple of weeks. Go to the site. It's full of excellent advice!

    I'll be praying for you, Sally. Did you and your hubby decide to stay together? I'd love to get in touch with ALL the DH couples (and singles) to exchange horror stories. Maybe we could get something done about this SCAM they call Decision House. Write back. I'll check this page each day for your response. And remember; What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

    I honestly am praying for you, Sally. You're not alone. I'll watch Wednesday night, and I KNOW the evil they do with their editing. You can trust me.

    Sincerely,

    Kathie Peterson

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  • Avatar of LovingAnyway

    LovingAnyway

    [8]Nov 17, 2007
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    Hi, Sally, glad you're here. I'll be sure to watch this Wednesday.

    Kathie, I caught the Todd Bridges episode...and I do think their pattern of recap editing gets in the way of what may be potentially good stuff. I didn't think this episode made one is the problem.

    The recap clips after each commercial drove me batty, though.

    Did you see on this website two unaired clips? Look them up. I think one of them is you, Kathie.

    LA
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    kpskorner

    [9]Nov 19, 2007
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    Hi LA!

    I don't know which clips you saw on this website. I couldn't find any. How do I get there? There was an "unaired" clip of us on the My13la.com website a couple of days ago, but it's not there now. It comes and goes.

    I think they were more than fair with Todd and Dori. They seem to be a good couple. I think they should have focused more on her desire to find out who she really is aside from being Mrs Todd Bridges. She obviously adores him, and he needs to know that her growth won't threaten that devotion -- as long as he continues to value and respect her.

    I sure wish they had delved into my husband's past issues like they did with Todd. I was very clear with them before we went that he has issues with his childhood. They ignored my request, and told him his anger comes from having a wife who doesn't love him. Sigh.

    I wish we had never gone there. But I can't change the past.

    Sally, I'm still praying for you like I said I would. Probably won't be able to check this forum till after Thanksgiving, but I'll watch on Wednesday.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you both. Have a blessed day, and remember to thank God for all He does for our great nation!

    Kathie

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  • Avatar of LovingAnyway

    LovingAnyway

    [10]Nov 23, 2007
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    Sally, your show didn't air where I live. They had "Hotel Rwanda" on, instead.

    Which was great for me...I hadn't seen it yet.

    How are you doing today?

    Kathie...I couldn't find them again...I think it was as you said, a promotional link, which is replaced with clips of other shows. I don't understand why they don't link them on the DecisionHouse website.

    LA
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    kpskorner

    [11]Nov 26, 2007
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    Hi LA!

    Thanksgiving was wonderful, as always. We had three -- Mom's, Mother-in-law's, and at home.

    We also did not have Sally's DH in our area. And this week is a different couple.

    Every so often if I go to the DH website (at MyNetworkTV.com), they'll have a clip (always the same "unaired clip") of Phil and me.

    Life is still very difficult for us. He waivers between wanting to be a dedicated husband, to wanting "out" of the marriage. It seems to depend on what mood he's in and who he's been talking with. I'm so tired. Not giving up, just battle-weary.

    Have a good week.

    Kathie

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  • Avatar of LovingAnyway

    LovingAnyway

    [12]Nov 28, 2007
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    Kathie,

    I haven't seen you posting on MB. I promise you insight, understanding and great advice there. So many have been where you are right now...where you have been...and you can look to them to see where you can be.

    Choices...not happenstance. Would you consider Phil goes between all or nothing feelings? Feelings, belief? Reality is that each day, he chooses your marriage. He's there. He really is there...from choice. So are you. I found a lot of my relationship fatigue was coming from me, taking my H's thoughts, feelings, perceptions as about me...and not respecting he was sharing what was about him. He was being intimate...knowing and sharing his stuff. It was me exhausting myself in making his stuff about me...that's what I thought was connection...and it isn't.

    We process our stuff...we choose our thoughts, what we focus on (what we're working on)...and Phil is sharing his stuff. That's awesome. Many do not do this...to protect their spouses from their stuff...as if it's toxic. If they don't say it aloud, it isn't real, isn't really their stuff, either. He's involving you through sharing...not about you. Easy to confuse that overlap.

    What if you minded your own choice of thoughts, eliminated your assumptions, checked your own perception and perspective to see if you're pointing yourself to reality or involving yourself more in fantasy, what isn't real? Would that be fatiguing? Or would it be freeing? What if you shared aloud your stuff, owned it as yours, with him? Would that be the intimate?

    Hardest thing for me was to realize that marriage has no battles within...we are allies to what we experience in life and are responsible for not battling within...that's about power, not love. When I laid down my shield, put away my sword, Kathie, I nearly crumpled from realizing I was focused on slaying what wasn't real at all.

    Be good to yourself. Your life of pain can be over right now...and it's not an overhaul of you, changing all your parts and pieces...it's tilting your head three inches to the left. Energy surges are coming. From choice. I'll watch to see if they have it on tonight.

    You're not alone.

    LA
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    luvshopping

    [13]Dec 10, 2007
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    I never saw the "Welch" episode??? Did anyone else? A little wierd that the episode continues to be moved out.
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    kpskorner

    [14]Dec 16, 2007
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    Hi LA,

    I haven't posted yet on MB. Still processing so much information. The concepts are somewhat contradictory and confusing, but I think I'm getting it. Phil, on the other hand, has decided it's not something he's willing to consider or try. He told me he's not willing to give up any of his "control" over himself to me or anyone else. Not to any degree. Not ever. So there you go.

    I'm having a heck-of-a-time trying to implement the POJA and meet hisEN and quit the LB on my own. Frankly, I feel even more resentful of his unwillingness to participate in our marriage than ever before. And he's just as mean and rude as always.

    I don'tknow what you mean whenyou say "making his stuff about me." Help me understand what that means.

    Phil is completely all or nothing, black or white, and he's quite proud of it. He says the problem with the world is that everybody is too "tolerant". This is not the man I married 26 years ago. That man was carefree and fun and kind. He gets more like his dad as he gets older, and that's scary. His dad was a con artist, always running a step ahead of the law until he died 17 yrs ago. He was cruel and had no conscience, and Phil despised him. (Before their divorce 37 yrs ago, he abused Phil's mom emotionally, verbally, and physically.) Now Phil is so much like his dad that it bothers me.

    Phil doesn't leave much to the imagination. He ALWAYS speaks his mind, and always argues with everyone who has a different opinion from his. (He thinks anyone with a differing opinion is an idiot, stupid and wrong.)

    I have been at my wit's end for so long now. I'm so tired. All I want at this point is for him to stop causing so much turmoil. I suspect he's got Borderline Personality Disorder. But he doesn't believe in emotional or mental illness, so there's not much hope of a diagnosis or treatment. He says if everyone in the world was like him, there would be no problems. LOL.

    Sorry, just blowing off steam. I haven't had a conversation with him in a week that didn't end in conflict, so I'm feeling pretty edgy.

    I did register on MB the other day under the name IChooseUs. Haven't posted yet, but that's mainly due to time and scheduling restraints. ('Tis the season...)

    I got marriedto know the intimacy and closeness of a husband, but my experience has been so far from that ideal. I'm completely bewildered and worn out. Caught between feeling trapped and wanting to stay (in case there's hope). I don't feel that my pain will ever end. In staying, I know the pain. It's predictable and constant. If I ever leave, he has promised to make my life a living hell. (When our kids were young he threatened to take off with them, just like his dadtook him and his little brother when Phil was 12.)

    So what now? This is not new; this has been escalating for over 20 years. Please explain to me in a way I can understand, what next? I feel so lost and confused and in need of peace.

    Thanks for listening again.

    Kathie

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  • Avatar of LovingAnyway

    LovingAnyway

    [15]Dec 18, 2007
    • member since: 10/25/07
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    Get "His Needs, Her Needs" and I think the contradictions may be cleared up for you. I'd be happy to talk them out with you there.

    I do understand your despair...especially in conflict...feels grinding and tiring to me. In the three places of marriage...intimacy, conflict and withdrawal...you're in the middle. Sure isn't roses and parades...and it isn't insurmountable as it seems in withdrawal.

    I'm delighted you registered. Even in this really busy time.

    So what now? You are looking ahead and behind, seems to me. I'd love to know what your this instant looks like to you, without the other out-of-your-controls (future and past) in your way.

    When I said "his stuff"...I see humans as having their truth (stuff) and experiencing with others the truth...and knowing which is which can be really confusing...takes discernment, not judgment.

    You have your own stuff...you have your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspective. Those are yours...you actually choose them. They aren't put upon you from the outside, or by others (sure can experience life as if they are). Remains your choice...even in each thought you have, where your thoughts dwell...how you view yourself and others. All yours.

    That's your truth...does not make it the truth. Your feelings are valid, real...and they are yours. Doesn't prove someone else did or said something hurtful...does mean you're hurting. A signal to you, from you, about you...from your beliefs. You will experience pain as if it's coming in from someone else because you choose to believe it's coming in from the outside...

    and our emotions come to us from the inside. They come as signals to us about our beliefs...what we are thinking...just as Phil chooses to believe others can control him...

    and we (as others) cannot. We're not that powerful. We are all separate, equal human beings...your choice to believe that or not. To me, it's inherent in God's design...creator creates equally. We cannot make someone else feel, think, believe, perceive or view the way we want to...we certainly can experience life as if they can.

    We can make that our reality...and it remains impossible.

    Accepting our partner's stuff or truth as theirs is an act of respect for our partner, ourselves and reality. Their actions/words, however, are the truth. Those are facts...words stated, actions taken. That's the truth.

    Have you ever thought/said..."You slammed that door!" Sounded like the truth, didn't it? The truth is that the door is now closed and someone closed it. Our perception of slamming can vary...just like yelling...could be tone, emphasis, volume, facial expressions...we often define the truth with our truth overlapping it.

    Easy to do...given that our human brains cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy. No mental illness in that...in the design of our brains, we have the ability to record something as actually happening when it's not...if we dwell on past incidents and events, our brains will hand us the emotions signalling us as if it's happening right now. Same for the future...when no one really knows the future...for our choices today determine it.

    I spent a lot time as a time-keeper...dwelling in my thoughts in the past...riling, hurting, reliving, full of shame at times, and fury. That was actually my present, what I brought to my "this instant"...became my experience. And I worried, also, which is like praying for what you don't want.

    So I kinda flattened my present and wasn't in reality. I wasn't accepting of my DH's truth...nor respectful of my own. I wasn't aware I was choosing, either, to dwell where I had no power, no control...which made me reach for judgment, a place to stand, felt helpless, done to and filled with resentment.

    That was me, Kathie, doing that to myself...and it all felt like it was coming in from the outside...past grievances for others...didn't even see the "grieving" in it...fear of future harm from others...and persistently taking my DH's statements as the truth, not his truth...and made most of them about me.

    Didn't know how to discern one from the other...nor stay aware and mindful of what was in my control and what wasn't (never was or will be)...which IS others' stuff.

    I was so focused on lack, I didn't see myself standing in abundance...I felt discounted, tossed aside, unheard and used.

    When I finally owned my stuff...I found how much I discounted myself, tossed aside, didn't listen to and used myself to get from others what was already there within myself. I was stunned. Really shocked. Something clicked deep inside of me...what I was choosing to experience wasn't going to earn my DH's love, gratitude, support, friendship or desire. Love cannot be earned, really. It's a choice we make and choose to act from our choice to love.

    Here I was verbally wrestling my DH to get out of him what I would not provide myself at all. He felt controlled, invaded, taken over...and constantly inadequate. Same stuff he initially was attracted to me for...he thought I would be the one to reach past his barriers and really touch him.

    Happens all the time, btw. I'm not special nor is he. A great book that came to mind when I read what you wrote about Phil's background is "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. Why not love yourself and get it after the rush of the holidays...see what you think of IMAGO therapy...and unravel some of what you keep re-experiencing...so you can heal thoroughly from the pain from your whole life?

    And post when you get a chance...your honesty is terrific...will lead you to believing in yourself as I already do...and I bet, many others in your life do as well. When you face only two options for actions, odds are, you're not seeing the fifty in between. We aren't all or nothing...it's not all stay or go...there are so many choices in between. You made one with DecisionHouse...and another in your post here...and another, when you went to MarriageBuilders. Keep going, discovering, investigating...seeing your choices clearly...going for clarity, not cures, 'k?

    Because you aren't broken. You really aren't. Nor is Phil. You're two humans in a human marriage.

    LA
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