Mary Joe: You know this all reminds me of general Custard, My Uncle Duke's, Three legged Collie. He wasn't born that way. See, the General liked to pick fights with lawnmowers. Because, as far as he was concerned a lawnmower was just a bigger louder Dog! So...when the...Inevitable happened with...Aunt Nettie's grass king. (Everyone grimaces) Well, The Vet just wanted to put General Custard to sleep but Uncle Duke would not hear of it! We had that Dog around for Years!
B.J.: Now Mary Joe, my mama had one of those..Teacup Poodles called Juju, I swear that thing lived to be 35 years old. But for the last five years of her life, My Mama kept Juju in a crib in Pampers. Now I have not lived a sheltered life and I have seen A lot! But there is nothing sadder then a poodle in diapers.
Julia: (talking about Euthanizeing pets) Maybe one reason it's so painful is...People know their gonna die and animals have no way of knowing that.
Bernice: Pixie Clifton knew, that's why she pecked so hard at that Tent!
Bernice: I feel so sorry for that Princess Diana.
B.J.: Boy, I don't. The way I figure it, if you're going to marry a man who looks like a horse, you gotta expect some manure.
Julia: B.J.! That's a terrible thing to say.
B.J.: I'll tell you what, I bet the only thing the Queen carries in that jumbo size pocket book of hers is sugar cubes and carrots to keep her kids happy.
Carlene: Well my heart really bleeds for Princess Diana. The saddest part is that she married Charles because she really loved him, but he only married her because she was the last virgin left in England.
Julia: I've heard enough about Diana! Yes, she's the future queen of England, and yes she may have a bad marriage and be little more than a royal brood mare, but the fact of the matter is, the woman is entitled to some privacy. Carlene, if you call that number (To hear the Princess' sex tapes), all you'll be doing is perpetuating this repulsive media circus.
Carlene: So, you're saying you don't want to listen?
Some sources credit Dee LaDuke and Mark Alton Brown as writers.