Desperate Housewives

Gabrielle: (About the baseball) So, you see, it belonged to my husband's grandfather and if I don't get it back I'm telling you, I'm gonna be in the crapper. Secretary: (Translating to her Italian boss) Questo è un cimelio di famiglia. Se questa signora non lo ritrova finirà nel "crapper". Businessman: Per nulla! Gabrielle: (Happily) "Per nulla"? What does that mean? Secretary: "Per nulla" means "No way". I'm sorry. Gabrielle: Please! This is important! Businessman: (To his secretary, referring to Gabrielle) Lei è molto attraente. Secretary: (To her boss) So quello che stai pensando! Non lo fare! Businessman: (To his secretary) Fallo! Io voglio che lei balli! Secretary: Va bene, va bene! Gabrielle: What's he saying? Secretary: He'd like to watch you dance. Gabrielle: What? Secretary: On the table. Gabrielle: Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna have to call a big fat "per nulla" on that one!

Gabrielle: (Sees Carlos hugging their daughters, crying) Carlos, what's wrong? Carlos: (Referring to the girls) Gaby, I can see them. Gabrielle: What? Carlos: I can make out colors and shapes, and everything is starting to coming focus! Gabrielle: Oh my God! That's wonderful (They all hug)

Tom: You're my rock Lynette, you know that, don't you? Lynette: Tom, your rock is trying to get fingerprints off a weapon. Do you mind?

(Carlos is talking to Bree and Susan during a party to congratulate him for getting his sight back) Carlos: Everything is still a little blurry. I can only make out, like, shapes and shadows. But in a week or so, everything should be clear as a bell. Susan: Wow. The whole thing's like a miracle. Carlos: And Gaby has been so patient through all of this. She's really been an angel. Gabrielle: Damn it, Carlos! What are you, a moron? Carlos: Ah, I hear a little voice from heaven now. Gabrielle: Why aren't you wearing your blackout glasses? The doctor says your eyes can't be exposed to any light. I can only handle my husband going blind once per marriage.

Bree: You're living with the man? Since when? Andrew: Um, Alex moved in six months ago. Bree: Why the secrecy? Did you think I'd disapprove? The man's a doctor, for heaven sakes. You've done better than I did. Orson: That was a bit of a drive-by. Bree: I'm just trying to understand how my son could keep a secret like this from his own mother. Andrew: Mom, uh, come on. I mean, since I came out, you haven't shown the slightest interest in my love life. Bree: Of course I have. Andrew: Handing me a pamphlet on the resurgence of gonorrhea? That's not what I'm talking about.

Bob: If we can verify your story, I can probably get the charges dropped. We wouldn't even need bail. So where were you? Porter: I was at Edie Britt's. Tom: Oh please. Tell me you're not having sex with her too. Porter: Dad. Tom: What is wrong with girls your own age? Do you know what I would give to date a 17 year old? Lynette: Okay, we're going to talk about that later. You were saying? Porter: I'm not having sex with Edie. After I left the club, I went to her house, but only so I could break in and steal her gun. Lynette: Why would you do that? Porter: Mr. Schilling beat up Anne and then humiliated me. I wanted to scare the hell out of him, just to wipe that smug look off his face, but when I got back to the club it was on fire, so I went home and hid the gun in mums flour jar. Anyway, that's my alibi. Think that will help? Lynette: Did anyone see you do this? Porter: No. Lynette: Then this is really not an alibi, it's more a confession, to another crime.

Bree: You're going to marry him. I thought he wasn't being honest with you. I wanted to protect you, so I... Andrew: So you decided to meddle in my love life? Bree: Yes. Andrew: You know what mom, this might be about the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

Dave: (to two tombstones) I know it must seem like I've forgotten about you, but you have to know I think about you every day. I live for you, just like always. But I have a plan. So I hope you can wait a little longer. I'll be with you soon. But first, Mike Delfino has to pay for taking you away from me. And I need just the right moment to do it. He destroyed what I loved the most and I want him to feel that hurt. I want him to lose what I lost.

Mary Alice: It's an awful thing to live in darkness, unable to see what others take for granted; but if we are lucky the darkness leaves and we can finally see the secret sacrifices made by our wives, the surprising progress made by our mothers or the unintended consequences of our own actions, but there are those who prefer the darkness because there they see only what they choose to see.

Mary Alice: It's an awful thing to live in the dark, unable to see what others take for granted, but sometimes for a lucky few a flicker of light purses that darkness and brings with it the promise of better days to come.

Lynette: (To Preston) Sit your ass down. Preston: Dad, make mom let me go. Tom: Everyone at this table who thinks I have the power to make your mom do anything? Raise your hand. (Nobody raises hand; and then he looks to Preston) I wish I could've helped.

Mary Alice: One morning it occurred to Lynette Scavo she could not remember the last time her family had breakfast together. So Lynette did what any other mother would do in that situation: she threatened her family with violence. (Two cops come and arrest Porter) Lynette Scavo couldn't remember the last time her family had breakfast together and she couldn't know it would be many years before the family would have breakfast together again.

(Bree puts the porn DVD on the counter.) Andrew: Now where did you get that? Bree: A video store I will never return to.

Bree (talking about Alex): The man is going to marry my son. If there is something about him I should know, I want to hear it, now. Please. Bob: We think we saw him in an adult movie. Bree: By adult do you mean complex and sophisticated? Lee: No, we mean gay porn.

Lynette (removing a gun from a jar of flour): Tom, if you're going to freak out, can you do that in the other room? I'm kind of busy here.