Desperate Housewives

Edie: Julie, sweetie. You're a good girl. Do yourself a favor and stay away from my nephew. Julie: Trust me, I have no interest in swaggering, muscle-bound juvenile delinquents. Edie: Honey, that's what every good girl says, just before she becomes a bad girl. Trust me, I know.

Mary Alice (ending narration): We all carry something with us. Of course, it's nice if we travel with someone who can help lighten the load. But usually, it's easier to just drop what we've been carrying, so we can get home that much sooner... Assuming, of course, there will be someone there to greet us when we arrive. Why do we clutch at this baggage, even when we're desperate to move on? Because we all know there's a chance... We might let go too soon.

(Ian knocks on Susan's door after she told him she slept with 11 guys.) Susan: Take a number I'm with a client.

Mary Alice: Orson Hodge dreamed of the perfect honeymoon. Indeed, he'd begun planning it the moment Bree Van De Kamp agreed to marry him. They'd start by flying first class, to an exclusive 5-star hotel, where they'd spend their days by the pool, and their nights making love. And when they returned home, their perfect honeymoon would continue... forever.

Gabrielle: How could you do this to me? I never would've let you seduce me if I knew you were getting married! John: Well you didn't have any problems sleeping with me when you were married. Gabrielle: You knew about Carlos, my cheating was upfront and honest!

(Susan just told Ian that she's slept with 11 men in her life.) Ian: Where are you going? Susan: To bed! Alone! You know, it's always something I wanted to try, but I've never got around.

(Tom is on the phone with Lynette) Tom: I can barely sit up. The kids are running wild. I need you to come up here. Lynette: Why don't you take a muscle relaxer? Tom: I've already taken two, they're not working. Lynette: Well, why don't you give them to the kids? Tom: Lynette! ... Parker! For the last time, put DOWN the DAMN AXE! Lynette: Oh... alright, I'll be there as soon as I can.

Orson: (to Andrew) . I know about rage. I know how it eats you up. But rage goes away, and when it does, you're just left with the mess you've made.

(Gabrielle gets out of the suitcase she's been hiding in.) Gabrielle: (leaving the elevator) Don't laugh. I saved a bundle on airfare.

(Bree and Orson are leaving to go find Andrew. Orson has only just found out Bree left him on the side of the road) Danielle: You know, Andrew is not the only one having a rough year. I'm the one whose boyfriend got shot right in front of her. (Orson looks at Bree stunned) Bree: (to Orson) We'll... talk in the car.

Nora: You think I'm crazy. Lynette: No! You're colorful... Colorful in a way that might respond to medication.

Ian: Well, there are... There are two bedrooms. One is mine... And there's a guest room. Susan: A guest room. That, well, that's handy. Ian: Yeah. Uh, unless, of course, you'd like to sleep in my room... In which case, I would take the guest room. Susan: Oh! I... uh, no, no! I should take the guest room because I am the guest.

Bree: Some reporter. All she could tell me was what neighborhood they found him in. They don't have any contact information, no phone number, no address. Orson: If he had an address, he would not be homeless.

(On the airport after Bree saw a report on TV about homeless teenagers) Orson: Bree, what's the matter? Bree: A reporter just did a story on homeless teens, and my son was one of them. Orson: Oh, my God. Well, we'll call child welfare the minute we get to the resort. Bree: Orson, you can't imagine that we're still going! Orson: Darling, the tickets are nonrefundable. Bree: My son is eating out of dumpsters! Orson: Yes, but think how much better you'll be able to deal with this crisis after a nice, relaxing... Bree: Orson! My child is in trouble. Don't make me choose between the two of you, because believe me, you will lose.

Mary Alice: We all carry something with us. Of course, it's nice if we travel with someone who can help lighten the load. But usually, it's easier to just drop what we've been carrying, so we can get home that much sooner... Assuming, of course, there will be someone there to greet us when we arrive. Why do we clutch at this baggage, even when we're desperate to move on? Because we all know there's a chance... we might let go too soon.

John: Gabrielle. Gabrielle: God! That's the first time I think you ever called me by my first name.

Nora: But it's not your life. You're life's perfect.. Lynette: Excuse me? Did you smoke that bong before you beat the guy with it? Nora: It's just...You have it all! You have the kids, you have the career. You have the husband. You're super mom Lynette: And you think that's easy? Okay I have a good life yes, yes I am very lucky, but I work 12 hours a day and then I come home to what seems like 33 children and a husband who refuses to get a job. Believe me there's not a super-mom out there who wouldn't trade in her cape for a chance to read a book and get a massage from a man that has the decency to leave when it's over!

Lynette My favorite game is counting all the things I'm dying to say to you, but I don't...like...pipe down you annoying nutjob. I'd never say that.

Ian: Well you know my number, it's only fair. Is it more than three? Susan: Nine Ian: Please tell me you're answering in German... Susan: Nine lovers is not a lot! Nine lovers does not make me a slut! Ian: Why are you getting upset? Susan: Because it was really 11 and I knocked off two and you're still judging me! Ian: I'm not judging you it's just... Did you work in the recording industry?

Lynette: God, I hate my life Gaby: I know, I wouldn't trade with you for anything