Desperate Housewives

We see a man named Victor jogging and another man approaches him and passes him by because he is faster.

"Competition, it means different things to different people. In suburbia it means keeping up with the Joneses (Victor starts running faster hopping that he will him by), on Wisteria Lane that means keeping up with Bree Van De Kamp. (We see Bree's lawn and she is tending to her flowers) Everyone knew that Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood and no one be grudged her this. No one that is except Martha Huber (We see Martha and her lawn has a pale green color and compared to Bree's it is very poor) whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed, or how lovingly she watered, or how generously she fertilized (we see her doing every single thing of that) the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence."

Victor approaches her and she asks him how he is today. He can't breathe and she asks him if he would like a slurp from her hose and he nods. She goes to bring him over the hose but he collapses. She tells him that she will call the ambulance right away.

"Then one day Mrs. Huber finally got the chance to mow down the competition."

She puts Victor in a sidecar and brings him over to the Bree's lawn and throws him out on Bree's flowers. She hides the sidecar and then starts screaming for help. Bree comes out of the house and Martha tells her that Victor collapsed on her hydrangeas and tells her to call 911.

Ambulance comes and picks Victor up but they completely devastate her lawn and flowers are ruined and grass destroyed. Bree all looks upon that in horror.

"Yes, Mrs. Huber understood the first rule of competition. In order to win you have to want it more. (Martha waters her lawn and just smiles to Bree)"



"When I was alive, my friends and I came together once a month for a meeting of the Wisteria Lane book club. (Everyone and a couple of other ladies are in Bree's house discussing Gustave Flaubert's Madame Bovary).

We found the problems of literary characters so absorbing, the way they dealt with adversity (Lynette takes her ADD pill), conducted illicit affairs (Gabrielle walks by and touches John on his back) endured domestic dramas (Rex goes to work while Bree is still arguing with him) and planned romantic conquests (Susan circles on her calendar "The date with Mike" is today). But since my death my friends had lost their interest in fiction. Their own problems had become absorbing enough."

One woman called Reba asks what did everybody think and Lynette tells her that she finds Bovary's character inspirational. Reba tells her that she poisoned herself with arsenic. Gabrielle is surprised by that fact and Reba finds out that she is the only one that has read the book and asks everyone what is the purpose of the book club if they don't read the book. Susan tells her that she saw the movie and it was really good. Bree asks if anyone would like more wine and they all nod and then asks Reba, Emma and Laurie to help her with the snacks in the kitchen. They go in and Bree closes the door telling them that she will be right there in a second. They all gather around and Bree wants to know everything because Lynette told her that Susan found Zach. Susan tells them that he is at the rehabilitation center and Julie snuck in and talked to him. Lynette wants to know if he told her why Mary Alice killed herself and Susan tells her that there wasn't enough time but he said that something happened to someone named Dana and he can never ever talk about it. Nobody knows who Dana is. Dana has to do something with Mary Alice's secret. Lynette points out that someone found out about the secret and sent the note. But they still don't know who sent the note.



Paul and detective are doing some research and now on the paper. They compare the papers to the note and it is number 17 100% cotton made by Cypress Office Products. They have stores in 12 cities including Fairview. He traced the postmark and it is sent from the local post meaning that the blackmailer is someone he already knows, a neighbor or a friend. He tells him that one lady poisoned half of the homecoming committee an Paul asks her if he had caught her and detective tells him that he wasn't hired to catch her and walks away.



Lynette is cleaning the house and Tom points out that it is spotless and tells her that he came up with the idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign. Tom tells her that Peterson always cut his idea in front of the partners and so he invited partners and his wives over here for dinner to talk to them first about his idea. Lynette wants to know when this dinner for six will take place and he tells her that it will be day after tomorrow.

She tells him that it will be hard to pull that thing and Tom tells her that Bree always manages. Lynette is in shock and Tom apologizes and tells her that he will cancel the dinner but she tells him that they will go through with it because it is good for his career. He goes upstairs and she goes to take ADD medication.

"Luckily for Tom, Lynette had a recipe for success. (She goes to take ADD medication but the little bottle is empty) Unfortunately for her she was missing the secret ingredient."



John is tending to Gabrielle's lawn while Juanita is looking at him. His cell phone rings and it is Gabrielle. She is on the balcony but he can't turn around because Juanita will become suspicious. She tells him to meet her in motel in an hour and he tells her that he has plans. She tells him to cancel them and he tells her that they are with Danielle and they are going to the movies and Gabrielle points out that it is a date and he tells her that it is and she tells him that she has a problem with him seeing other girls and he tells her (turning around to look at her) that he has a problem with her having a husband and they both have to learn to deal. He hangs up. Gabrielle goes to the bathroom while throwing her cell on her bed. John's cell is ringing again and it is Mrs. Solis again and he answers and tells immediately to her that she don't have to even think about talking dirty because it won't work but it is Juanita on the phone. She hangs up and puts the mobile where she found it.



Rex and Bree are at the principal Stark office. She tells them that Andrew entertained his friends by shoving freshman's head into the locker and he broke the boys' nose and because of their no tolerance policy Andrew may face expulsion. Rex asks her if they are going to ruin his whole future with a little rough housing and Bree tells him that it was an assault. Rex tells to the principal that what Andrew did was wrong but in his defense he tells her that Bree and he are going through sever marital problems. Bree is shocked and Rex tells her that because of that Andrew has every right to be angry. Bree tells him that if Andrew is angry about him moving out of the house then maybe he should shove his head into the locker. Rex tells her that they need to take some of the responsibility for Andrew's actions. Bree tells him that just because they are going through some problems, and then tells politely to the principal that they are not so serious. Rex tells her that they are serious and Bree tells Mrs. Stark to do with Andrew however she sees it the best way. Rex tells her that he went to attorney today and she will be served with divorce papers later today. Bree is in shock and tells him that the attorney better be good because when she is finish with him he won't have a cent on his name. Principal, clearly in shock, tells them that Andrew will have detention.



Susan is preparing for night with Mike and Julie points out that she is looking way too hot and asks her if she has protection and Susan is in shock and tells her that they won't have this conversation. Julie tells her that she likes being the only child and she always thought that she will have sex before Susan had it again. Julie leaves the room while Susan is putting a make up.

Mike is in his house ready for romantic dinner and someone is in front of his house knocking on the door. He opens the door and it is Kendra. He is in shock while she just smiles and says hi.

Susan is going to Mike's house while Edie is putting a "For sale" sign on the lawn of Young house. Susan says hi to her and Edie points out that she looks so pretty that she hardly recognized her. Susan tells her that she has a date with Mike right now and tells her FYI that they kissed. She goes to Mike's house and he opens the door and tells her that he has to cancel because he has an unexpected house guest. Kendra comes through and introduces herself to Susan and she goes to car to get her stuff. Mike tells her that she is an old friend but Susan wants an explanation and he tells her that it is complicated. He goes inside.

She tries to get to her house unnoticed but Edie asks her how her big date was and Susan tells her that Mike had to reschedule and Edie tells her FYI that it is because of the hot chick with the suitcase.



Edie is with Paul and she leaves her file on the table and she tells him that he will have to disclose the fact that his wife killed herself in the house. He wants to move out of here fast and she tells him that it is legal stuff because people get freaked out because of the suicide and she can't blame them because she gets the willies just standing there. Paul wants to know if there is any way to get that off the record and she tells him that they can say that she shot herself in the living room and then crawled out back to die. Paul is not pleased with the idea and Edie tells him that she has to go. She takes her bag and walks away but she forgot her file. Paul notices the paper sticking out of the file and it is the same one sent to Mary Alice.

"Paul had always known Edie Britt was capable of doing anything to close a deal. But now he realized (he compares the papers and they are identical) she was capable of so much more."



Danielle is coming home from school and Gabrielle passes her by jogging but then asks her if she remembers when she told her that she wanted to be a model. Danielle is surprised because that was last summer. Gabrielle tells her that Percik Modeling Academy has a summer opening and asks Danielle if she would like her to sponsor her. Danielle is so happy because she would so like to go to New York and Bree tells her that she would so love to help her get there.



Lynette is in the park and she approaches Jordana and asks her if she has any ADD medication that she can give her. Jordana tells her that she is also running low because her sister is coming in for a week and Lynette points out that she would like of her sisters to visit her more often. She asks her for three or four pills because she is hitting a wall here. Jordana tells her that the calm down can be a bitch. Lynette tells her that she won't forget about this and it means that when she with little Tina to scout meeting they won't be home.



Van De Kamp's are all gathered together and Andrew wants to know what it is all about. Rex tells them that they had problems for a while and after a lot of soul searching they decided that it was best to divorce. Bree tells them that it doesn't change the fact that they both love them very much. Andrew asks them if he can live with Rex because Bree is driving him crazy. Bree asks Danielle if she would like to live with Rex and she tells her that she doesn't care as long as she has her own bathroom. Bree tells them that the wine is giving her a headache and she goes away.



Kendra is looking the map and files that Mike collected and she is not pleased with the progress made through six weeks. Mike tells her that there are 300 families in the subdivision and it will take time to check them all out. Kendra tells him that it is a gigantic waste of his time and her father's money. Mike tells her if she is afraid that her old man will burn down her inheritance and she tells him that it is not funny. Kendra tells him that her dad can't chase ghosts alone and if he quits he will have to accept that it is over. Mike tells her that he will just hire someone else and Kendra tells him that he won't unless he tells him that there is nothing here to find. He tells her that he can't do that and he looks across the street and sees Lynette and Susan sorting stuff out in the garage. Kendra asks him what will happen when Susan finds out who he really is.



Susan found something that will help Lynette make the dinner. And while doing that she also went through the yellow blanket. Susan points out that Lynette looks tired and Lynette tells her that she is fine and starts going home but then Susan notices "Dana" embroidery on the blanket and tells Lynette. Lynette asks her where did that came from and Susan tells her from Paul Young garage sale. Lynette points out that Dana was a baby.



Rex and the kids are in front of the house. He bought sweet convertible car for Andrew and luggage for Danielle to take it to the modeling academy. Bree goes out and wants to know what is going on with that modeling academy. Danielle tells her that Gabrielle is sponsoring her and Rex thinks that it is a great idea. Bree is mad because she doesn't know about it and she points out that Rex is buying their love with presents. Bree tells them that they can't accept those gifts and Rex tells her that it is time to spoil them a little bit and he will give them anything he wants. He gives Andrew the keys and he and Danielle go for a ride a little bit. Bree sees Gabrielle returning home and goes over to talk to her.

She wants to know if she offered Danielle to go into modeling school. Gabrielle tells her that she just wanted to help out and Bree tells her that it is in New York and Gabrielle asks her if she wants Danielle to be happy and Bree tells her that she doesn't and in future she would prefer if she would keep her stupid ideas to herself and walks away. John overheard all of the conversation and he gives a mad look at Gabrielle.

She follows him to the garage and he points out that she is jealous of Danielle and that is why she offered to help so she can get rid of her. Gabrielle tells her that she doesn't like to share and John tells her that he quits everything. Gabrielle tells him not to be that way and he asks her what the point is if they won't be together ever. She tells him that the relationship they had deserves a proper goodbye and tells him that she will slip out tonight from Carlos' black-tie meeting and they would end on a good note. Juanita is by the garage and she heard all of the conversation and she is smiling victoriously.



Lynette is with some lady and she is at her house and kids are playing. The lady tells her that her kids are the only one that can tire out Timmy. Lynette tells her that she heard that Timmy has ADD and lady tells her that he has. Lynette asks her if she can use her bathroom.

Lynette is in the bathroom and she uses Timmy's ADD.

"As Lynette swallowed the stolen medication of an 8 year old child she vowed that she would never again sink to such depths … (she takes a couple of more pills and puts them in the pocket)…anytime soon."



Detective Mr. Shaw and Paul are together. They are examining the papers and Shaw tells him that he has the blackmailer meaning Edie. Paul tells him that the police is not an option and before Mary Alice killed herself they had wonderful meaningful life. They were good people. Shaw tells him that time will take to heal the wounds and Paul tells him that he can't wait. Shaw tells him that for five grand she is hurt and for ten she is gone.



Andrew and Danielle are back home and they see all their stuff in front of the house. They ask Bree what is going on and she tells them that she is throwing them out. She separated things into two sides one Danielle's the other Andrew's. Danielle asks her where will they live and Bree tells them that she doesn't care and then explains that on the north side are books and clothes and on the south side are miscellaneous items. Andrew tells her that he won't give up his car and she tells him that he will have to sleep in it for a while. Danielle tells her that she can't stop them from going inside the house and she points out to Mr. Conlan the locksmith. Bree offers to give them the new keys but they will have to hear and obey her rules and the one is returning back Rex's gifts. Danielle tells her that she won and Bree gives her the keys but Andrew goes away.



Edie is having an open house; Young's house is on sale. Kendra and Mike are going to check it out and he tells her that he had hard time getting into this house and she is still very upset. As he passes Edie by he tells Kendra that he will take her to Saddle Ranch tonight and Kendra wants to know why and Mike tells her that that is the last place anyone ever saw her sister.

Susan approaches and Edie asks her what she wants and Susan tells her that she wants to say goodbye to Mary Alice's house. Edie tells her that that almost sounds plausible. Edie tells her that she knows why she is here and tells her that the answer is yes Mike and Kendra are having sex. Susan tells her that they are just friends and Edie tells her that she overheard them talking and they are going to Saddle Ranch for drinking and dancing and Susan again points out that friends can do that. Edie tells her that sometimes she just wants to slap her and shake her.

Susan and Edie are at Saddle Ranch and Susan points out that there is nothing going on between Mike and Kendra. Susan tells her that she is going home and Edie tells her that she was rooting for her because it would be much easier to steal Mike from her then it is from Kendra.



Gabrielle is complaining about stomach pains and that she can't go to dinner with Carlos. She is faking stomachache and Juanita tells Carlos that they can go alone to dinner and they go.



Susan is back from bathroom and Edie is riding a bull (the fake bull at the Saddle Ranch) and everyone is looking at her and now Susan knows that Mike will notice her for sure. Edie throws her hat to Susan and she catches it and Mike approaches her. Susan is trying to lie to him that she came here to ride a bull and she is not following him. She is also pissed off because he is so secretive about Kendra and he tells her that they are friends and she tells him that she is here to ride a bull. The guy heard that and he shouts that they have another one for riding a bull. She is all clumsy and stuff but when she sees Kendra she unbuttons her shirt and throws her bag and starts dancing a bit and then near the bull she throws her hat and hits the guy who is controlling the bull and he accidentally presses the ON button and bull starts to work and kicks Susan in the head. Susan falls down and everyone is in shock.



Andrew is at Rex's apartment and Andrew tells him that Bree wants him out and Rex tells him that staying with Bree is a part of agreement. Andrew wants to live with Rex and Rex tells him that he doesn't have a choice and he has to live with his mother.

Andrew goes to his car and calls Heath and asks him if he has his fake ID and tells him that he needs it because he is going home to kiss his mothers ass and he won't do it sober.



It is dinner meeting at Scavo's and Lynette is preparing a desert that looks wonderful. When one of the ladies asks her if she needs help Lynette tells them that she has it covered. Tom is up and he is about to tell them his brilliant idea for spotless scrubs. Tom tells them that they need to place the ad somewhere where women spend the majority of their time and he tells them that they need to put it in the large chain grocery store. They say all that it is a good idea but then Lynette tells them that they should put it on the dry cleaning bags. They hang in the closet forever and it is like constant advertising. They all like the idea so much but Tom is mad at her. She starts talking more about the advertising.

"While Lynette was commanding everyone's attention… Susan was trying to remain inconspicuous (Susan is at Saddle Ranch and she is feeling terrible)"



Susan asks if everyone is looking and Mike tells her that just the fans are still looking. Kendra brings over the beer. Mike tells her that Kendra is his friend and she is leaving tomorrow. Kendra tells her that it is true. Mike goes somewhere and Kendra asks her how long they have been seeing each other and Susan tells her that she interrupted their first date. Kendra tells her that it is good to take it slow and she is smart for being careful. Susan asks her if she has a reason and Kendra tells her that Mike is a wonderful guy but she should ask him why he moved to Wisteria Lane…it is one hell of the story. Mike brings Susan some ice for her face.

Detective Shaw enters the Saddle and approaches Edie. She offers him a seat.



Gabrielle and John just finished having sex. Juanita is getting out of the taxi and tells the driver to wait her by the corner as she will be right out. Juanita enters the room and takes the photo of Gabrielle and John kissing. She just walks away. John is panicking while Gabrielle slowly gets out of the bad and starts packing her stuff. John goes to stop her because of the camera. They go outside and she is running away from him but then when she is on the street car hits her and Gabrielle sees that from her window. (She was obviously hit by Andrew)

Gabrielle goes in front of her house and tells John to go home and he was never here. She will take care of this. She approaches Juanita, unconscious, and takes the camera. The taxi driver approaches and Gabrielle tells him to call 911.

Andrew is back home with his car and the left light is broken. He is crying and he is in shock.



"As Juanita teetered dangerously close to the white light, Lynette and Tom were headed into a black hole."

Lynette and Tom are arguing and Lynette tells him that she was just participating. He tells her that her participation was dinner not to make his idea look bad. Lynette tells him that he needs better idea and then apologizes for saying that. Tom tells her that she never stopped telling him how she made more money then he is before they had children and she is still competing with him. Lynette tells him that she is participating with Bree's of the world with their spotless kitchens and their wonderful children and parties and she can't keep up; and now when he brought those people here she was reminded of the world where she was the winner and people tried to keep up with her. Tom tells her that the dinner was amazing and he doesn't know how she pulled it and tells her that everyone who knows her thinks that she is a great wife and mother especially him. He asks her what is wrong with her eyes and she tells him that she is fine. They hear the ambulance car and they go outside to see what is going on. They approach Juanita's body and Bree tells Lynette and Tom to take care of Gabrielle because she has to go home to get something.

She is back home and Andrew is there crying and he calls her. Bree now knows that he is the one that hit Juanita. She calls Rex and tells him that something has happened and they need him. Danielle holds Andrew's hand.



"Competition, it means different things to different people (Kendra and Mike are leaving Saddle Ranch leaving Susan behind) but whether it's a friendly rivalry (Susan puts ice on her face), or fight to the death (Shaw and Edie drink together), the end result is the same. (Juanita is taken to the hospital) there will be winners (Gabrielle looks at the ambulance car) and there will be losers (Lynette watches herself in the mirror and she is holding the pills in her hand). (Rex parks the car in the garage) Of course the trick is to know which battle to fight. You see no victory comes without a price. (Bree and Rex close the garage door and checks if anyone saw the car…it is all clear)"



Written by vukcevic