Desperate Housewives

Paul: Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do. Edie: Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house. Paul: I am? Edie: Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame them. Hell, I get the willies just standing here. Paul: Is there any way to get around it? Edie: Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. (Paul gives her a weird look) Well, I'm just saying!

Mike: I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend. Susan: Old friend? Mike: Yeah, you know... Susan: Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning? Mike: It's hard to explain. Susan: Could you give it a shot?

Detective: The stationary is particle 17, 100% cotton. It is made by Cyprus Office Products. In stores in twelve cities, including yours. We traced that postmark back to your local post office. Paul: Meaning? Detective: Meaning that the blackmailer is probably someone you know. A neighbor, milkman, pool boy, soccer mom... Paul: Soccer mom? Detective: Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a mini van. I had this gig once, tracking down this PTA mom, was hell-bent on landing her daughter a spot on the parade float. Fed anti-freeze to half the homecoming committee. Paul: Did you catch her? Detective: Mr. Young, the people who hired me didn't hire me to catch her.

Woman: So, what did everybody think? Lynette: I thought the character of Madame Bovary was ... very inspirational. Woman: Inspirational? She poisons herself with arsenic. Lynette: Really? Woman: You didn't read until the end? Lynette: I stopped after page 50. Woman: Am I the only one who read the book? Susan: I saw the movie. It was really good. Woman: Ladies! I'm sorry, but wh-wh-what is the point of having a book club if we don't read the book?

Edie: (speaking about Mike and his female friend) I heard they are going to the Saddle Ranch tonight. Susan: So friends can do that. Edie: Oh my God. I just want to slap and shake you.

Mary Alice: Competition. It means different things to different people. In Suburbia, it means keeping up with the Jones's. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van de Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood. And no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Huber, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed...or how lovingly she watered...or how generously she fertilized...the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence.

Julie: Mom, you're getting too dressed up. Susan: I know, but I wanna look really sexy. Julie: I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven. Susan: Hmm. How about midnight? Julie: All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection? Susan: Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation. Julie: We are because I enjoy being an only child. Susan: Are you finished? Julie: Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again. Susan: Okay, you can leave now.

Edie: Hey, how was your big date? Susan: Mike had to reschedule. Edie: Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh how devastating for you. FYI.

Mary Alice: Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it's a friendly rivalry...or a fight to the death...the end result is the same. There will be winners...and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price.

Edie: For the record, I was rooting for you to land him. Susan: And why would you root for me? Edie: Well, I figured it would be easier for me to steal Mike from you than her - she seems like fun!

Gabrielle: Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you? Danielle: Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me? Gabrielle: I sure would. Danielle: I would so love to go to New York. Gabrielle: Oh, and I would so love to help you get there.

Susan: Hey, Edie! Edie: Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you. Susan: Oh this? Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI.

Gabrielle: I have a problem with you seeing other girls. John: Well, I have a problem with you having a husband. I guess we'll both have to learn to deal.

Bree: If Andrew's angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker.

John: You're so jealous of Danielle you try to ship her off to New York? Gabrielle: I'm not jealous, I just don't like to share.