Desperate Housewives

Gabrielle: You're such a good guy Carlos. I really hate that about you! Carlos (smiles): I know...

Andrew: You know those animals who eat their young? Even they have more maternal instinct than Danielle. Bree: Then why would she want the child? Andrew: You've known her how long, and you still haven't figured out how that lentil she calls a brain works? Orson: There's no need to insult your sister. Bree: Let him talk. Andrew: All right, Danielle cares about three things. Danielle, fun, and, uh... Wait. I was wrong. It's just two.

(Gabrielle is about to get in bed with Carlos, there's knocking on the door.) Gabrielle: My chili cheese fries! (to the door) just a second. (It's John) John: Gabrielle? It's me, John. Carlos: (looking at Gabrielle) John? John Who? Gabrielle: Ah, okay. You know that old friend I ran into in the lobby? It might've been John Rowland. Maybe, I'm not sure!

Gabrielle: (to Carlos) Six months? Nobody takes that long to heal anymore, it's a breakup, not a face-lift.

(Bree offered Phyllis to come to their club to baby-sit the baby) Phyllis: How will you explain me to your friends? Bree: I'll say that you're broke and needed the money. Phyllis: Can't you just say that you like having me around? Bree: I need something that will fly, Phyllis.

Carlos: I've decided that it's time for me to forgive you, for sleeping with my wife. John: You know, I didn't just sleep with Gabby, I fell in love with her. Carlos: I forgive you for that too. John: Why are you doing this? You in some kind of a 12-step program? Carlos: (smiles) Let's just say I recently learned how loving someone makes you forget the difference between right and wrong.

Gabrielle: John Rowland did not do anything to you that you're not doing to Victor. Carlos: You can't even compare the two, it's completely different. Gabrielle: Is it? Mr. Man in the Closet? Yeah you heard me. Who's John Rowland now?

Gabrielle: Seriously John, you've got to get outta here. John: No, please, I need to be with you. Gabrielle: What about your wife? John: You met her, she's dumb, demanding, totally self-centered, especially in bed. I mean, she's awful. Gabrielle: Awfully pregnant. John: I know, I'm completely trapped, just like you were with Mr. Solis. (Carlos is watching from the closet) Gabrielle: Wha…? I wasn't trapped. John: What do you mean? All you ever talk about is what a selfish pig he was. Gabrielle: I think you're paraphrasing.

Mary Alice: The odd-looking boxes were delivered to the home of Bob Hunter and Lee McDermott early on a Tuesday morning. It wasn't long before worthman had opened them and began assembling the various parts and pieces. Happily, it only took three hours to turn the contents into a finished work of art. Sadly, it only took fifteen minutes for the residents of Wisteria Lane, to become art critics.

(The residents of Wisteria Lane discuss Bob and Lee's fountain) Gabrielle: What the hell is it? Susan: I think it's a sculpture. Mrs. McCluskey: I think it's crap. Bree: Of all the gay men in the world we have to get the two without taste. Katherine: What are we going to do about this? Gabrielle: I say we keep smiling and look for the hidden cameras, I think where about to get Punk'd.

Katherine: Thank you ladies. I so appreciate your input, and I think we can all agree that the fountain has no place on our street. Ida: Yeah, we gotta show those gays we mean business. Susan: Ida, again the issue is not Bob and Lee being gay. It's the fountain. Ida: Can't it be both?

Susan: Okay, before we become an ugly mob, why doesn't one of us go talk to the guys? But not me, they hate me. Mrs McCluskey: Bree, you talk to them, you can relate to them. Bree: Why would you say that? Mrs McCluskey: You've got a kid that came flying out of the closet and a husband that's been looking for the door knob.

Bob: Hello Katherine, here about the fountain? Katherine: Yes, but don't worry, there's no strict deadline. You can have it removed at your earliest convenience. Bob: Yeah, I don't think it's going anywhere. Katherine: Oh boys, boys. The war is over. Lee: Yes it is. We know all about Chicago. Katherine: Come again. Bob: My ex is on the board of Chicago Memorial Hospital. Lee: It seems your husband made quite a stir there, whole hospital still buzzing about what he did. Katherine: Whatever you heard, it's a vicious lie. Every word of it. Bob: Still, it was enough to make you leave town. Which begs the question, do you like living here? Lee: Oh good, we're in agreement, the fountain stays. Bob: Thanks for stopping by, Katherine.

Edie: I've had a lot of men in my life, but I never let myself fall in love before. I thought it was because I didn't want to get hurt but... Now I know the pain you feel isn't the worst part, it's the hate.

Lynette: We're supposed to be friends. Susan: Exactly, and friends don't put friends in this kind of position. I love you but you can't ask me to put your kids ahead of my husband. Lynette: You're right, I shouldn't have done that. But that tree house is the one place my kids can go and not hear about body scans and white blood cell counts. It is their getaway from this horrible thing that I have brought into the house. Susan: Brought? Sweetie, it's not your fault that your sick. Lynette: I know that here. (touches her head). But here... (touches her chest) it feels like I've ruined their childhood.

Lee: I just want to remind everyone that a vote for Katherine is a vote for fascism. Ida: What is it with you gay people and clothes? Lynette: Fascism, Ida, not fashion. Bob: (to Ida) Though if you ever do want to talk fashion, we're here for you.

Danielle: You're always mean to me, just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you're not going to emasculate me. Bree: You don't even know what that means, you petulant sock-puppet! Danielle: Who cares. I'm going to the store. Bree: Buy a dictionary!

(while discussing how to talk to Lee and Bob about their sculpture) Mrs. McCluskey: Bree, you talk to them, you can relate to them. Bree: Why would you say that? Mrs. McCluskey: You got a kid who came flying out of the closet and a husband who's been looking for the door knob... (looks at other women) What? You've met him.

Bree: (about Bob and Lee) Of all the gay men in the world, we have to get the two without taste!

John: What about the time we were doing it in the shower? (As Carlos is watching from the closet) John: Mr. Solis drove up. Gabrielle: Ah, that does not ring a bell. John: Come on...and I hid in the closet. He thought you looked so hot, Mr Solis pulled you down on the bed and you had to fake an orgasm just so he wouldn't catch on. Gabrielle: Yeah, good times!